𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘵𝘴

𝙞 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙞 𝙨𝙖𝙞𝙙 (𝙥𝙖𝙧𝙩 𝙤𝙣𝙚)

written by evilgaygothgf on tumblr!!

"I'm not looking for anything right now."

The words repeated in your mind day and night, gripping and tugging at your heart. You've wanted to admit your feeling to Alex for the past few months after coming to terms that they wouldn't just go away on their own. You've know him for over a year now, and the feelings only keep growing stronger. "The worst he can say is no," is what your friends kept telling you, but he's already said the worst thing in your opinion.

"I'm not looking for anything right now."

You thought you'd bring up the topic of dating in general to him and try to gauge his feelings before admitting your own first. Kind of just beat around the bush. You thought maybe he'd just come out and admit he had a crush on you and then you could easily slip in how you felt about him too. Or maybe he'd pull the old "well my friend has a crush on their close friend they've known for a while but he just doesn't know how to confess without ruining their friendship" and you could respond with "well he'll never know unless he confesses, right?" and then he'd confess his feelings and turn out to be the "friend" who wanted to confess the whole time. Just like in movies and fanfics, right? Right? Wrong.

When you brought up the topic he went into a full rundown of how he just doesn't see himself dating anyone anytime soon because he's just so busy with his career right now and blah blah blah. As soon as he started talking you had just tuned it all out. His voice was drowned out by the voice in your head telling you to pull it together and choke down the icky feeling in your chest. The unrequited feeling. The only part of his entire response you heard loud and clear was the part you keep hearing play over and over in your head.

"I'm not looking for anything right now."

Well shit. What do you do now? Respond with a chuckle and a "haha yeah me either"? Cut him off and tell him that he's wrong and that you're what he should be looking for? Admit your feeling regardless? Your thoughts were cut off by him asking you the question right back. "Sorry I feel like I really went on for a while. I didn't mean to unload all that on you. Anyway, what's your opinion on dating stuff?"

He asked the question so simply like he had no idea why you had asked him in the first place. "Umm," you started, "well I mean yeah I guess I can see where you're coming from. I guess I'd feel the same way if I was in your shoes. I don't know. I guess for me dating is just like something I'm ready for now in my life. Im kind of tired of being single honestly, but hey, you know at least I've got you around, right?"

Alex grinned at the end of your last sentence. "Yeah, of course! I'll always be here as your best friend so you don't have to feel like a loner," he chuckled. "But hey, you know if you're trying to look for someone I'll be the best wingman to ever walk this earth. And if anyone starts giving you shit or mistreating you, send em to me." He turned from you and started throwing punches at the air and you couldn't help but throw your head back in laughter. Alex was such an amazing friend to you and you started to wonder if wanting him as more than a friend was too much to ask in the first place. You were already lucky enough to have him care for you on a friendship level. The words still plagued your mind regardless.

"I'm not looking for anything right now."

It's been over a month since that happened and you continued to hang out with Alex like normal. You tried so hard to push your feelings for him down and appreciate the friend you had in him. The two of you had been hanging out all day and at the end of the night, he offered to drive you back home. The car ride to your place was more quiet than usual; void of loud music and laughter. It had been a long and eventful day and you were both exhausted from all you had done that day.

Alex pulled the car up to the front of your place and you reached to the floorboard of the car to grab your things and tell him goodnight before getting out. Before you could unbuckle your seatbelt, Alex's voice broke the silence.

"Hey. I just...can I tell you something?"

"Uh yeah sure," you responded as you placed your hands back in your lap and turned your body to better face him in the car.

He looked down from your face to his cup from the fast food restaurant you both ate at earlier as he played with the straw. "I lied. I lied to you and I'm sorry."

You were too confused to respond as your mind raked through all of the things he could've possibly lied to you about.

He started up again, "I know I..well when we talked before...fuck like I didn't mean to really say-"

"Alex spit it out. You're making me nervous," you said in a half speaking and half laughing voice trying to cover up the waver in your voice. Your fingers were already toying with each other as you tried to ease your nerves for whatever was to come.

"y/n I know this is gonna be awkward and I'm so sorry but I should've said it then and I've been making myself sick trying to think of a time to tell you this." He brushed the pieces of hair back that were falling over his eyes as he finally looked back up to you. "I know I told you before that I wasn't really looking for anything but the truth is that I've actually been falling for you. So hard. And before you interrupt and ask me why I said what I did, shit, I don't know. I just..I just freaked out because I wasn't expecting you to just ask me that out of nowhere."

"Alex, Im sorry I didn't mean to-"

"No please don't apologize I should've just owned up to it and told you then because I really and I mean really wish I had. It's been gnawing at me so bad that I didn't take the opportunity to tell you. You honestly make me kinda nervous ever since I realized I wanted something more than friends with you." His eyes dropped from yours again and went back to playing with the plastic straw.

"I make you nervous?" You could help but grin as you said it. You couldn't believe he actually admitted to being nervous around you.

"Yeah yeah yeah go ahead and make fun of me, whatever, I knew I should've left that part out," he scoffed as he rolled his eyes and sat back into his seat.

"No I'm glad you told me. I think it's cute."

"Oh so you think I'm cute?" He sat up straighter in his chair and smirked. "So you like me?"

You rolled your eyes at his sudden comeback in confidence after all the nervous toying with his straw he was just doing moments ago. He always ate up any little compliment you'd given him and you hated to admit you loved it.

"Yeah honestly I've had feelings for you for a while, and if you must know, I was actually trying to confess to you back when I asked your opinions on dating but wouldn't you know, someone cough cough shut me down before I could. Mr. I'm not looking for anything right now." You said the last part with finger quotes as you playfully rubbed what he said into his face.

He reached up and lightly smacked your finger quotes out of the air while trying to make an obviously forced angry face. "You should've just said it anyway. We could've been going on a date today and not just hanging out as friends. And then I could've kissed you goodnight when I dropped you off," he wiggled his eyebrows as he said the last sentence.

Your face already started heating up. You knew exactly how a lot of your days spent together could've gone if you two had already been dating by this point. You practically thought about it every time you hung out together and every time you laid your head down on your pillow at night.

This time, you were the one to break the silence. "I mean, we still could," you said quietly in the darkness of his car. "Only if you want to I mean I know we both just now told each other how we feel but I'm okay with-"

Your rambling was cut off with his lips shutting you up. It was just a peck, but as he pulled his head away you instinctively reached up to pull him back in. It was just a series of small closed-mouth kisses, but it was more than you could've imagined receiving from him just 15 minutes ago.

You pulled away from the kiss but kept your face close to his as your eyes scanned his. "I can't believe you lied to me," you whispered through a smile in the darkness.

"I'll make it up to you, baby, don't worry," he whispered back as he closed the distance between the two of you again.