My Soldier - You're My Home

Same Four Walls

A/N ~~ Sorry this one took a little while, but I was very hungover at the weekend and could barely function! Thankfully, it only lasted two days so I am back with the emotional rollercoaster ;)


~~Wednesday, London~~

Normal POV

It's been around 10 days since I woke up, and everyday seems to get that little bit better. My appetite is growing, my body getting used to be awake for longer. The constant tiredness is becoming less and less, meaning I get more time with the people closest to me. As much as I hate seeing them putting their lives on hold for me, I appreciate them so much everyday they come to see me. But the best part of all of this is waking up with Lizzie by my side every time I do. I missed her more than I ever imagined missing someone whilst I was on Tour, so having her here with me is something I never imagined having so soon. She has been amazing at dealing with everything, never wanting me to lift a finger as my body recovers. But the longer I am I am stuck in this bed with minimal movement, the more irritated I am becoming. I hate this, being so useless. People having to do everything for me all of the time. I can't even wash myself properly without the nurses having to help me. I just, I want to be back to normal again. As much as I know that deep down that is never going to happen, I wake up every day wishing for all of this to be a horrible nightmare. Hoping that at any moment, I will really wake up and be back in Nigeria with my team, helping people and saving lives. Not being stuck in this room, in this bed, missing a part of me that I will never be able to get back.

I keep my eyes closed as I feel my body completely waking up now after lying here for a little while stuck in my thoughts. Ever since I opened up to Tom a few days ago, my head has been doing nothing but overthink everything. Fearing what comes next. As much as I want to get out of this bed, get out of this hospital room and be back at home. I can't help but worry about what will happen when I do. Will I be able to even walk again? If I can't walk, or even if I have some form of prosthetic, I can't be a Soldier again. What will I do? Can I ever work for the Army again? If so, what can I do? How will I survive without a job, a career? How can I build a life together with someone if I can't support us, or even myself with no income? Will Lizzie even want to be with me when I am better? Will she still love me when I am so broken? How could she love someone like me, I can't even bring myself to look in the mirror, why should I expect Lizzie to look at me and still love me? Can we really still have the future we both want, together? Even after all of this. can it bring us closer? Or will it just drive us apart in the long run? Will my recovery become too much for her, and eventually she will get tired and leave? I wouldn't blame her, it is a lot to take on when she has a life and career halfway across the world. She can't stay here in London forever just to take care of me. I could never ask that of her, she can't give up everything she has worked so hard for, just for me. I can feel my heart beating out of my chest as my thoughts become too much. My breathing becoming erratic and heavy as I feel every emotion washing over my body over and over again. Then it hits me, a panic attack.

"Harley, wake up!" Lizzie's voice finally gives me something to focus on as I try and force my eyes open. "Baby please, wake up." I can hear the worry and panic laced in her words, almost being muffled by the intense beeping the machines attached to my body. The pounding in my eyes matching the heart monitor as it alarms everyone listening to my racing heartbeat. I can't bring myself out of it, not by myself. "Baby, just open your eyes, I'm right here." Lizzie's voice finally gives me enough strength to force my eyes open, instantly feeling the sting from the bright lights of my hospital room. I groan as I blink away the pain as best I can, wanting to see Lizzie. "Talk to me Harley." Lizzie's grip on my arm as she is squeezing my hand gives me something physical to focus on as I will my body to calm down. Trying to gain control of my own breathing again as my eyes meet those emerald, green eyes I could get lost in, already staring down at me. I focus on them, hoping they can bring me back from this nightmare as I will for her to keep talking to me. Thankfully, she can practically read my mind at this point, and before I know it, she is willing me from my current state. "Harley, baby, follow my breathing." I feel my arm being lifted before my hand is pressed against her body, just below her neck with my palm pressed into her chest. Instantly I can feel her heartbeat as she begins to breathe deeply against my hand. "Follow my breathing, in and out, slowly and calmly." Her voice is so soft and comforting, with the soft touches of her hand against mine, my body instantly begins to relax in her care. "That's it baby. Take your time." She whispers, her thumb rubbing across the back of my hand as she keeps it in place, my body beginning to slowly calm down as she talks me out of my thoughts with so much ease.

"I'm sorry." I begin to say now that my body is calmer and more relaxed, but Lizzie is quick to shake her head as she gets comfortable sitting on the bed beside me. Her hands encased around mine as she never looks away from my eyes. "You have nothing to apologise for Harley. Things like this are going to happen, but I am always going to be here to help you." Her sweet words are enough to instantly bring tears to my eyes, glossing over as I look down at our hands on the bed. A silent minute or two pass as I listen to the steady rhythm of my heartbeat through the machines before, I feel Lizzie squeeze my hands again, bringing my attention back to her as I look up to meet her soft gaze already on me. "I know this is all, a lot. But just remember that I'm always going to be here for you Harley. Whatever it is that you need, I'm here." Her words cut through me like a knife, bringing me back to everything that was flashing through my mind not too long ago. The fear of losing her, still lingering even with her comforting words. "I just- I can't." I stumble over my words, getting lost in what I want to say or even how to say any of it. But before I can try again, the door behind Lizzie swings open to reveal a very happy looking Tom. I can't help but laugh as I watch him come skipping in, swinging a bag of food in his free hand. I am actually so thankful for my idiot cousin right now, because I had no idea where to start with this conversation with Lizzie. I don't want to burden her further with all of this going on in my head, but I know if I don't talk with her, it will drive us apart. Either way, someone gets hurt. I just don't want to hurt her.

All throughout having some lunch with Tom, I could feel Lizzie's eyes on me with every move I took. It's becoming easier doing small things for myself, even though the pains and aches are still very much there, I can feed myself which is something I am so thankful for. I would hate having someone feed me every meal. Even though I only have one arm, I have adapted and with some help opening packets or cutting food up. Lizzie is always making sure I have everything I need before we sit down to eat together, which is so sweet of her, but it is getting really old really quick. I just want to be able to do things for myself again without needing a helping hand. After eating, we all sat with some hot drinks as Tom ended up talking about his plans for filming when he goes back to L.A. I can't help but smile as I hear how excited he is to get back to L.A. I know how much he adores his work, ever since seeing him in Billy Elliot, I knew he was going to be a huge star. He is so talented, and I love being his biggest supporter from wherever I am in the World. We don't have too long to talk about normal life before we are interrupted by Dr Bailey knocking on the door and letting himself inside. Instantly my chest tightens as I see his hands full of paperwork as he enters the room with a small smile on his face. I have no idea what he is here to talk about, but this is the first time I have noticed him bringing any additional paperwork with him when he visits. But before I can spiral too much, I feel Lizzie's hand find mine from her seat beside me, squeezing it gently to let me know I am not alone. And that is all I need to not fall into a complete panic over what is to come.

"Hello everyone, how are we all?" Dr Bailey asks everyone in the room, making us all smile softly as he looks between where we are all sitting. "Good to see you Dr Bailey." Tom jumps to his feet, shaking the Doctors hand as he reaches the side of my bed where Tom is sitting. "Hi Dr Bailey." Lizzie greets from beside me, sitting a little closer than she was before still in her chair as she grips onto my hand. "How is the patient today?" He jokes lightly, making me smile at how he tries every time to make me laugh when he comes into the room. He really has been a great Doctor to have taking care of me, regardless of the situation I have found myself in. "Still bed-bound and hating the constant sight of these four walls." I joke back, making him chuckle as he places some paperwork down on the foot of the bed before he comes to look over my machines. "Unfortunately, that is what happens when you come back from risking your life for others Harley." He begins, going on a tangent about how I am an amazing Captain, and anyone would be lucky to have me lead them into battle as he checks my machines and notes some things down. "Thanks Doc." I deadpan, still hating any type of compliments when it comes to my job. "How is the day-to-day pain getting? Are we still at a 9?" He asks, and I don't hesitate to shake my head softly as he starts to take a look at my injuries. "I'd say they are around a 7 now, sometimes going up but not all the time." I add and he smiles down from where he is checking my eyebrow. "That's great, Harley. Seriously I expected it to still be at least 8 or 9." He replies, making me smile as I let him check over my face before he moves to my shoulder, instantly apologising when he has to move my arm around a little, causing me to grunt and groan in pain. Every time I do, I feel Lizzie squeeze my hand, obviously not liking seeing me in pain. I hate her seeing me like this, but I know there is no way she is ever leaving this room in the near future.

"Well, good news, with the pain reducing, we can carefully think about reducing your medication little by little. This will then help your body adapt to being without the pain relief and get you on track towards physiotherapy." I can't help but smile at Dr Bailey's words, knowing I am at least making progress is enough to help the doubts and fears start to fade. "I know that when you start to feel better, you want to push yourself Harley but please try not to just yet. We need you resting as much as possible, so you don't fall back in your recovery." The doctor adds, making me groan quietly to myself at the thought of still being completely bed-bound. I hate everything about it. But as I unconsciously glance over towards where Lizzie is sitting, I can see the look behind her eyes, telling me she will not be letting me push myself at all as long as she is by my side. And just to add to the look in her eyes, when she catches me looking at her, she does that extremely famous and incredibly terrifying Wanda head tilt. That alone sending fearful shivers down my spine. She really does give off Wanda vibes, and she doesn't even need the red eyes or wiggly-woos. Fuck. I force my eyes away, gulping down the lump suddenly in my throat as I bring my attention back to Dr Bailey, almost second guessing my next words but if I don't say anything I am going to go crazy in this room. "I will rest Doctor, I know my limits and I know I need to take it really easy until my body gets better. But..." I begin, feeling all eyes on my right now wondering where I am going with this, but I need something. Anything to help shift my mood. Even just for an hour.

"Is there any possible way I could leave the room, even just for 10 minutes?" I rush out my words, feeling the grip tightening around my hand as Tom shuffles a little uncomfortably in his seat to my side. I catch Dr Bailey sigh quietly as he thinks about this, a part of me knowing what he will say, but I need this. desperately. "I know what you're thinking Dr Bailey, trust me, if I was in your position I would be saying no too. But to be completely honest with you, my head is starting to spiral with nothing to re-focus on. And I genuinely think some fresh air and a new environment will help me a lot, not just mentally." I practically plead with him, seeing his brain ticking over as he listens to every word I say. I glance over at Tom, seeing his eyes gloss over at how genuine my pleas are, but I don't look at Lizzie just yet. I don't want to see the worry in her eyes at my request, knowing how much I need this little thing right now before I go crazy. "Harley, I know exactly what you are thinking and how you feel but-" He starts to reply, but I can't let him say no to this. I need this. "No disrespect Doctor, but I don't think you do know how I feel right now. I have so much going through my mind every minute of every day, ever since the day I woke up. I know it's a little risky and a lot to ask, but I will behave. I will not move unless I have to, and I will stay firmly planted in a wheelchair and not even attempt to do anything for myself the whole time I am out of this room. I just- I need a walk, some sunlight and fresh air in my lungs. Please Doctor." I might as well be on my knees right now with how much I am now begging. But I really need this. I am pretty much desperate at this point, as much as I hate to admit it.

"Okay." I go to try again, pleading with Dr Bailey, but his response registers just as I open my mouth. My eyes widening in shock as I search for any hint of sarcasm coming from him, but I find nothing. Only a small smile as he looks between all three of us quickly before his eyes are back to mine. "Seriously?" I breathe out, making his smile grow as he nods his head softly. "I understand that all of this is not just physically draining, Harley. And we need to make sure we take care of your mental health as well as your physical for as long as we can. So, give me an hour to make some arrangements and find you a suitable wheelchair that I can show Tom how to use so he can make sure to keep you safe and secure." My body completely relaxes, and I feel so much negative energy leave my body from his kind words. Never feeling so thankful to be allowed to go outside until now. "Thank you, Dr Bailey. You have no idea how much this means." I reply easily, making his smile only grow as he makes some notes before gathering his things to take with him. "I'll be back soon with everything you'll need. Make sure you rest before I come back, it will be tiring on your body Harley." I nod confidently, knowing it will take a lot out of me, even if I am not doing anything for myself. Even just the move from the bed to the chair is going to be awful. But it will all be worth it to be able to have some time out of this room. Dr Bailey says a goodbye before leaving the room, a small silence filling the air before it is cut short by the sound of Tom's voice. "Are you sure about this Harley?" He checks, and I quickly turn to face where he is sitting. "I need to get out of this room Tom. Seriously it is going to drive me insane." I exhale, his glossy eyes still firmly on me as he nods before standing from his chair. "I'm going to get some coffee before we take you out, I won't be long." I smile as he leaves the room, knowing he understands just by the small smile on his face before my attention slowly falls to my other side, seeing Lizzie looking a little lost in her thoughts. So, I sit patiently waiting for her to come back to me.

"Come back to me Lizzie." I whisper softly into the room, thankfully just enough for Lizzie to hear me. It's been a few minutes since Tom left, and Lizzie is so quiet and lost in her thoughts that I am beginning to get worried. I gently squeeze her hand as she looks up to meet my eyes. The look she has telling me everything I need to know before she tells me. "Hey." I whisper with a small grin, making her lips break out into a small smile as she searches my eyes for something, anything. "Hey baby." She replies softly as she takes my hand between both of hers, rubbing her thumbs over my knuckles as she slightly turns in her seat to face me properly. "Why haven't you said anything sooner about how your feeling, Harley?" She asks in such a soft, gentle voice it almost brings me to tears. I sigh softly, kicking myself for not thinking about my words in front of everyone, not wanting anyone to worry about me more than they already do. "I uh- I'm sorry I just- I didn't want to worry you anymore." I stumble over my words, but before I can try to find what I want to say, Lizzie gently gets up from her seat, moving to sit on the bed beside me with my hand still in hers. I let her find her words as her eyes go between my own, a slight gloss to her gorgeous emerald, green pupils. "Harley, you never have to apologise for any of this. you are in a position no one ever thought you would be, but we are all here for you. Whether you need to talk, scream, cry, any of it. We are all here for you. Nothing is pushing me away from you Harley. I won't judge, I won't be scared off by anything. I'm here to stay, with you, forever. No matter what." I can't even begin to find anything to say in reply to her words, hearing how genuine and true they were breaks my emotions. And before I know it, tears stream down my cheeks as I choke out sobs clawing up my throat. Thankfully, Lizzie quickly pulls me into her arms and holds me as I let it out.

"Alright Harley, ready to go?" I hear Tom ask from my side, making me smile as I nod my head almost excitedly. "Ready as I'll ever be." I am in complete agony right now from being moved from my bed to the wheelchair I am currently sitting in. The new position and not so comfortable padding in the chair is causing my body all kinds of problems, not to mention how much is hurt being lifted into the chair by Dr Bailey, Tom and two of the nurses. But just the thought of being outside is making it all worthwhile. After my emotional breakdown with Lizzie, Tom came back and sat by my side as I talked a little more about how useless I feel being stuck in this room. The two of them just listening and being so supportive. It felt nice to get some of my fears off my chest, but I don't want to unload too much, but thankfully Dr Bailey soon arrived to get me into a wheelchair. "You warm enough baby?" Lizzie's face suddenly appearing in front of my eyes snaps me from my daze, making me smile as she is kneeling down in front of where I am sitting in the chair. I can hear Dr Bailey giving Tom some final instructions behind me, but my focus is on a very smiley Lizzie in front of me to give their words much focus. "I'm very warm and snug under all these blankets." I tease, shuffling a little in all the blankets I am wrapped in to make sure I don't get too cold when leaving the room. Lizzie giggles at me, instantly filling me with something I didn't know I needed as she leans back up on her feet, not before quickly pecking my lips before she is completely upright again. The smile on my face almost hurting with how wide it is from the small, normal action. "Okay, enjoy your freedom, Harley. Just please remember what I said, and stick to our little rules okay?" Dr Bailey kneels beside me and pleads with me now, making me chuckle softly as I nod my head. "Will do Doctor, thank you for this." He pats my good shoulder before opening the door for us to get going.

As soon as I was out of the room, my whole body and mind felt so much better. Just seeing new walls and doors was enough to help me realise I am not stuck forever. Seeing new faces walk by as we make our way through the hospital makes me smile to myself, but going at this speed is really starting to annoy me. "Go on Holland, pull a wheelie or something!" I shout excitedly, putting my good arm in the air like I am on a rollercoaster. Instantly Tom pulls my chair to a stop, and I already know I am in trouble as I feel two pairs of eyes burning into the back of my head. "NO Harley! You were literally in a coma 2 weeks ago! Not a chance." Tom complains before slowly pushing me again. I can't help the grin pulling at my lips at his attempt at being stern, silently laughing to myself knowing he is hating this as much as me deep down. "Fun sponge!" I whine, knowing it will get under his skin. "I swear to god Harley!" He complains, making me laugh again, only this time it escapes my mouth, but quickly regretting it as I feel a sharp pain in my ribs. "Both of you stop it or I swear Wanda will make an appearance!" Instantly the sound of Lizzie's stern tone of voice from behind me makes my body tense up, I hate hearing that tone from her. She is so scary and I just know she is shaking her head in my direction as her eyes give away everything she is feeling. I love that girl so much, but she can be terrifying. I need to behave myself before they turn me around and take me back to the room before I reach outside. Thankfully, it doesn't take much longer before we reach a huge revolving door leading to what looks like the gardens out the back of the hospital. And as soon as we go around to the other side, the fresh air hits me like a bus, but in the best possible way. I take a deep breath, wanting to soak up every second I am in the afternoon Sun. "This is nice."


~~Wednesday Afternoon, London~~

Lizzie POV

After a slow, calming walking around the gardens outside the hospital, and seeing how much being out of the room is making Harley so happy we decided on going to the canteen to get a coffee together before heading back upstairs. As much as I hated seeing Harley so upset and emotional earlier, now I understand how much she really did need this. Her smile has never faltered since leaving the room, even when she was being moved into the chair she was smiling from ear to ear. We all could see how much is hurt her being moved, but seeing the way she is now made it all worth it. This is how I have wanted to see her since she woke up, just happy. I thought I would be waiting a long time to see her so genuinely happy, but this small time out of her room is all she needed for now. I almost hate myself for worrying and doubting if it was a good idea when she asked Dr Bailey, not realising how much it would help her. I can't deny that I have been a lot more wary of my spiralling thoughts over the past couple of days, even since hearing the conversation between Tom and Harley when they thought I was asleep in the room, my mind has been working overtime. Hearing Harley's confessions to Tom broke my heart, hearing how much she is worried about losing me because of what happened to her. A small part of me is hurt that she would think of me that way, and that I would leave her because she looks different, but I understand why she is fearful of it all. Anyone would feel the same in her situation. I hate that Harley is not opening up to me completely with how she is really feeling, but knowing she is at least talking to Tom is enough to settle my mind. I shouldn't have listened to them, but I couldn't help it, hearing Harley so upset broke me. But I also thought knowing how she is feeling without her telling me directly would help me be there for her more. I just hope she talks to me soon.

"How can someone like her, love someone like me after all of this?"

"I won't be the same again? Not just the horrible scars or missing leg, Tom! I'm not the same Harley that left London a few months ago!"

"I can't lose her Tom. I can't, I won't survive. But she deserves so much better than me. A broken Soldier..."

I know everything about her recovery will be hard for everyone, but Harley is going to struggle so much. I know losing her leg is going to be completely life changing, but I already promised her family I am not going anywhere. Nothing can push my away, I am in love with everything that is Harley Lane. Not just the uniform or the looks, just Harley as she is. And even though this will change everything, and we will all have to adapt, I am ready to do whatever it takes to help my Soldier. Even if that means she is not a Soldier anymore, I will support her and help her through all of this. she will forever be my Soldier. Her scars and broken body will be a reminder of the lives she saved, a constant reminder of the person she is. So brave and selfless. Loyal and strong. My Harley. The most incredible person I have ever met. And I can't wait to see the person she becomes at the end of all this, because I know she will still be my Harley, just stronger and even more amazing than she already is.

We join the line for our drinks, but I can't help but notice all the looks Harley is getting from anyone that walks past us. The sympathetic smiles and pointed fingers. I just hope she is not paying enough attention to anyone else to notice, but knowing Harley, she is seeing every single one. I catch Tom's hands grip the wheelchair tightly as he starts to notice the looks, but I quickly place my hand on his shoulder to get his attention. "I know. Just ignore them." I say softly, seeing the anger bubbling behind his eyes. He nods softly at my words, loosening his grip as she shakes off his emotions as best he can. We all know this is going to happen, but we need to try and not let this get to us all. I want Harley to be able to enjoy her time away from her room, not dread it because of how people look at her differently. But the longer we are standing in line, the more looks she gets, and before I can do anything to stop it, I hear her voice snap as she slams her fist down on the arm rest to the side of her good arm. "If one more person looks at me like I have a second head I'm going to punch them in the face with my good arm!" She shouts in annoyance, instantly catching everyone's attention around us. Everyone looks down and I know this is only going to make her feel worse, so I quickly move to kneel down in front of her, wanting her attention to be on me and nothing else. I cup her face in my hands as gently as I can, pulling her eyes to focus on me as best I can. I hate the look behind her eyes, a mixture of hurt and anger, even embarrassment as she shakes her head softly in my hands.

"Harley, baby. Look at me." I ask a softly as possible, pulling her angry gaze to look into my eyes. I smile softly as I see her pupils lighten back to their stunning hazel brown colour, he hand loosening from the arm rest as she concentrates on me. Once I know she is listening, I keep my voice low and gentle so only she can hear me. "Please try and clam down for me. You need to be relaxed and not stress yourself out." I begin to explain, reminding her that she is still very much fragile, and her body is sensitive to everything, even her change in emotions. "I know, but everyone is looking at the state of my face and then down at my missing leg, and they give me this look and I hate it." She begins to ramble out, becoming angrier as she does. I don't like how much her chest is rising and falling, getting heavier with every breath. I don't want her to be in more pain than she already is, not because of inconsiderate, ignorant people. "I understand baby, I do, but stressing yourself out is not good for you right now. So please just try and ignore it okay? For me?" I plead with her, not liking how irritated she is becoming. It takes her a few deep, calming breaths as I rub my thumbs along her sensitive cheek bones, but eventually she settles down enough to smile softly in my direction. "Your right. I'm sorry baby." She whispers, making my smile grow in reply. "Don't apologise, Harley. I just want you to enjoy your time away from your room, that's all." I reason with her, not wanting her to feel guilty about this in any way. "I love you." She replies easily, making my heart skip a beat at how genuine and easy her words come out. "I love you too baby." I reply as easy as breathing, missing telling her how much I adore her.

"Now, what would you like to drink?" I ask after leaving a small kiss on her lips, making her smile grow at the small gesture. "Whatever you're having beautiful." She smiles as I slowly get to my feet in front of her. "Okay, why don't you and Tom go get a table whilst I order something?" I suggest, nodding up as Tom smiles down at the two if us. "Sounds good." They both reply in sync, making us all laugh before I watch Tom push her away gently and move to find a table for us to sit at. I catch more people looking down at her in the chair, my heart aching every time. No one should be staring at her like that, not after what she went through to end up that way. If people knew what she did out in Nigeria, they would think twice about the stares they are giving her. And now seeing what it does to her when people stare, I know I am going to find it hard not to get angry myself when she keeps getting those looks. Thankfully, I'm next in the line so I snap myself from my overactive thoughts to order some drinks for the three of us. as I am stood waiting for my order, I can't help but steal glances over at where Harley is sitting with Tom joining her at a table across the room. Tom managing to get a table that is slightly out of the way of people walking in and out, instantly helping Harley. I can't help but giggle to myself as I see Harley laughing and joking with Tom at the table, seeing her beaming smile back firmly on her face. A smile I have missed so much, that I have been begging to see for so long. Scared I would never be able to see her smile again. When our drinks are ready, I rush to the table, not wanting to miss out on a second longer seeing Harley so happy. As soon as I join Harley's side, pulling my chair impossibly closer to her side, I am surprised by Harley's hand finding my leg under the table. Giving my thigh a gentle squeeze as she talks with Tom, something so small that I didn't know I had missed so much until now. I can't hide the slight blush on my cheeks as I just admire Harley laughing and talking with Tom, gently holding her hand on my leg, never wanting to let go ever again.

I'll never let her go again, no matter what.