Meant To Be

1. Lazy days

mehar's pov

Sitting on the desk near my bed, i was studying. I don't usually study, atleast- not by want. I have to start studying one day or the other, anyways. So why not now?

But that's not the reason why I'm studying, I'm studying because I'm frustrated. why, you may ask? Well you see, first I'm not a size zero, second is that I saw his picture again.
I knew I should've deleted it that day, and I knew I should'nt have made an entire folder which was filled with his photos, but what can I do? I didn't want to just, let go- even if it has been 5 years now.

I realise i ramble too much about it, even now, so i start focusing on whatever I'm studying. It was maths, not the best subject but I did it anyway. he used to help me in maths.

I sigh, keeping my pen down on a certain page of my book, and closing it, then keeping it in the book shelf. I come back, sit on my chair as i stare blankly at the table. Before i could zone out, I hear my mom.

"mehar! where are you, sweetie? lunch is ready, you can eat now" says my mom, as she slightly opens the door to my room

I take a deep breath, not looking at her, before saying, "i don't want to eat right now, ma. I'll eat later" i say, as a small sinking feeling in my stomach settles in.

"you sure, sweetie? it's your favourite, chicken stew." my mom says again, it looked like she was on her phone.

I climb up my bed without making much noise, and go in my soft blankets. I want to lay here forever. "it's okay I'll eat later" i say, as I hear the door shut.

I sigh, turning around in my bed and picking up my phone which was kept near my pillow, and turn it on. I start scrolling through different apps, trying to get my mind to rest, but it's February soon, and it's making me feel uneasy. Not that I have anything against it, it just that I get reminded of certain things when this time of the year comes around.

A small pout forms on my face as i look through my contacts, not noticing the certain number/person i was looking for, knowing well that i had deleted it. A part of me wishes, I hadn't. No, how can I not? It only hurt me seeing him, so is it not better to get rid of everything that bothered me? I scolded myself.

Feeling uneasy in my own skin, like always, i scrolled through the album, which was hidden in my phone just like I had learned to hide my feelings for him too. I stare longingly at the photos for a few minutes, before exiting that app, and texting some of my friends.

I've noticed over the years that my life doesn't really change. Maybe my age, grade, my pencils and my hair. Maybe my face too, but the life I've been living since i was in grade seventh, getting up, brushing my teeth, going to school, coming back, sleeping, eating, studying, sleeping and repeat.

There were times where I went out with my uncles and aunts, i loved when they took me out. My mom doesn't really take me anywhere, as she's usually busy with work. I don't mind going out with my uncle and aunt because i love my cousins and they are nice. But it's not like it doesn't bother me when i see my cousin interact with my uncle and aunt, i guess you could say I'm envious, but I'm not upset, i guess i just admire them. I also wish to have a parent who takes me out to places, to have fun, to spend time together. But I know more than to not be ungrateful, my mom does so much for me. I love her alot, although our relationship isn't the best.

Dad was never there, having passed away when I was only 2 months old, resulting in my mom going back to her mom, i understand that she probably felt so stressed out. I try not to take the things she says to me at heart, as I know she means the best for me.

Evening passes by, and it's night, and I'm in my room, still in my phone, scrolling. I change my position in the bed, twisting and turning, trying to find something interesting to watch, i sigh. Keeping my phone down near my pillow again, i look up at the ceiling.