Hanging by a Moment

Humans are stupid

I'm not really sure how this became my life but I am on a food shopping outing with Jamie. This is the only place we hang out. It's sweet and frustrating all at the same time. We do have a really good time together so it is what it is. I'll take what I can get. I honestly think he doesn't trust himself with me in any other situation. We're like 70 year old friends shopping together. When I hang out with him it's just effortless. We make each other laugh, have fun conversations, and get our food shopping done. It's so much more fun with a buddy than alone.

"I just got off the road so I have pretty much nothing. I'm stocking up today. You?"

"I don't have to get too much, actually. I have plans with my parents, going out with my brother Patrick tomorrow, and I have a date so dinner's pretty much taken care of for the week. I don't think I'm gonna be home for dinner at all."

"A date?"

"Yeah. I'm looking forward to it. It should be fun."

"Oh."

"What about you? Any exciting plans?" My way of asking if she's going to be here any time this week without actually asking.

"Not really. Busy week at work."

"Oh. Ok. Maybe if you're free and I'm free we can hang out somewhere other than Whole Foods."

"Maybe. Yeah."

"Did you make a list of what you need?"

His dimples cut into his cheeks and he mumbles a bashful "no."

I shake my head. We've talked about this before. He never comes prepared and always winds up trying to wing it, and it never works. "You're never gonna learn."

He smiles. "Probably not."

I open up my list on my phone. There's not much on it. "My list is pretty pathetic."

"Because you're so popular this week, Miss social butterfly."

"You are more than welcome to join me at any time."

He hangs his head and looks down at the floor. "I know."

"Are you cooking for one or two this week?" I can't help myself. I have to know. I can only assume that she's not in town because he's out with me, but you never know.

"Just me." He has such a softness to his voice, with a bit of sadness. I know his situation hasn't been easy on him, but our situation isn't easy on me either.

"Shame." I have to try incredibly hard not to let him see me smile. I don't want him to be sad, I don't, I just want him to want to be with me more than her. "I know I need veggies. I may even use most of them this time." It's so hard to keep vegetables fresh and to actually make sure to cook all of them.

"You sure about that? Maybe scale back on the amount this time."

"I should be eating more."

"But will you?" He has this smug look on his face that makes me want to kiss him and slap him all at the same time. I hate that he makes me feel every emotion and I have no idea if I make him feel anything at all.

"Yes. I think. I'll try."

"So this date, who is he?" He kinda winces after he asks, like maybe he regrets asking.

"He's a personal trainer. Loves the outdoors. Way more active than I've ever been in my life, probably. Maybe he can whip me into shape."

"You don't really need it," he mumbles under his breath, but loud enough for me to hear.

I blush a little. "Thanks. I should probably get out more than I do, though."

"And you guys hit it off?" He's not even looking at me anymore. It's like he's in the same boat as me. He needs to know but he doesn't want to know.