maps and constellations | Stray Kids; Chan/Felix

Chapter 6

Another day passes, and another and another still until it's been over a week and Chan still hasn't said a word to Felix. It's not on purpose, not completely, he just gets lost in packing and in the millions of emails he gets about move-in and freshman orientation. Every day there's something new, and every day it gets a little harder to pick up the phone.

Despite his hopes, the time apart doesn't do much to calm Chan's feelings or help him make any more sense of it. He's still scared, still ashamed, still directionless. He doesn't know what he'll say when he and Felix finally talk—if they ever do. He owes Felix the truth, doesn't he? But once he says it, it's all over. And isn't it selfish to dump all of it into Felix's lap, the mess of his emotions and all the changes it will bring? It's Chan's fault, so he doesn't get to ask for help in carrying it. He has to do it alone.

And, god, Chan does deserve punishment, he thinks. Because even through all of this, he slips into fantasy, images of a life where this isn't difficult, where he can have what he wants because Felix wants it too. He imagines a future full of them, together always and in every way, days full of laughter, nights full of desires Chan is too embarrassed to name. He watches these daydreams out of the corner of his mind's eye only, trying to hold himself back from full immersion. Because he shouldn't enjoy them, because they'll never come true, because they're wrong , self-indulgent and almost predatory in their greed.

To be fair, it's not just Felix Chan hasn't spoken to, it's everyone. They're all busy the way Chan is, scrambling to pull their lives together in the precious few weeks before they head off to school, so they don't have time for each other. It's half a miracle when Chan and Minho manage to schedule a coffee together one Wednesday afternoon in the middle of all the insanity.

It's a relief, a break Chan didn't realize he needed until he steps into the coffee shop and sees Minho waiting at a table by the window. Suddenly, he feels exhausted, and a little hopeless. Will this be how things are from now on? Always rushing and with no time for anything that actually matters?

Chan shakes himself from his brooding, orders his drink, and joins Minho at the table. Minho raises his coffee cup to clink against Chan's with a sort of half-smile.

"How are you?" Chan asks before taking a sip of his drink.

"Good," Minho replies somewhat wearily. "Fucking busy."

"Yeah," Chan says, nodding. "I don't know if I'm gonna make it to orientation. My unread emails are going to bury me alive."

"God, tell me about it," Minho groans. "Is this adulthood? Every day I swear I get, like, fifty more. It's unholy."

Chan laughs, taking another drink of his coffee, then sets his mug down, crossing his arms and looking Minho over. "It's good to see you," he says. "Feels like it's been ages since I've seen anybody, really. It's like I've forgotten how to be a person."

"Really?" Minho doesn't actually sound too surprised; his tone is mild, but something lurks behind his expression and makes Chan tense up. "Not even Felix?"

"Ah," Chan says, "no, I think he's been busy."

"I saw him the other day." Minho's tone remains mild, but Chan feels stung anyway. "He seemed... sad. He didn't really say why. Do you... happen to know anything about that?"

Chan sighs. "It's... complicated."

Minho snorts. "Sure, and it's going to stay that way until you do something about it."

"I know." Chan doesn't mean to bite it out, but he sees Minho blink in surprise at the force in his tone. "Sorry," Chan mutters. "It's just... I don't know how to explain."