If i killed myself, would you finally believe me then? Would you finally understand? I express my emotions because to you because you're supposed to talk to your parents. You're supposed to tell them things. Thats what you both say. But when i do, its suddenly emotional manipulation? Crocodile tears? Yelling about unrelated things? Making a fuss just for the sake of making a fuss?
Every year i get older but nothing changes. I smile and i laugh outside and some days im very well and fine. But every single waking second behind it all, i have the sinking feeling that life is passing me by. I had all these hopes and dreams when i was young, but none of them are realizing themselves. When you're young, you believe you're invincible and on top of the world. You believe you can do anything. I believed that partially because of you—because you told me i could be anything. But im not like you. Im not smart. Im not cunning. Im not responsible. Im nothing. I can barely get myself out of bed some days. I rot in front of a screen for so many hours that ive lost count. Every day im losing something. Im losing my life. I know im weak. And thats why i know i'll never do anything i tell myself that i will. I'll never make something of myself like you have.
Im sorry. Im sorry im such a useless, mediocre daughter. Im sorry i yell or that i whine or that i procastinate. Im really, really sorry that im stupid. Im sorry that im selfish. Im sorry for so much. You deserve better than me.
But im not lying. Im not making this up. Behind every smile there's the foreboding sinking feeling of unhappiness. Which i know i shouldnt have. I have everything one can want for in life. I have everything one would need to make something pf themself. And yet i stay in place, static.
Time seems to spin faster the older i get. Ever since 2020 life has moved too fast. Every year i hope something will change but it doesnt and i cant remember a thing about it.
Some things do—i look different now (weight loss) and people actually look me in the eye because of it. Even you. Im not a disgusting pig of a daughter anymore. Im someone who could be taken advantage of. Someone who's could have a boyfriend. Someone you dont feel embarrassed to introduce to your colleagues.
But my satisfaction with life has not changed. My loneliness hasnt changed. The fact rhat i feel undesirable hasnt changed. Ive always hoped against for otherwise, but if this is what the rest of my life is destined for, i dont want to live it. Why? Why would i? Whats the point? The questions and pitying stares will only get worse as i get older. Your anger at my failure will too.
At least if i died now i could die knowing you'd sob and finally say that you're sorry. At least then i know you'd give a shit and feel bad.
Or maybe you wouldnt. Maybe it would still be my fault, be something that cant be helped.
I love you so much. I wish you loved me too.
I dont think i'll ever have the guts to actually do it, but boy do i wonder.
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Opinions / rants
Non-Fictiona little space to catalogue my opinions on things because i do not always have the chance to talk about them. You can ask me anything - from fandom relateed stuff to politics, pop culture, general culture, social norms, stupid preferences, and etc.
