Missing You // Lando Norris

Ch.29

I sit in the car, the blistering sun bleeding through the window to my left, heating a portion of my neck and shoulder. It's pleasant, though after a little while I'm forced to shift, the heat becoming slightly unbearable as it pricks my skin.

I decide to weigh the risks, and benefits, of admitting that I have anything other than feelings of pure distaste for Lando Norris. I begin with the risks, figuring those to be far easier.

The first: He's an arrogant, cocky, self-absorbed prick. Lando Norris is known for being nothing short of reckless off track, his behaviour threatening to supersede his accolades. He's got the money and the looks to behave this way, granted, making him a volatile investment, if I may term it that way. He's rarely been nice to me, for the large part only after my overdose, and that's likely a product of pity. I must admit, there's nothing I hate more than pity, and if that's the only reason Lando is showing warmth towards me, then I mightn't get my hopes up. As a rational being, this should set off alarm bells, and it does, but a guilty element of my psyche must admit that I find it a little attractive.

The second: He's definitely incapable of commitment. With this point, I'm likely just projecting my own insecurities, which you are all too familiar with by now. Whilst I have recently been convinced that Lando is, surprisingly, capable of emotions other than scorn, there's no way of telling if he'd be committed were we to enter into a serious relationship. And the question beckons, why should he? He's young, successful, leading the season, and astronomically wealthy. Norris enjoys an eccentric lifestyle, partying in Monaco and spending thousands on alcohol and company every night. Not to mention he's incredibly good looking, though I guess beauty is subjective to the eye of the beholder. Regardless, I am sure that he could get with likely any woman in the world, so why would he waste his time on me? And, so ensues, if Lando were to cheat on me, it'd break my heart into a million tortured fragments.

The third: My brother, William. I can't even begin to fathom the betrayal Will would feel if he found out that I had caught real feelings for his best friend. My brother is well aware of Lando's reputation, having often warned me of it, and would undoubtedly feel our perfidy to the greatest extent. Lando and I, when real, were a Cardinal sin, a mistake that never should've happened, a joke that went too far. Our kiss, alone, was a sin, a dirty secret that should never see the light of day, the forbidden apple. Besides, following my recent stint in hospital, Will would definitely object to any notions of romance, furious at the likelihood of a broken heart pushing me over the edge once more.

The fourth: I've never been in a relationship before. It sounds childish, but it's truly something that wanes on my mind. My only experiences with 'relationships' in the past had been with my parents, brothers, and past friends, and let's face it, they probably stunted my emotional development more than they developed it.

My parents had ignored and emotionally abused me for the vast majority of the childhood which my memory enraptures, teaching me selfishness, isolation and hatred. My father had taunted me, pushing me to emotional breaking point in a desperate ploy to cover his own emotional discrepancies and shortcomings after Henry died. He shifted all of his grief and anger to me, and William, the two of us bearing his hatred like a birth mark, impossible to remove. My mother had never directly abused me, but she'd done nothing to stop it, turning a blind eye instead. I truly don't know how she can live with herself, knowing that she allowed the man she loved to take out his fury on two innocent children. For that, I will never forgive her, even if she was a fine mother otherwise.

My past friends had used me for gain, only to scorn and discard me, teaching me distrust and angst. I'd been nothing more than a well, of status, of popularity, of position, of wealth: and when the well dried up, they fled, seeking to quench their thirst elsewhere.