Words of Silence | Poetry / Rants

To my step-father

What a fucking hypocrite.

You blame me. After all this time. But it was never me. In fact, it was you. You are what did this. And it wasn't just to me. To them too. You say it's a cycle and you're right. But they got out of it. They held on through it and moved out to become strong women, but not me. Haha you're fucking stuck with me. I've seen what you've done. The abuse. What make you think you are valid enough to do what you've done? What makes you think it's right to threaten your children. Well fuck you. You aren't, never was, and never will be my father. I won't stand with the abuse to the younger ones anymore. I'm over your fucking shit. If I can keep them safe from becoming like me by taking the hits for them I will. Because if you thought dealing with the older two was hard, you're in for a fucking surprise. I've watched from the sidelines as you emotionally hurt them and I've dealt with my fair share of it too. I've actually had it worst. You don't see it. But you blame it on us. You think your opinion is so much better than ours, that we don't even have to right to speak about it and if we do you shut us down. You put the blame of the cycle on us older three but we siblings know the truth. We three know that you are what breaks us. And you want me to come to you for help? Fuck that. Fuck you! _____ had it first. It was bad. She felt the need to cut herself just to get the attention she deserved but you never gave. _____ had it harder. It got so bad she tried to fucking overdose. I saw how you tormented her. The pain you caused. I came next. I have it worse. Even while you fucked over the first, you tortured the second and me. And after she moved out, you moved on to the second and me. And then she moved out, and it looks like I'm the one you're focusing on, but I won't let you break me anymore. I have nothing left in me for you to destroy. I cut and bled out everything that was in me. You are what shoved me down into the bottomless pit of sadness. And now it's hard for ____ (my dear love) to piece me back. But you don't care. You are doing exactly what you did to me to the younger ones, _____ and _______. I won't let you. They may never understand. They may be selfish and I may hate them but Id hate myself more that I already do if I let you turn them into me. I'd hate to see them staying up late worrying about grades. Watching the sleepless nights go by as they cut themselves wishing for death to sweep them away. I cannot let that happen. So take it out on me. Haven't you always?

I hate you. I've always hated you and deep down I knew it.

I had this dream once. You killed me. Shoved me off the cliff and I sunk down in the sea. Peacefully. Thankful for my ending but I never realized it was you who caused my end. Now I know. Now I'm ready. So go ahead and kill me. Grab me by my throat again. I'm not afraid anymore. It's what I want.

To my step-father