His reason?

The darkness

-Feels like we had matching wounds-
But mine's still black and bruised
-And yours is perfectly fine-
The Exit - Conan Gray

The darkness of my room was inviting.

Despite what some might say it's warm, like I could lay there forever and never once think about leaving.

After everything that happens in my head, it is quiet. Silence has always been kind to me, treating me like an old friend.

After my parents went missing I spent most of my days in silence, not wanting to make noise in a world I didn't feel seen in.

What's the good of making noise if no one sees you.

I never felt the need to open myself to anyone after them, because I was thirteen and in so much pain. My head has never been quiet since.

But then rose happened, she made me feel seen, like i wasn't just a burden on her plate, but i actually mattered in her world.

She taught me to open myself up again, when not even my brother tried.

My own flesh and blood thought I was a lost cause. He just up and moved on when they left, like it never meant anything.

There was anger within him after though it was different, he wasn't angry they'd gone missing but he was angry because i wouldn't let it go.

At the age of thirteen I went into a black hole of sadness and my brother saw me as a source of anger.

Rose said it was because I looked like a spitting image of my mother and he hated that.

I guess he and I had grown apart at that time, but we had grown older and settled into our emotions.

We set them aside and grew a bond, but not emotionally only the way siblings would.

Not twins.

He was supposed to be my other half.

My forever friend.

But in the end all I knew was my brother who was so far yet so close.

Like we had the matching battle scars, but he left only a dark mark and I was left with a deep angry scar anyone could see but no one dared bring to the surface.

But right now it feels as though my wound was slowly opening, the more my heart opens the worse pain I'm in. The more it bleeds all over the facade I'd built for years.

I tried to remember moments from when I finally started to open up again, one in particular is the day Sarah and I got matching bikes, we'd gotten them as a gift for getting good grades. Of course Sarah always had good grades but I'd just started caring about school again and had to really work on my grades.

Rose made it a reward system of sorts.

We did everything together after Rose had opened me up to the idea of having friends to take my mind off everything. It really helped me. Having someone to just have fun with made grieving easier.

The bikes were the highlight of our year, we rode them everywhere.

One night specifically i was riding through the neighborhood with sarah and rafe and his stupid squad of thirteen year old boys came chasing after us on their skateboards. They Chased us all the way to the lake of our neighborhood and I had gotten crazy tired by that point and could barely keep control of my bike when one of the boys had catched up to me and kicked the wheel of the bike from underneath me.

My knees were bleeding profusely, and my arms were pretty scraped up.

Sarah was so upset and crying, at the time being only ten years old.