My Soldier - You're My Home

Real

A/N ~~ I have no words..



~~Thursday, London Hospital~~

Lizzie POV

Over 5 weeks. 39 days in total. 950 hours.

That's how long it has been since Harley came home to London. 5 weeks since she was taken into surgery and eventually helped into her coma. I never thought seeing her like this would hurt the way it does. She's right in front of me, I know she is alive and safe again. She is within reach, I can touch her and hear her heart beating. I spend nights watching her chest rising and falling, reminding me she is breathing. But it feels like she is still thousands of miles away. Out of reach and alone. Not seeing her eyes, her smile. Not being able to hear her voice or laugh even though she is right in front of me is something I will never be able to get used to. Everyday I open my eyes, and see my Soldier laying so calmly, still in her peaceful sleep, but having no idea when she will wake is something that breaks my heart more and more every day. I just want to see her eyes open, for her to look back and see my eyes already looking at her with the biggest smile waiting for her. Dr Bailey has assured us he doesn't think it will be too much longer until we can start making arrangements to encourage her to wake up, but ultimately it is down to Harley and her body. Her swelling and bruising has started to heal, leaving a light purple and yellow tinge covering her skin, a at least 75% of her face is still not her usual colour. I keep imagining what her body looks like under her hospital gown, seeing how badly she was beaten on her face, I can't bring myself to see her without clothes yet. Only the nurses and Stuart have seen her body properly when they come to change her dressings and wash her in the bed. Stuart has been learning how to re-dress and clean her injuries, knowing I am not ready for any of that yet. Thankfully, he agreed to be the first to help the nurses until she at least wakes up first.

Harley's vitals have been very steady and stable for the last few days, which Dr Bailey is pleased with above anything else. We have had a few dips and scares when it has come to her ventilator and heartrate, but thankfully the nurses have explained that it's an extremely normal reaction with the trauma her body has been through. There has been nothing to note over the last 5 or 6 days, which is really positive in terms of Harley waking up soon. If she carries on this way, the Doctor will plan on removing her ventilator, which will let her body get used to breathing independently again and therefore encourage her body to wake up on its own. Stuart has asked about ways of her waking up, and one way that was talked about was waking her medically, which could cause complications. But that is a last resort in these circumstances, so hopefully Harley is strong enough to come back to us on her own. Since Scarlett went home to New York after her visit, the four of us have fallen into a rhythm and daily routine that does not even need to be discussed anymore. None of us have wanted to leave Harley alone, so we have figured out times where we can always have someone be with her so the others can have time to do what they need to do. Stuart started to take Maisie home later in the afternoons, knowing she was not sleeping properly whilst in the hospital. So, they have been going home to shower, eat and then get a good nights sleep ready for returning in the morning. Then Tom has been leaving when they both return in the morning, to also shower and sleep before he brings everyone something to eat not long after lunch time.

In between all of that, I still spend all my time in the hospital with Harley. Stuart has brought me more of my things, and thankfully the nurses and Doctors have been incredibly understanding. They have allowed me complete use of the bathroom in Harley's room, so I can shower here when everyone else is with Harley in the afternoon or when Tom is sitting with her on a night-time. And as much as I find the smaller bed in the room uncomfortable and hard to sleep in, I have been doing my best to get some sleep when I know someone is sitting with Harley. So, between us all, Our Soldier is never alone. In a strange way, spending so much time together in this room waiting for Harley to wake up, has given me chance to build my relationships with her family. The shared emotions bringing us all closer together in a way I never expected to happen. Even the small things like learning how everyone has their coffee, to what they like and don't like to eat, and even helping with Maisie with her School work that she has been doing on her laptop so she doesn't fall behind at School whilst spending her time here with her Sister. Thankfully her School has been more than accommodating with her work, sending her everything she needs, as well as offering time to video call with her teachers to ask anything she needs to after lessons have finished. So the three of us have been making sure to encourage her to get everything done, and to take advantage of the time her teachers are offering her. And I can't wait to tell Harley how proud I am of Maisie keeping up to date on everything the way she is, she's just like her sister. Determined and driven in anything she puts her mind to.

It's currently sometime during the night, or early morning. The moon is shining bright outside the window, the stars being so clear tonight its beautiful. Stuart and Maisie are at home get some much-needed sleep as Tom takes a nap in the chair on the opposite side of Harley's bed. Today has been like the last few days, no notable changes with Harley, no dips or spikes which is amazing. We are one step closer to getting her off her ventilator. I can't help but take the peaceful, almost silent times like this with Harley and just take in everything about her. The way her skin is getting more and more pale the longer she is indoors. When she arrived, and we eventually got to see her, once I looked past all the bruising and redness, I could see how much she had tanned being in Nigeria for so long. But it's pretty much faded now. Her hair is getting so long, nothing like I am used to seeing with her. Even when she is on Tour, one of the guys usually cuts all their hairs so it never gets too long. I keep finding an excuse to stand up so I can brush it back from her face, knowing it would irritate her so much if she was awake. The heat to her body is coming back, when I hold her hand, it doesn't feel as cold as it did the first time I did it. And I have strangely got used to the feeling of her hand between mine, as well as the needles and wires coming from the back of her hand. I also barely register the noise of the machines anymore, getting so used to them I forget they are there sometimes. It's not until it becomes this quiet at night that I am reminded Harley is still hooked up to so many different machines even still, 5 weeks later. But when I hear her heart beat getting stronger and keeping it's normal rhythm again, I know she is getting her strength back to wake up and come back to me. It gives me hope.

"So, Scarlett called again today." I begin to talk with Harley, something Dr Bailey has encouraged us to do everyday to help keep her brain active. He has sat and told us many stories about how some of his patients have talked about hearing their families and people around them talking whilst they were in a coma like Harley, and how it helped them to push through to wake up. So we have all be making more and more effort to talk directly to her as often as we can. I give her hand a light squeeze before saying anything else. "She'll kill me for saying this, but she misses your voice Harley. And Rose, she misses you like crazy. She can't wait to video call you to tell you about School and how she has drawn you so many pictures that Scarlett is running out of room for them." I ramble, finding it helps if I talk to her this way. Like she can hear me clearly, and knows I am here. "We all miss hearing your voice, Harley. I miss our midnight talks when we both wake up and decide to make some tea to bring back to bed. I miss hearing you singing in the shower, or when you cook. And as much as you say you don't, you have an amazing singing voice that I could listen to all day, every day." I feel a tear roll down my cheek, something that I find happens a lot when I spend time with Harley on my own like this. I stand up from my seat, wiping away the tear before leaning over to give Harley a gentle kill on her head, brushing my fingers through her hair softly as I just take in her peaceful face. "I love you so much Soldier." I whisper, leaving another delicate kiss on her temple before readjusting my seat so I can sit back slightly, but still hold her hand in mine as we continue our nightly talks.

"I think we should go back to Disneyland sometime, take Maisie and your Dad with us. invite Scarlett, Rose and Colin, even Tom and maybe Zendaya. Make a real family holiday out of it." I think aloud, squeezing Harley's hand slightly with the growing excitement as I think more about the possibility of it being a reality. "We could visit some of the Marvel Cast, take Maisie to meet Evans. She would freak out seeing him in person-" I get suddenly cut off by a sudden alarm-like sound blaring from behind Harley's bed. My head snaps up to search for where the noise is coming from. I look between the machine screens, finally finding which one is making the noise. My grip on Harley's hand even tighter as I see one of the screens flashing red as different numbers start rising and falling. My own heart begins to race in my chest as I try to make sense of what is going on. I quickly reach for the button behind Harley's head on the wall, alerting the nurses to let them know something is wrong before I look down and see Harley's body start to move around. Her chest is rising and falling alarmingly fast and heavy as her back arches from the bed. Then I look up and see her eyelids moving, as if her eyes are rolling behind them. I can't contain the tears as I watch helplessly as Harley starts to suffer in ways, I have no idea how to help. But before I can even try and do something, the door to her room swings open as nurses come rushing inside wheeling a cart between them with another machine on top of it. Something I have seen before, but only on TV. "Miss, we need you to leave the room." One of the nurses come to my side, holding my arm as she tries to bring me away from Harley's side as the other nurses start to help her. "No, I-I can't. I can't leave her." I pull away from her gentle grip, not letting go of Harley's hand as I watch a nurse cut open her hospital gown, revealing her heavily bruised chest that she starts to cover in sticky tabs. "Miss, please. We need you to leave the room so we can help her." The nurse tries again, but I shake my head vigorously in reply, tears streaming down my face as I hear chatter between the other nurses.

"..Cardiac Arrest.."

That sentence reaches my ears clearer than anything else being said, and instantly I feel my heart crumble in my chest. "Is she? What's happening? Why is she-?" I stumble over my own words, searching the nurses face as she gives me a sympathetic look. "I can explain outside Miss, please, let the nurses work." She tries one final time, and I finally give in, letting her slowly pull me away from Harley's side. I grip onto her hand as long as I can, keeping my eyes on hers as they never stop moving behind her eyelids, willing her to wake up so I can see her again. "Harley... please, don't leave me." I plead with her before I feel her hand slip from my grip, watching it fall to the side of the bed before I feel my feet moving without knowing where I am being lead. The nurses filter to surround Harley's bed, words flying around the room that I can't make any sense of before I realise I am on the other side of the door. I turn around, looking at the nurse who has brought me from the room for any kind of explanation. She looks back over my shoulder before looking up into my eyes again, sighing softly as she does. "This can happen when someone is in a coma after suffering traumatic injuries like Harley has. Especially with the surgery she went through. Her body is starting to give up, and that has sent her into Cardiac Arrest." The nurse explains, and the look behind her eyes is telling me more than her words ever could. "Is she-? Dying?" I ask, my words escaping before I have time to try and ask differently. Less, bluntly. But right now, I need to know. "In a way, yes. I'm sorry but that is what can happen with something like this. the heart can give out before we can bring her back. Or she could end up with severe brain damage." The nurse adds and instantly I feel my legs wobble beneath me. This is it. I could lose her. Again.

Thankfully, Tom was there to hold my body up from collapsing before the nurse is leading us to another waiting room near Harley's room. I managed to look through the small window to her room before we moved away, seeing her body being shocked, hoping to bring her back and make her heart beat again. We all end up sitting in silence as we wait for someone to come back and tell us how she is. The nurse promised someone would be back as soon as they knew she would be okay, but the longer we wait, the more I lose any hope in hearing good news. I have Tom to my side, his arm around my back in a side hug as Maisie in on my other side between my seat and Stuart's. Her hand is squeezing mine as her head is laying on my shoulder. I can feel her silently crying on my shoulder, as I hear Tom holding back his tears and sobs that are waiting to leave his mouth. I can feel the strong of my own tears rolling down my cheeks, but I don't move, not wanting to disturb anyone right now. We need to stay together, find comfort in each other until we hear the news we are waiting for. The room is so silent, until Stuart slowly pushes himself up from where he was sitting before, he begins to pace the room. Obviously becoming impatient with the lack of news. It feels like hours have passed (but it must only be minutes) as we all sit and wait. Something I thought I would get used to by now. But then a nurse appears in front of the glass door, opening it slowly and gently as Stuart comes to a stop to one side. We all jump out of our seats, hands still holding on each other's, but the look on the nurses' face is enough to make my heart stop. Her eyes giving away the reality her words are about to bring. No. It can't be true. Please...

"I am so sorry, but Harley's body lost its fight. After going into Cardiac Arrest, the nurses could not bring her back. Captain Lane has-" The nurse struggles with her words, looking between us all in the room. I can feel Maisie's grip on my hand getting tighter, cutting off my blood flow as she begins to shake. Tom is trembling beside me as we all wait for the words to come. "She has passed away. I am so sorry for your loss. Dr Bailey will be with you all very shortly to help you in any way he can." The nurse continues before Stuart thanks her and then she leaves the room. The room falls silent, no one knowing what to do or say. I can barely register anything before I hear a heart wrenching scream leave Maisie's throat. Thankfully, Stuart is quick to pull her small, fragile body into his arms to stop her from falling. Her grip on my hand disappears as Stuart holds her as she screams and cries Harley's name. My eyes then blue over with tears, losing sight of anyone in the room. My thoughts getting louder as they start to wash over my senses. She's gone. I will never get her back. Not in the way I want her. I'll never hear her voice again or see her gorgeous eyes looking back at mine. I'll never be able to tell her I love her and see her smile that smile she holds only for me when I do. And she will never tell me she loves me in return in that adorable accent of hers. We won't get our future. Everything we planned, everything we wanted, together. Gone. The love of my life, gone. My soulmate. She's- she's gone. My own cries finally leave my body as I feel my legs lose the ability to hold my body upright. Not waiting for someone to catch me as I feel my body reach the floor with a thud...



~ ~ ~ ~ ~



I feel my whole body jolt awake as I am forced out of my nightmare. I push the chair as I get to my feet, not caring about anything other than wanting to make sure I was in a nightmare, and it is not my new reality. I take a step forward, not needing to move far before I reach the side of Harley's bed. My eyes search for her chest, waiting for it to move. My hand reaches up to feel her heart beating as I try and focus my senses enough to hear the familiar beeps of her machines to tell me she is in fact still alive. When I feel her chest rise under my hand, as the beeping of her machine finally registers in my ears, I let the tears fall freely as sobs take over my body. Gasping for air as I grip the handful of blanket and hospital gown under my hand as my other keeps my body from falling onto Harley fragile form. "Liz?" "Lizzie, what is it?" I hear Tom and Stuart's voices across the room, but I can't bring myself to look away from Harley through my tear-stained vision. The flashes of my nightmare bringing waves of aggressive sobs and tears. "I thought- I had-I..." I try and explain, but nothing comes as I just cry harder, barely able to take a breath. "Calm down Liz, it's okay. Just breathe." Tom is now by my side, a comforting arm around my back as he keeps my up. "I lost her Tom. We all did." I manage to get out past my tears, feeling his grip on my arm tighten in reply. "She's here Lizzie. She's alive. She's not going anywhere." He assures me as I just cry, letting it all out. I feel another hand on my back, knowing it's Stuart now standing on my other side as they just let me feel everything, my grip on Harley's hospital gown never faltering as I feel her chest rising and falling beneath my hand. I wish she could be the one to comfort me, her arms wrapping around me, her small kisses against my forehead. Just her voice is enough to calm me down, no matter what has happened. "I can't lose you Harley, please, don't leave me." I sob as my head drops onto her uninjured shoulder. Crying into her as I try and get any kind of comfort from her that I can as Tom and Stuart never leave my sides.


~~Thursday Afternoon, London~~

Lizzie POV

After my very emotional and tiring morning, I ended up falling asleep when I eventually calmed down. I talked to Stuart and Tom about my dream over some coffee before they encouraged me to try and sleep. As much as I was against the idea, fearing falling into another nightmare, Maisie quickly came to the rescue and offered to lie with me so I wouldn't be alone. So once we settled into the small bed, it didn't take long for my body to succumb to how mentally exhausted I felt. I only managed to sleep for a couple of hours before my body was very awake. So, I gave up on the idea of sleep and instead decided on distracting myself from thinking about the morning I had. Thankfully, Maisie has brought her laptop with her today and has some School work to catch up on. We quickly got set up on the small bed, getting as comfortable as possible as Tom got us some coffee before he left to head home. Stuart got himself comfortable beside Harley, reading her the newspaper like he does every morning as he reads through it himself. We ended up sitting and getting so much of her work done, more than she needed to for today but she was more than thankful to have someone to help her through it all. And before we know it, we have spent hours getting through her work. The last section of work she has to complete is English Language. Something I love so we decide on taking it on so then her next couple of days are free of work. We manage to get through the worksheets together, only having to help her on smaller things that she seems to know it just takes a prompt or two before she gets it on her own. She is so smart. Something that deffinently runs in the family. Harley is very intelligent, and Maisie is going in the exact same direction. We make it to the final question, and just as Maisie is finishing her paragraph, an unexpected knock on Harley's door makes us all snap to look towards the door. Not knowing who it could be?

Stuart puts his newspaper to one side before jumping up to answer the door as Maisie quickly types up the last part of her answer. I keep my eyes on the door, not knowing who even knows we are here who would have to knock. Not even the Doctors knock like that now, they give us a little knock before coming into the room freely now we know them well enough. I can hear Stuart greeting whoever it is in a friendly way, which settles a little of my nerves since he seems to know who it is. The sound of Maisie's laptop shutting snaps my attention away from the door for a split second before it returns, and I see someone who is not Stuart begin to enter the room. My eyes widen in complete surprise as I finally see who it is. My body seems to move on autopilot as I gently move from beside Maisie on the bed, pushing myself to my feet as two other people enter the room before Stuart joins them, closing the door as he comes back into the room. A genuine, comforting smile on his face as he looks in my direction. My eyes then find the three very familiar faces as they wait for me to make the first move, which I do easily, rushing to them without hesitation. Mom is first to bring me into her arms, hugging me tightly before my Sisters follow behind her, squashing me in a family hug. This is exactly what I never thought I needed all this time. I instantly feel so much more at ease just being around them again. "What are you all doing here?" I ask when we all finally come away slightly from each other so I can see their smiling faces again. "We are here for work but came here first." Ashley quickly answers, beaming as she does. "We wanted to come make sure your all okay, and we brought some doughnuts and coffee for everyone." MK adds, holding up the bags in her hand with a matching beaming smile to Ashley's. they are too much, always.

I show them to the small table across the room where they can put the bags down before turning around to make some more in person introductions since this is the first time they are all meeting face to face. "Mom, MK, Ash, this is Harley's Dad Stuart and little sister Maisie, in person this time. These are my Sisters, MK and Ashley and my Mom, Jarnie." I introduce, stepping back to let everyone say hello before Ashley jumps to hand out some good smelling coffee to everyone as MK offers a doughnut to everyone. My smile growing as I watch them all just get along like they have known each other forever. Effortlessly. Then as everyone digs in and enjoys the coffee, I move to stand beside Harley's bed. Looking down at her sleeping peacefully, stroking her longer hair from her forehead as I just take a moment with my Soldier. But I am not alone for long as I feel someone carefully joining me. I glance out the corning of my eye, seeing my sisters now standing either side of me as my Mom stays sitting with Stuart and Maisie across the room. "How is she doing?" MK is first to break the small silence with her gentle tone. "Better. Her vitals have been stable and steady for the last few days without any changes so the Doctor is planning on removing her breathing tube later today." I explain quietly, remembering what Dr Bailey had told us all a little while ago when he visited Harley. "That's great news, right?" Ashley adds, and I smile a little wider as I nod my head in reply. "Yeah, they hope she is going to wake up soon, but there is no telling exactly when, so they want to see how her body reacts to breathing on her own again." I explain further, my heart beating a little louder knowing that it could go both ways when it happens. "She'll be awake soon sis, I just know it." MK says softly, rubbing her hand up and down my back comfortingly as Ashley reaches for my free hand. "I hope so."