Dragoned in Half

Shattered-Julia

  My eyes open slowly as the chattering of my own teeth wakes me. I clench them together to stop the action as I try to breath. I close my eyes at the pain that my chest moving brings me. I breath through my nose and out through my mouth several times as I try to get the tension to leave me. I groan in frustration when it doesn't work.
 
  "Julia" I hear as someone calls my name. I open my eyes slowly as I go to look at the face. I don't even want to open them. I was finding the black void behind my lids to be really appealing as I just focused on my breathing. When I open them slow the first thing that I see is a bunch of yellow. I frown at the brightness of the color and close my eyes once more.
 
  "Come on baby. You need to show me those pretty eyes so that I know you are okay" I hear once more. They way that the voice says it has me wanting to open my eyes. I know that I know that smooth baritone. The voice is like the sun rising on a cold winter day. It being the only source of heat as it melts the ice crystals around the world. My teeth chatter reminding me once more that I am freezing. A warm feeling moves over my lips and I find myself pressing into that warmth.
 
  "Hmmm" I say when he helps the chatter. Blinking my eyes open once more I try to focus. It takes me a few seconds to see that the curtain of yellow that flows over my face is hair. When I see the hair attached to a face I freeze as I look into the golden yellow orbs as the face splits into a grin.
 
  "Hey there beautiful" he says quietly. The smile that he gives is beautiful. I know that my eyes widen as I stare at him in amazement. As I stare into his eyes though his smile soon disappears as his eyebrows furrow. As memories play across my mind I can remember exactly who he is. When the last memory that I have resurfaces I fight to get out of his arms.
 
  When I finally feel that I am released, I am left on the bed as my chest heaves and tears fill my eyes. I let them fall as I look around a home that is foreign to me. Not understanding where I am gentle sobs starts to leave my body as I move my hands to cover my now fully clothed body. Even as I feel the fabrics of the thick sweatsuit that is much too big for me, I still feel cold. My teeth chatter at the chill that is in the air. Why is this happening.
 
  "Julia" Jefferson my mate says sadly. As I take my gaze away from the fire on the other side of the room that should be warm I look at him. I can see the sadness that my rejection has caused for him. I can see how much he wants to come to me and to try to help. However, I know that he cant. As the memories play through my mind of what I have gone through in the last few days, I don't believe that anyone can help me.
 
  It is with that thought that I turn my back on Jefferson. When I see the stairs in the home, I don't even hesitate as I start to ascend them. I open the first door to my right and am relieved to find that it is a bedroom. I close the door quickly as I enter and I lock it behind me. I walk over to the bed and pull the cover back. As it lifts from the mattress a cloud of dust fills the air that causes me to cough as I shake it. When I see that the sheets below are perfectly fine, I no longer care about the dust.
 
  This bed will provide exactly what I need for now. I climb into the bed slowly as I feel the tears continue to slip down my cheeks. The light coming through the window but that will be easily solved. All I need is the darkness now. In the darkness I can feel however I want to feel. In the darkness I can focus on the pain. In the darkness I can close my eyes and still see his face for what would never be. In the darkness I can still live inside his soul since he has refused mine.
  My eyes close and for the first time since I woke I smile at the memory that I see. Now that I have been able to see him in a new light, I see it differently. I feel the softness of his kiss even when it is rough. I see the grabs of my ample flesh in a delicate way that was never meant to scare me. When I peak through my eyelids as his lips enclose mine I can see the rapture on his face from my touch.
 
  For each memory replayed his actions are different. I am no longer able to see the monster. The thoughts only make me cry harder as I replay his words and warnings. Each time he spoke I had been so focused on his anger that I never took the time to see what he actually said. I never read in between the lines. In the end it was his actions that proved the type of man he was.
 
  I saw through his soul how he changed. At the times of the changes it may not have been for me but I can see that he wanted something better. He no longer wanted to be a killer and a destroyer. He was working to find peace in his self and with the things that were out of his control at the time. I saw how instead of taking from those who didn't deserve it he helped. I saw the man that I would easily accept as a mate. But in the end he refused me. There is only one thing that this could mean.
 
  I know that he had to walk through my soul too. I may not know much about my soul itself but I do know that I am damaged. I know that each time someone left in my life they took a piece of me with them. I know that each time we moved away when another man left my mother, I was forced to make friends that I would never keep. Although that pain stayed. For each new person that walked in my life it has been all about waiting for them to leave. Everyone always leaves. I cant give anyone the chance to.
 
  "Julia, sweetie. Its Em. Why don't you open the door for me" I hear shouted through the door. I can hear the voice of my best friend and it nearly breaks my heart as it cracks with worry. A part of me really wants to answer the door but I know what will happen when I do. I am already damaged on the inside. My mates will know this because of course they will speak to the other. I don't need to break on the outside to. My shoulders shake as I shudder at the thought.
 
  I know that she will try to make me leave this bed. She will want me to talk. She will want me to do something besides lay in this darkness where I can have both of them as I had become accustomed to thought. She will want me to be strong and let them go if it is what will make me happy. However, she will not know what it is like. She gets to be happy with her mate.
 
  She doesn't know what its like to have a bond that you have wanted all your life. To hear thought broadcasted from the one that you are attached to and to see how they see you. To feel their emotions with the hope that they have as you reach out for them. I put myself on the line as I offered him a place in my heart as well as my soul. With one sentence he shattered it all. He shattered every thought, vision, fantasy, and future as he walked away from me. Twins are so much alike that there was no other decision to make.
 
  If one of my mates refused me then the other would also. Even if I didn't have to be the one to travel through hell for him.