Feel Better

Unfinished Memories

   While packing, I start to remember a lot of things from the past. People, places, stories, and my grandma. Of course the thought of my grandma pops up because she's just past and well, yeah that's how the brain works. It takes a topic and runs with it and eventually you will lose track of what you were originally thinking about. Just how the brain works.

   One of the things I remembered were those times when I was younger, questioning my identity.

   I sorted through multiple labels and none of them seemed to fit. Then I finally found one I thought fit, I thought I was a lesbian.

   AND BOY WAS I WRONG.

   But I didn't know that, I wasn't sure of anything I was thinking. Before that, in like kinder through 2nd grade, everyone was having 'crushes' and I was left in the dust. I felt obligated to have one as well. So I faked it. Never told anyone of it, but kept it in small journals. It made me feel normal, as if faking a crush, that no one would ever know of, was going to help.

   It didn't. I felt even more estranged at the fact of needing to faking one.

   If you are wondering who those crushes were. And yes I had multiple. They were all my best, guy friends in those grades. (Quick author's note: These names hold no value to me, they all are random names that were on the top of my mind.) Isaac, Thomas, and Evan. And because they were all guys, during my questioning phase. I thought I was a lesbian (before I knew I was trans).

   Ah poor, old Eli.

   When I did debunk this theory and went on to my gender, for a long time I considered myself nonbinary. Until I realized a certain pattern to how I acted in the past and how I act now. It was a hard to accept, for some reason. The thought of me wanting to be a guy was so obvious, yet so hard to understand.

   Why?

   I have no idea.

   Maybe it was the fact of being wrong. I had accepted the label nonbinary thinking it fit and now that whole process was broken, shattered, for a new one. More effort into having to check those boxes, pass that quiz of 'I am this and I am not anything else. This is me.' All over again.

   Maybe it was the fear that this wasn't it either.

   That was a scary thing. I wanted to know myself for sure. I felt like if I didn't, it would be like I was in a place I don't know without any directions or a map. Why? Because I wanted to know my feelings towards other people, so I wouldn't lead someone on or fall in love with someone who likes me back and decline them, thinking I didn't. And for the gender side of it. Having an answer to people when they ask for my pronouns, basically just that.

   Clothes have no gender and I knew that. Didn't spend all that time watching One Topic At A Time and JammiDodger for nothing.

   At some point I came to the conclusion that I am a gay, trans man. Wooohoooo yayyy! No more denial. Either way too late now! I have no chest and I am already taking T. Nice.

   Now that I am done packing and reminiscing. What else do I need to do before I go?