Never Ever

45| Everything is fine

*Recap: Noah went to the hospital and found out he had a heart condition that means he won't be able to swim competitively again.*

This week of finals has been my loneliest yet.

Between studying, packing, and Noah vanishing into some self-imposed study exile, I've barely seen anyone besides Addy, and even she's been too caught up with Jesse and finals to hang around much.

The only thing keeping me from completely going insane is the thought that once today's exam is behind us, so is the hard part. After that, it's just sunshine, sand, and a much-needed break from reality with Noah.

But I know it's not that simple. While he isn't exactly avoiding me—he still texts every day, and we're supposed to have dinner tonight—I can feel him pulling away, the same way I did when I found out my future wasn't going to look anything like I'd planned.

Every time I ask how he's doing or bring up his diagnosis, the response is always the same: I'm fine. My calls go unanswered, and we've resorted to carefully skirting around the one thing we should be talking about.

His heart problem.

Still, I don't take it personally. I know better than anyone that when the ground falls open, sometimes the only thing that feels safe is ducking for cover. The thought of never swimming competitively again must be tearing him apart, and like all terrible things, he needs time to process it alone. I'm sure when he's ready, he'll let me in again.

But God, do I miss him. More than anything, I just want to see him tonight and tell him that I'm here. I love him. And when he's ready, he can talk to me.

I'm not going anywhere.

As if on cue, I see a message flash across my phone, and to my relief, it's from Noah: Good luck on your final exam, Blue. See you tonight.

I can't stop the smile that tugs at my lips. See? Nothing to worry about. I slip my phone back into my pocket and head toward my final exam, pushing everything else aside for the next hour so I can concentrate. The test goes about as well as it can, considering the absolute chaos of the past few weeks, and when I walk out, I feel like I can finally exhale.

I spend the rest of the afternoon picking up a few last-minute essentials for Cabo, by which I mean lingerie that's more about strategic distraction than comfort. I toss a pair of toy handcuffs into my basket on impulse, knowing that if I can't help Noah fix his problems right now, I can at least help distract him.

After I check out, I make my way back to the dorm, walking in on Addy dressed to the nines in a tiny Santa dress, knee-deep in a mess of heels, swimsuits, and glittery tops as she attempts to stuff half her closet into her suitcase. I drop my shopping bag onto the bed and scan the disaster zone that is our room right now.

"I hope you're aware we're only going for a few days and not moving to Cabo permanently," I say, eyeing the five swimsuits.

Addy glances up from her chaos with a grin. "I know, but I plan to spend every day reminding Jesse how hot I am, so that when I finally tell him about Pax, he'll at least have some fond memories to cling to."

I laugh, sweeping a stack of her clothes off my bed and stretching out with a sigh. Thank God I packed last week. Otherwise, I'd never be able to find anything in this mess. "A foolproof plan if I ever heard one."

She suddenly looks up again, frowning. "I feel like I never see you. God, I've become that friend who ditches her bestie for a guy. And Jesse's not even my boyfriend. I'm the worst."

I smirk. "It's fine. I think I can survive a few days without you. In fact, I welcome it."

She smiles, but it fades almost immediately, her expression turning serious. Too serious. I sit up straighter, sensing something's coming. "I meant to check in with you yesterday after I found out about the Noah–captain thing," she says, folding a lacy bralette into her suitcase. "I can't imagine how hard that must've been for him when it's all he's ever wanted. How is he doing? I mean, I know he says fine, but how is he really doing?"