Cupid's silver arrow (GirlxNB)

Twenty

To my surprise, our study sessions goes by smoothly, with no one coming by to disturb us.

Olivia sits close to me, her arm touching mine as I explain things to her. She's catching up, which makes me think she just needed some more time to assimilate things, or someone explaining it in a different way.

"I think that's it for today," I say, stifling a yawn. It's getting dark outside, and I'm still a little tired from overthinking. "Are you confident for the test?"

She gives a tentative smile, "at least now I understand the subjects, so I hope I can do it."

I give her a half-smile, touching her shoulder briefly, "you'll do fine. You basically did all these questions today alone."

"But only because you've been helping me," she says, cheeks getting pink.

How can I tell her that even though I helped, she wouldn't have gotten it anyway if it wasn't for herself? Hard work or talent, the only thing that mattered right now was that she understood it.

"Nah, it was all you," I end up saying, like the idiot that I am. Ughhhh.

We leave the library, Debbie waving at Olivia. I'll never forget how she made Debbie smile.

"C'mon, I'll give you a ride," she says, cheeks reddening as she looks away. I try not to think anything of it.

"Thanks," I say. It's too cold to walk home. "Hey, are you sure your parents won't mind if I teach your brother to shoot?"

"Yes. I think I'd be good for him to do something other than be a little devil," she smiles fondly at the thought of her brother. "He needs to put his energy somewhere, I think."

She drives me home, and it's comfortable. It used to feel a little weird, but now we can talk comfortably, and it makes me happy - I finally feel like Benji's not the only friend I have.

"See you tomorrow?" she asks with a smile as she parks on my street.

"Yep. See you," I give her my half-smile, closing the passenger's door and watching as she drives away.

I do some push ups in my room before doing my homework and studying for the test. Gotta learn to teach, so I work extra hard on Chemistry, thinking about how happy Olivia looked when she understood a question, and then got it right.

I think back on Benji's words, torn between not wanting to feed this crush, afraid of losing a friend, and feeling like she's worth trying. Knowing I want to feel loved, having the mind to know maybe it won't be like my parents. Maybe it'll be more hers, soft and warm and safe.

I lay down, my headphones on my ears as I listen to music, thinking about my life. I hope I can go to a good university, leave this house. I hope I can start hormone therapy and do my top surgery one day. I want to live a peaceful life.

'yo, did you know rorys actually good inchemistry?' Benji's text makes my phone buzz on my stomach. Somehow that doesn't really surprise me.

'how do you know that?' I text back, raising an eyebrow at the screen. I see his bubble as he types.

'she offered to help me today, we have geometry together'

'just with geometry?' I send a sly emoji, and he sends a fist back.

'go to sleep, archer-boy'

I put my phone on the nightstand beside me, a little laugh trapped in my lips.

I close my eyes, letting sleep take me.