You vs. My Whole Life | Bang Chan

Scars

Chan looked at me like I shot him while I could hear Changbin suck in a breath sharply. 

"I never claimed to be a good man." Now my heart took another hit. Chan took a deep breath and his soft expression changed. He glared at me with cold eyes in a way that made me feel like his prey. "You knew that from the beginning".

He was right. I knew he had killed someone before. I've always known how dangerous he was. 

My problem wasn't the fact that he was a killer.

My problem was that I was okay with that.

Nothing in my brain or my heart made any sort of sense at all. It wasn't like I was blinded by love and could look past his wrongdoings. My morals and values wouldn't allow me to. 

But at the same time, I seemed to come to terms with them. My brain had already tried to imagine every single scenario possible, analyzed all of the made up reasons for taking someones life. 

And I came to the very fucked up conclusion that it was okay for me - I was alright with him being the cause of someones death. 

I just wasn't okay with admitting it to myself. 

And I didn't know which was worse. 

"I'mma leave you two to discuss things between you," Changbin awkwardly stated before he drove off, pulling me out of my thoughts. 

Chan closed his eyes and sighed deeply. "I did it." He quietly said, as if it still needed any confirmation. A sad smile formed on his lips when his eyes met mine, followed by a non-humorous laugh. 

"I'm a fucking hypocrite. How can I expect communication and honesty from you when I won't even offer you the same courtesy in return?" His shoulders visibly tensed up.

A deep breath from him.

"I would've told you. I should've told you sooner but- I just wasn't ready to talk about it."

Another deep breath.

"Then again, I'm never fucking ready to talk about that night," he mumbled, running a hand through his hair in frustration. 

"My dad and Taeyongs dad were friends. Best friends. Until one day, they weren't. They used to be in the same gang. Lee Sooman, Taeyongs dad was the boss. My father-" He cleared his throat. "-tried to leave. He didn't want my mom and I in danger and he especially didn't want me to live my life the way he had lived his." Another sad smile appeared on his lips. He was doing exactly the opposite of what his dad had wanted.

I had to remind myself to breathe. 

"You can't just try to leave a gang though. He was the right hand of the boss of the most dangerous gang in town. Lee Sooman told him to choose - gang or family. My dad was deemed a traitor and got executed."

He balled his shaking hand to a fist, his nails digging into his skin, drawing blood. 

I felt like I had to remind him to breathe too.

"And because Lee Sooman was a crazy fucker, he decided that his death wasn't enough punishment. So he went to our house that same night and I watched him shoot my mother in our living room." A lone tear made its way down his left cheek.

"I always knew that my dad kept a gun in the kitchen drawer. So I ran into the kitchen without thinking about it too much and shot him in the stomach while he was checking my moms pulse to make sure she was dead. My next shot went into his leg. I had no control over the weapon. I was holding a gun for the first time that night," he gulped. "I was 8 years old."

"So that's the story. That's why Taeyong hates me and plans revenge. And it's also the reason I make sure Seungmin teaches all of us about the human anatomy. Because I regret it. Not because of the life I took, but for the ones I impacted. Including my own." The last part sounded like a whisper.

My heart shattered. I saw the eight year old boy in the man standing in front of me. The small, vulnerable boy that saw his parents murdered in front of his face and got caught up in a cruel world he didn't belong in. 

I realized in that moment why he made his gang members his brothers - his family. Because he had lost his previous one as a result of the impossible choice his father was forced to make. Gang or family? Bang Chan made sure to choose both. 

I finally closed the distance between us and hugged him tight. Like if I just held him tight enough, I could take his pain away. 

God, how I wished I could do exactly that.

"I'm so sorry" I whispered into the crook of his neck as I buried my entire tear-stained face in his embrace. 

"I don't need pity, I'm alright". I loosened my grip on him a little to look at him.

"I'm not pitying you. I actually admire how strong you are". That earned me a slight smile from him. 

"Listen I would love to stay like this all day and it's killing me to ruin this moment but isn't there somebody else you wanted to talk about?"  

I completely forgot why I came back in the first place.

"Sana- fuck I, I don't have time to explain everything but-"

I had to make sure she was safe. I had to tell her about Johnny.

"Do you trust her?" I didn't even have to think about my answer and nodded without skipping a beat. I had doubted the people I love enough in the past 48 hours already. 

I had tried to explain to Jihyo the most important things of the night I got kidnapped. Like how although Sana was complicit, she did it to save me and all of us for that matter.

But she just wouldn't listen to me. 

"You're her best friend and new to a gang. You can't vouch for her", she explained, dismissing me with a shake of her head. 

This can't be the end of it. She saved me. It was my turn to help her now.

"I can". Jihyo raised her eyebrows in surprise at Chans words. My head snapped towards him, I was just as surprised as Jihyo

"Are you aware of what you're asking?!" Her nostrils flared in anger. 

I for one wasn't aware of what any of it meant. I had hoped we could just go up to them and convince them of Sanas innocence so everything could somehow turn back to normal. Of course it wouldn't be that easy.

"I doubt that you know. You wouldn't be daring to ask me that sort of thing!" Jihyo was furious. "You're risking our alliance - the one you took 5 years to build - for a traitor?!" Chan took a quick glance in my direction. 

"Yes."

She threw her hands up in defeat. "This is ridiculous!" 

Chan smiled at me and squeezed my hand in reassurance. "Let's get your bestie."

"You're wrong, you know" I gave him a quick peck on the cheek and smiled back at him. 

He the one who blamed himself for the death of his parents, for shooting the person responsible and probably for every single bad thing that had ever happened in this messed up world. The one who would risk everything and put his entire trust in me. 

"You are a good man."