Long road to go

Marriage

Hunter

When the day came for Lucas to marry Stephanie, I didn't want to go. I wanted to be the man who would stand next to her at the altar. So at this point I could finally give in to my feelings for her. 

When we went to that bakery in town. I finally felt what I was missing, I missed her. When she told me what I had done to her, I could feel myself beating my head. That I was such a jerk. The music starts, and I catch a glimpse of Stephanie. She looks so beautiful in her mermaid wedding dress. She looks like she came out of a fairy tale. As she stood there in front of Lucas. Especially their smiles toward each other made me petrify with amazement. They really love each other. The thought of losing her made me feel like a stone was being smashed into my heart, but I acted normal even though I could have collapsed. So I stood up like the rest as they walked down the corridor of the church, toward the limo.

Everyone, meanwhile, quietly left the church, though I remained standing. I kept looking at the place where they had just said their vows. Words I never wanted to hear in my life, not from Lucas and Stephanie anyway. A little later, I follow the rest to the after party at a large hotel.

Inside the hotel it looks even bigger and more spectacular than outside, clearly no expense spared. Inside, I walk by people we know from our college life. Although I am almost stopped by everyone to have a chat about business and their lives, which doesn't interest me at all. As if they think I have no life outside my business. The business is a part of my life, not who I am.

"Look how happy they are," David says mockingly next to me. He would never settle down, as we thought Lucas never would either.

"Yes they are," I reply, but not honest, more like the right answer to say. Then comes the first dance and everyone gets quiet. They take their places on the dance floor made for this wedding and start dancing to "I Will Always Love You" by Whitney Houston. What a joke even. Lucas, who will love one woman for the rest of his life choosing this cliché song almost makes me want to puke. When the song was over, and they kissed my whole heart almost crumbled, maybe they really do love each other.

The parents of the bride and groom take over, and I wait until their dancing is over, so I can try to snare her for a dance. I know I can't have her to myself, but I just want to feel her in my arms before it's too late. This is the only thing I want to grant myself before I disappear from their lives altogether.

Okay, maybe I'll still be in Luke's life. And maybe we will see each other at annual parties, but I will ignore her like she wants me to. In my heart, I know this is going to be the hardest thing for me to do.

"May I have this dance? I ask her as her smile suddenly fades. "I don't want to," but before she can tell me to fuck off the music starts again. Whereupon we are pushed onto the dance floor by the other dancing people. "What are you doing here?" She says as she hisses in my ear. I smile at her, knowing she will be happy that this is the last she sees of me before I leave their lives. "I wanted to hold you for the last time. After that I will let you go." She laughs loudly, just loud enough for me to hear. "You're leaving again. You can't handle the truth just like in our last year. You're a coward." Stunned by her words.

Words that slipped from her beautiful lips. I understand now that she has been drinking for an hour and must be feeling light-headed. That it is well possible that she is really saying this from her heart, for the first time after I see her again in years. I am indeed a coward.

I am the one who left and wriggled back into her life. What difference would it make to her if I stay here and be miserable. Maybe that's the lesson she wants to teach me. And so I stayed the rest of the evening. Not for me, but for her.

It's 2:00 after midnight when Stephanie and Lucas ends the party. I go over to Lucas and give him a hand before leaving. Stephanie nods at me in approval before they left in their cab, back to their life together. My hand goes up, and I wait for another cab to stop in front of me. A taxi stops next to me which gives me a strange feeling, a familiar feeling. I get in and tell the driver my address. Then the man turns around, making me immediately understand the uneasy feeling. "Fuck, not again," I say out loud. "Hello, son I'll take you home today no worries." I sit and wait, hoping he really will take me home this time. So that I don't have to take another one of those tests. For which I obviously failed hard.

A little later we stop at my nice family home in the slums of New York, where I step right in, relieved. Inside the hallway, I step right up the stairs with my four-legged friend following me straight to my bedroom. In my bedroom, I look out the window at the cold night sky. Of the white winter that is coming.

Why they chose winter to get married I don't know, but it was a beautiful celebration. "A world of white," that's what she called it. Just like Stephanie who was dressed to the theme, it was also cold outside. Which totally fit the theme.

I take off my white tuxedo. Which I was wearing for the theme, like every other guest. Completely undressed, I quickly step into the shower to get the cold winter out of my body before I go to bed. Before I go to sleep I check my phone one last time, on which I see a message notification. I open the message, in shock I look to see that it is a message from Stephanie: "Thank you," it said. Nothing more, nothing less. Even though these words were the thing I needed from her, a fresh start, a fresh friendship. I hoped so, as I lay my body on my bed and nestled under the covers. 

In bed, I let my gaze still fall on the clock beside my bed, 3 a.m. That's when my overtired body took over from me. My eyes then fall into their much-needed rest, as does my body. Waiting for the next day, that will come, or has already begun.