Audrey Hepburn's Pearls: Volume 1

Chapter 10.2: 1967, Georgina

Carl had looked really upset tonight, disturbed. He had passed out the drinks at the bar without a smile. He was still dressed in his black suit.

Unlike the rest of us, he had gone to Mr. Chamberlain's funeral earlier in the day. Our customers thought his black suit looked smart and snazzy, but to us it looked sad and was a constant reminder of our awful mistake.

Several times, I had to leave the floor and go into the men's bathroom, my hand pressed against the wall as I tried not to vomit. Customers knocked on the door and several shouted at me in there, wanting to use the restroom as a line formed outside, but I didn't give a fuck about them. I didn't give a fuck about any of them.

Paulie had seen my pale face and tried to joke with me that the bright lights of the stage illuminated me even under my foundation due to the reflection off of the paleness, but I told him to shut up. This made him give me a very sad look, like Carl's suit. He'd pat me on the back and go do his set as we exchanged sets all night. Between sets, I'd sit in the office, my head on the desk in my arms.

Paulie didn't understand, though he tried. There was no way he could understand the guilt I felt, how I felt like Mr. Chamberlain getting murdered was all my fault. If I hadn't been so stupid, told Mr. Caselotti "no" or "maybe another night", Mr. Chamberlain would still be alive.

Around 1 AM, Frankie drifted in. Paulie kept eyeing me from the stage, his sad eyes betraying him as he did his Toto act. Fewer people were laughing because he just did not look funny tonight. He wasn't smiling enough. Instead, his comedy act seemed almost mean. Normally light-hearted and full of delightful smiles and perfect comedic timing, his "Toto knows the way home" act was uproariously funny and even hopeful and endearing, but tonight...

Frankie and I were sitting together in a booth, our hands under the tablecloth held together tightly. We were watching Paulie on stage as Precious Paula playing Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz and trying not to cry as Paulie struggled on stage.

"I think home is here or there or anywhere," Paulie ventriloquized in Toto's high pitched doggie voice. "Shut up, Toto, you suck at giving directions," Paulie then barked at Toto, too harshly and with no smile. Several people in the audience jumped at this where usually there would be table slapping laughter. Paulie forgot to throw Toto as he said it, too. Because of this, he looked momentarily confused, losing the cue to actually move across the stage.

"Uh...um..." Paulie cleared his throat and lifted Toto up in the crook of his arm. He began speaking as Toto again, through his teeth, which would normally be through a smile. "Don't you think home is anywhere? Home is in your heart. Home can be right here. It can be there. It can be anywhere." Paulie looked at the audience, but the message this time was completely lost. Several of the audience members shifted in their seats, just waiting for the embarrassment to end. Paulie looked like a deer in headlights now, absolutely aware he was bombing.

"Thank you, folks," he said, his head hung, looking completely ashamed. He looked like a little boy who had just pissed his pants in front of all of his friends.

At this, I had to bury my face into Frankie's shoulder as I started crying in tiny sobs, trying to not let my body shake. I felt so embarrassed for Paulie. Ashamed and grief filled about everything. Frankie's large hand started to rub my back, all he could do in public. I knew if we were in private he'd kiss me, tell me things would be okay, that we'd get through this, to please stop crying, Georgina. I wanted that so badly. So badly. I started to cry harder thinking about how much I wanted that. I started to hate how he couldn't comfort me intimately in public. I started to hate my life, falling apart right there in the booth.

"Georgina," I heard him whisper. "Come to the bathroom with me, okay? Come with me."

Unexpected rage filled me. It took me by so much surprise it made me gasp into him.