Long road to go

Another day another journey

I wake up by someone yelling upstairs. With a pounding head, I straighten up in bed, disoriented from where I am. Then the previous day comes into my mind, as does that cute girl, Stephanie.

Later, I step down the stairs toward the kitchen to make my lunch and put it in my bag for school. I take the toast that jumps out of the toaster and take it in my hand, some burning, even though I ignored the pain. "Are you still here," says my father as he lowers his newspaper and looks straight at me. Without a word coming out of my mouth, I step out of the house. This is the only way to avoid an argument with my father. It is if he provokes it. Something I never noticed before.

I leave my parent's house, where I see my old car in front of the garage. The gray Sedan is waiting for me, ready to serve me again to go to school. What a time I had in that car. Then anxiety strikes, memories slip back and this may be a good memory, but what if the bad memories start invading me?

I get into the car and look at the broken lock, which normally needs a key, although the lock hasn't worked in years. Not that I broke it myself. It was already there when I bought it with my first earned money. It's not that my father is poor. He can easily buy me a car, only he refuses to spend a penny on my luxuries. Which of course you can call a luxury, transporting yourself to school.

I pass my hand over the steering wheel as I use the screwdriver to start the car. It may be a wreck, even though I am still proud of myself for being able to buy this thing all by myself. It was a stupid job around here, but it paid off until I no longer had to take a bike to school.

This perseverance I had even then was what helped me get my own business out of the ground into what it is today, or what it was. Goddammit, why did all this happen, and why can't I just go back to my home? Or to my baby, which is my business for me.

Memories slip in more and more as I drive the car down the road and try to keep my head in it. All the memories I experience now are still good ones then. What if that turns around and my memories of my bad time come back? All I know is that I have to figure out why I'm here and how to go back.

In my car, I drive to school, where I drive to a parking lot not far from campus. As I get out of my vehicle, I almost hit a girl with my door. She was riding an old bicycle and was wearing big glasses under her helmet. She looks more familiar than I remember the girl from last night. I follow her on foot to where she parked her bike, but before I can say anything to her, I feel a slap on my back that makes me turn around. When I turn around, I am looking straight at a younger version of Lucas. Distracted by the girl, I walk in with Lucas, where we meet David at the lockers. "Hello man, how are you?" Asks David, who is just closing his locker. I addressed him as if we were friends forever. He looks weird for a moment, just as weird as Lucas did. Suddenly they both laugh, thinking I'm joking with them.

"Where were you last night?" David asks me before we can go to class. I was standing in front of the classroom door thinking about what I would tell them. "You didn't go on that stupid date with that nerd, did you?" A fake smile is plastered on my face. When they keep cornering me with their questions. The words just slip out without thinking, "No, of course not." A spontaneous smile covered my face after, even though I feel anything but happy. Which immediately makes me feel bad for her. When I turn my gaze to the girl with the beautiful brown eyes that remind me of Bambi. Her gaze goes to the other side of the class, not wanting to catch my stare in hers. Did she hear us? Would she be angry?

My thoughts dominate my mind until the teacher's gaze catches mine and asks me a question about the subject. A question I happened to remember from my time in school. I immediately say the answer that comes to mind. All eyes of the other students were immediately on me. Shit, I just remembered in school pretending I wasn't smart. It was purely out of fear that they would call me a nerd. Deep down, I am a nerd. I live with the thoughts and pressure that I have to be the coolest kid in school. Something I don't really care about now. I have my life on track. Until suddenly something hits me; what if I have to act like I used to in order not to change my future?

After class, I wait to go home and go to where Stephanie parked her bike this morning. She catches my gaze and wants to get on her bike, with her helmet barely unclipped under her chin. Is she so afraid of seeing me, of this confrontation? Before she has a chance to run away, I grab her shoulder, causing her to turn her gaze to me. I look around and see that the school is all but empty when she gets off her bike and comes to stand in front of me.

"Go away, Hunter," she says desperately with her eyes large and wet with tears that I hadn't noticed at first. Though this time I decided to confront and not leave. Another thing that comes to mind but can't bring it home. My hands suddenly embrace her in a warm, strong hug. Am I now hugging the girl I just hurt? What boy of seventeen, now hugs a girl? What man now hugs so intimately with any woman? I have never been the type for a relationship or anything intimate like this, and this feels a little too oppressive to me for a moment. What is happening to me anyway? I let my hands slip away from her, afraid to find myself in these feelings anymore. Feelings I don't want to feel, hate even. "What is it?" I ask her with my eyes locked on hers. Even though I know well enough why she's sad.

"I heard you, Hunter," she says as she tries to run from me again. By taking that awful bike of hers. A bike that had clearly seen its best days. "I don't want them to know." With my head down, I mumble the words with a feeling inside like I'm the biggest dick there could be.

Deep inside, I don't want her to be angry with me or run away from me. No, I want to learn more about her and be around her more. Just not at school with those vultures around me or in an intimate relationship. Relationships, which I don't do. Relationships break up families, just like the family I come from. It's horrible, love turns into hate and hate turns into violence.

"Are you ashamed of me?" She asks with those pleading Bambi eyes that have haunted me all last night. "No, of course not. They're just fools, and I don't need their opinion." I defend myself, even though I don't know if I can continue to do so behind their backs. With the lies slipping out of my mouth, I feel like the biggest dick in the world, why do I keep stringing her along. I know from myself that this is never going to amount to anything. She is sweet and innocent, and I am a shadow of the boy I once was. Broken material, as they say, material too damaged to change.

Then again this status I finally achieved in school, I really want to give it up. Adult Hunter doesn't care, but young Hunter lurks in me and doesn't want to give all this up. It feels like every hour, the adult begins to fade more into the teenager I was.

When our conversation falls silent, she gets on her bike with another single glance toward me. Before I see her disappear off campus. Deep inside, I know I'm making big mistakes. Did I fuck it all up by not telling her more, by brushing her off like this? Or does she want to fight for me? No one is fighting for me. No one wants to be with poor Hunter, not really anyway. I can only count on my two friends, and I have to keep them, even if that means forgetting about the girl who just left on that bike.

In my car, I drop my head on the steering wheel. What has become of me? Is this the asshole I was at school? Is this why I forgot the girl, because of the status I imposed on myself? Then the younger self comes back into me and I leave campus with a smile on my face. A smile that doesn't realize how fucked up his life really is.