Love Game

Chapter Thirty-Four: Fast Forward

*Six months later*

"And how does that make you feel?" my therapist asks me as I lay down on the velvet red couch, staring up at the ceiling.

"Makes me feel like shit," I admit, tapping my fingers together as a nervous habit. "I messed everything up."

"Do you still have feelings for him?" she asks, scribbling notes onto her note pad.

"Of course I do, he was my first love," I reply, taking a deep breath and closing my eyes.

It had been six months since I last spoke with Gabriel Landeskog. Not a text, no phone call, not even an Instagram picture like. No contact, and honestly it was for the best.

I was adjusting to life in Ottawa. It felt great being closer to home again, my parents were just a few hours away. I was closer to Dougie and played against him often. My relationship with my other brother Freddy grew as we all went back home for the summer. I even let both my brothers touch the Stanley Cup when it was my day with the trophy.

The day was bittersweet. It was a day I was dreaming of ever since I was little, but there was one person missing, who I desperately wanted to be there. It was an emotional roller coaster, not having Gabe by my side this summer, but I knew I had to work on myself. I was messed up, and I took it out on him, on Varly, on Karson. I kept playing games with their emotions and acted as if I was the victim. That's why when I moved to Ottawa, I decided to get help.

"What are you planning on doing when you cross paths with him? The Avalanche are coming to town soon. Anything you want to say to him?" my therapist asks, raising her eyebrow at me as I turn my head to meet her gaze.

"Well, I definitely need to apologize," I mutter, pushing myself upright on the couch in a sitting position. "Although I know he will not accept it."

"Don't worry about how he may react," she assures me, "What matters is you are making amends with him, on your terms, and it will lift this huge weight off your shoulders."

"I just want to feel better," I sigh in defeat.

"And how is the Zoloft working for you?"

Oh, yeah, I also was put on antidepressants. I should have been on those a while ago.

"Well, I'm no longer sick to my stomach. I can eat more than a Reese's peanut butter cup now," I chuckle and she laughs softly.

"So it seems to be working? No more suicidal thoughts?" She asks, raising her eyebrow again.

Oh, yeah, I also spiraled into a horrible depression. Dougie and Freddy caught me before I could do anything. I'll leave it at that.

"No more," I say with confidence.

I was finally starting to love myself.

"And how is your relationship with the goaltender? Varly?"

Varly and I remained close after our trades, and I had made amends with him a week prior to my therapy appointment today. He apologized also, which obviously made me feel so much better. We have kept our relationship as just a friendship, especially now that we are both in different cities. If only we could have made that work last season.

"It's great, we made amends," I reply.

She continues to write her notes on her piece of paper.

"You've made great progress, Mallory. Same time next week?"

"Yes ma'am, thank you."

I stand up and head out of her office. I pull my phone out of my pocket and I see a text from Varly.

From Varly: "Been thinking about you today. How was therapy?"

From me: "It was fine... we talked about Gabe."

From Varly: "Oh? How did that go?"

From me: "I'm apologizing next week."

From Varly: "Good luck. He still won't talk to me, but I really don't blame him. Sorry, that probably wasn't helpful. FaceTime me when you get home, I miss my best friend."

I send him a thumbs up and a heart before I get into my car.

I pull out of the parking lot and drive to the closest Tim Horton's for a frozen coffee. As I drove with the radio barely loud enough to hear, I was thinking over what I wanted to say to Gabe. I know he probably wouldn't listen or give me the time of day, and I understand why. I was horrible to him and broke his heart and his trust.

Thirty minutes have passed and I finally was free from Ottawa traffic and made it to my apartment, which I rented by myself. Matt Duchene stayed with me for a couple weeks until him and his wife Ashley found a place for themselves. I miss having him here to talk to, but it gives me free time to think about how I want to change my life for the better.

I throw my car keys on the counter and walk to the kitchen, opening the fridge to get a bottle of water. I pop the cap and take a swig before I pull my phone out of my pocket. I decide to text Varly to tell him I'm home and I'll call him in a moment. I walk to my room where I have a desk in the corner with my Apple laptop. I open it up and call Varly on FaceTime.

"Hey, there's my beautiful bestie!" I hear the cherry Russian accent blare through my laptop speakers.

"Hey Snookums," I giggle and he narrows his eyes at me. He hated it when I called him that.

"How's Ottawa today?" he tilts his head to the side, pouting his lips. "Long Island is kind of boring."

"Ottawa is just as boring," I laugh. "But you're sort of close to the city, right? NYC has to be entertaining?"

"It smells like garbage and the rats are the size of garbage trucks," he groans and I snicker at his expense. "Plus my best friend isn't here."

"I know, I'm still trying to get used to it here, too." I reply, stretching my arms out and hearing my shoulder pop.

"At least you have Matt, I have no one," he pouts, sticking his lower lip out. "At least I get to see you again soon."

"Just a couple more weeks. I'm not looking forward to Colorado coming into town," I respond, groaning at the thought.

"You have to face it though," he replies, shrugging his shoulders. "Old Mallory would run, new Mallory confronts and takes responsibility."

"You know, sometimes I miss the old Mallory. It was easier to run!" I joke, hearing him laugh in return.

"Old Mallory was an animal," he laughs, "but you've grown so much in these last few months. I'm proud of you. And no, I'm not hitting on you!"

I laugh and brush my hair behind my ear.

"Have I told you I love your new hair?" He asks me.

I went back to my natural color, strawberry blonde. Auburn just was not working out for me. When I got traded and started changing, I decided to change everything.

"Yes, yes you have," I respond. "But technically it's my old hair."

"Okay, stop being a wise ass," he jokes. "I gotta get going, team bus is about to leave for the airport. I'll call you later?"

"Be safe, love you," I smile at him.

"Love you too," he waves and disconnects.

We were able to say those words to each other now, and mean it, but not in the way you think. In the friendship way. When I was struggling with my mental health, Varly pushed aside his feelings for me and stood by me so I could heal. I honestly feel he is over me now, although he hasn't mentioned anything. I truly hope he finds someone someday perfect for him.

As for me, I'm still missing Gabe like crazy, but I hurt him. I don't deserve him. We will most likely never end up together and I need to accept that. Part of me wants to believe we will work things out, but now we are in completely different cities, thousands of miles away from each other. It would never work out if we even tried.

All I can do is apologize...