Words of Silence | Poetry / Rants

Letter to him

I used to be someone. I used to be this happy little girl that would always laugh and make jokes. I was always smiling and happy. But she's gone. Don't bother trying to look for her because I will do whatever it takes to make sure she stays buried. I will burn her with all her memories. My memories. That joy doesn't exist in me anymore. They're killing me. Everyone is killing me slowly, but it's my fault. I wanted to help them. I wanted to be there for them all so they wouldn't become me. But they abandoned and used me and the others are just selfish. I can't believe I was stupid enough I keep trying. God, I'm such a fucking dumbass. As parents, they diffused every flame of hope and happiness had. They sucked the joy right out of the things I loved. Art. Books. Video games. Marvel. Anime. They took everything from me and they're going to do it again. And I can't stop them. There is nothing I can do. I will move away and lose my life again. I am not strong enough to handle that. Never was, never will be. Those moments we have, I will cherish them with everything I am. Because that little space we have, that little time we have together is so important to me. You are so important to me. But yet again, there is nothing I can do about it. I will die. One way or another. Sometimes I hope he loses control and kills me. He throws threats at me, but I wish he would just kill me. Then I wouldn't have to do it. Sometimes I wish you would kill me. Oh god here I go again. Talking shit about dying. You're probably tired of this bullshit. I don't blame you. I wish I wasn't like this, however I can't change that. I will never be enough to anyone. Not my parents. Or my sisters. Or my friends. Or myself. Or even you. I'm like a sickness. Yes, exactly. Like The Program. I go around infecting the people near me. One way or another, someone gets hurt. I wish it could always be me. If I could I'd take all of your pain, I'd take it and bury it in myself, because you are only human and you don't deserve that. I'm going in circles. Or I'd rather say spirals. Continuously going down until I reach the end. I'm close. I feel it. I see it. I can just taste it. I know you said you wouldn't forgive me if I died. But that's okay. I'm over forgiveness. When I'm gone, destroy everything related to me. Erase my existence. My memories. My past. My future. My secrets. Because who even gives a fuck?

I'll be laughing at them all from hell anyway.

https://open.spotify.com/album/6KSLhFX1SGxWhI9q2vD6Bg?si=scTjIgsISXyGtnD5gJe_EA

- Just a letter to him. 

I have to let him go.