Imola, 22nd April
Dearest Diary,
Long time no see, I know, but here I am. Day 3 of sobriety. I'll be honest, when my therapist suggested starting this diary last year, I genuinely promised myself I'd stick to it, but I've been so caught up in everything lately that it completely left my mind. But here I am! I've been okay. I'm still relying on alcohol for confidence and to process larger emotions, but I've learnt my lesson a little recently, and I'm trying my best to limit it, though I know it won't last.
My lesson came in the form of an article, which put a lot of my 'dirty laundry' on blast and destroyed me a little if I'm honest. It's never nice seeing your failures rubbed in your face, especially on a public scale, and I got a fuck ton of hate from Lando's fans afterwards... calling me bad news, a gold digger, unstable... all sorts. And it was awful. I completely broke down, and my angel Will had to sit at my bedside for a whole day trying to cheer me up. Lando texted me to check on me, though I feel as though he felt obliged to do that, similarly to that instagram post in which he called me his 'lucky charm'. Bullshit if I've ever seen it, makes you realise how fake social media is in general: people doing nothing but posing, everything edited, each word written to manipulate the viewer into thinking or doing something. It only made things worse: I spiralled in thoughts of how I wished someone truly felt that way about me, and then about how I'd never deserve such love, because I don't.
I know I'm not doing well, but I'll try anything if it means I don't turn back to drugs and have to go to Arizona again. That place was hell: so far from everyone, constantly being watched, monitored like some animal. I barely survived it the first time, and it would kill me to go back. So, I'm trying. My sobriety won't last and I know that because I need alcohol for confidence, especially in the Formula 1 world, but I've been off drugs ever since I left Arizona. I don't even take paracetamol, for fear that it'll push me over the edge.
If I'm honest, it just feels like everything I do goes wrong, regardless of my intentions, and it exhausts me. And then I take it out on Will, Lando...
I'm rambling now. I'll see you soon.
Love, AV Xx
I slam the diary shut, staring at it in silence as the pilot announces that we've landed in Imola and are allowed to disembark from the plane. Will and I had spent a week back home, in London, between Australia and Italy, recuperating and grounding ourselves. I barely left the house all week, so the plane provided a refreshing environment. It felt like the right time to write in my little red diary, my favourite form of reflection and thought. It was useful seeing all of my emotions on paper, being honest to no one but myself.
I put my headphones in, deciding to watch some YouTube as we travel to the hotel. An interview with Lando pops up in my recommendations, temptation overpowering me as I click it. We haven't spoken in over a week.
It's a quick fire question and answer, and the first bit is dull as the video is from last year and it's nothing I haven't heard before. But then, a question secures my interest, captivating me:
Many of the drivers on the grid are in long term relationships, but you've never even been linked to anyone. What's your honest opinion on love and relationships?
A bit rude and personal if you ask me, but Lando looks unphased.
L: I don't believe in love, I think it's for people who are desperate for attention and want an easy way of gaining it. Relationships take up time and energy, both of which I don't have if I want to succeed in Formula 1.
I think you've broken a few hearts there. Maybe you just haven't met the one yet?
L: Maybe. My own company suits me for now, and I can only apologise for any hearts I break, though I do seem to have a tendency to do that...
Do you enjoy your 'play boy', bachelor portrayal?
L: I wouldn't go as far as to say I enjoy it, but I don't mind it. I love women, just not relationships. Can we move onto formula 1 questions or will you continue to waste my time?
The ride to the hotel ends up being relatively quick, Will and I spending the entire journey in silence. He spent the last week cheering me up, and I think he needs his space now, which I completely understand.
"Thanks for last week, Will. Best behaviour from me from now on." I grin at him, and he smiles warmly, acknowledging my words. We walk up to the lobby, and find Lando standing there, an annoyed look on his face. He exchanges a short hug with my brother, sending me a curt nod.
"Why'd you look like someone pissed in your plant pot?" Will laughs at Lando, trying to lighten his mood.
"You're about to find out." Lando's response is brief, as he averts his eyes to the terrified receptionist sat behind the desk, who promptly clears her throat.
"Good evening, Mr Villeroy. It's our pleasure to welcome you at the Imola International Hotel. It would appear that our system has messed up with the room bookings, I'm very sorry." The receptionist looks absolutely horrified.
"Sorry, what??" Will's puzzled response reads my mind.
"Madam Villeroy has been placed in a room with Monsieur Norris." The receptionist swallows. Fuck. My eyes shift between Will and Lando.
"Re-book and put her in another room." Will shrugs, seemingly unphased.
"Er, that is the problem. We're fully booked for the race week. We were hoping it would be okay as Monsieur and Madame are in a relationship and-" Te poor receptionist stutters her words, and I wonder if Lando had been giving her grief before we came. I choose to interject.
"It's no problem, we can share." The words escape my mouth before I can even process them.
"We can?" Lando's face reads a mixture of confusion and shock. I nod, and the receptionist quickly hands me the key card, glad that the situation has been resolved.
The three of us move away from the desk, not wishing to cause a scene.
"I'm not happy with this." Will breaks the silence.
"Oh grow up Will, we're all adults. What's the worst that can happen, it's not like we're going to fuck or something." I laugh, trying to appear nonchalant. This is all part of my new 'unproblematic' leaf. Lando stays silent, his brows furrowed.
"You can go with me, or I can go with Lando. This whole thing is outrageous." Will doesn't look happy, his face muscles contorting and stressed as he speaks.
"Will, In the nicest way, I know Sophia will be here this week and I'm not getting in the way. Besides, it'd look weird if we're dating but refuse to stay together. We'll survive, won't we Lando?" I look at Lando for reassurance, his face still sour.
"Yeah. I don't mind." He grumbles, moving to the lift. Pleased with my new found resolve, I plaster a smile on my face, turning to Will.
"We'll be okay, I'll text you if I need anything at all." I kiss Will on the cheek, following Lando to the lift.
A/N
A shorter chapter, but juicy nonetheless.
Predictions?
Like + comment if u enjoyed my lovelies. Please treat this comment section as a Q+A, ask me anything about the book!
Love Xx
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