"You have no idea what loss is."

"I miss you."

Tommy didn't really know what he was doing. He had woken up earlier than usual this morning, the comforting warmth of Maria next to him making him smile. He let himself lie still for a little while longer, resting his head in the crook of his love's neck and simply existing for just a minute. But he knew it had to come to an end. Everything did after all.

In an instant there were arms pinning him back against a dresser and a gun knocking hard against his temple -

Tommy's breathing was heavy when he grounded himself again, shaking his head as he sat up. His hands were shaking. His head hurt. His head really fucking hurt. Pulling himself away from the familiar body that lay next to him, Tommy got up and made his way out the room. He hadn't bothered getting changed to go to bed last night so he didn't see the point in changing today. His clothes were the least of his concerns.

Before Tommy could leave out the front door, however, he looked out through the window in the kitchen, the window that overlooked the usually busy streets outside. Considering how early it was, there wasn't a lot of people wandering about, but there was a bouquet of flowers left by his front door. He had to prepare himself before opening it, looking down at the flowers and sighing. He wasn't the one who needed these. He wasn't the one who deserved them.

A feeling of longing seemed to tug at his heart as he began walking down the cold roads of Jackson, the only people who seemed to be awake looking on at him in sympathy. Tommy didn't need that sympathy, he knew he didn't. He kept walking until he passed a familiar house, stopping to stare. Ellie hadn't come out in days. The only time he had seen her was when they had been checked over to make sure they were okay, after that she had practically disappeared. He wanted to talk to her.

Ellie wasn't taking it well, everything that happened. She needed someone to be there for her, someone to talk to. Tommy felt his eyes sting as he tried to shake the feeling of guilt in his chest. Ellie needed Joel.

All too quickly Tommy was running to save a random girl who was cornered by infected, both him and Joel making sure she was okay, introducing themselves by their real fucking names -

Tommy kept walking. Ellie didn't need to see him right now. Not him. The world blurred together as Tommy kept walking forward, his cheeks stinging with the cold air around him. Last winter, Jackson had set up a large fire, one that could ensure almost everyone found a place to sit around it. People had danced and laughed and enjoyed their winter, making new memories. Joel had played his guitar, singing a song as old as some of the people listening. Tommy had talked to him afterwards, listening to his older brother as he talked about Ellie.

Ellie had been everything to Joel. That much was obvious. Tommy had never seen Joel as happy as he was when Ellie would bring up an old conversation from when they travelled across the country together, or when Ellie energetically pulled Joel into some conversation about space and all those things Tommy would never understand. Well, Tommy had seen Joel that happy once. With a girl as young as Ellie was when he first met her, a girl who Joel had set out time and time again to try and protect. A girl Joel could never forget.

Tommy had to stop himself before he lost it in the middle of the road, looking up as he realised where he was. Flowers and pictures and notes lined the front path, candles placed to remember a man everyone loved. He hadn't been inside yet. Not since Joel had -

Tommy was waking up in a daze, panic spreading through him as he woke up back in Jackson, Maria and some others waiting next to him. "Tommy! You're okay, hey you're okay." Maria had smiled at him, holding his face gently as he looked around. "Where's Joel?" He had choked out, his voice sounding strange to his own ears as everyone in the room seemed to still. Tommy couldn't breathe. "Where's Joel??" He was frantic, his eyes desperately searching as he looked to his wife. To his love. "Maria?" She didn't reply. She didn't even look at him. "Maria, where's -" —

Tommy's hands wiped away his tears as he looked on at the house in front of him. Had Ellie been back here yet? Would Ellie ever be able to come back here? Tommy promised himself he'd go in there tomorrow. Get some things for Ellie. She needed them more than he did. She was suffering.

After a while of just standing in front of the house, Tommy found it in himself to move. He knew where he was going. The sky was still dark when he looked up at it, losing himself in the dark stretch of black. He had practically memorised the route anyway, it's not like he needed to look in front of him. There was a star that shone particularly bright above Jackson, Ellie had dubbed it 'Apollo'. She claimed it was the name of some space related thing, they let her get away with it. Just two months ago, Tommy had sat down on the front step of his house, looking up at it as Joel sat next to him.

"Did you ever believe in all that...astrology crap?" Tommy had asked curiously, making Joel laugh. "Astrology? Look at you with your fancy words." The younger man rolled his eyes. "Right. Thanks."
"Anytime. And, no. Not really."
"Not really?" Tommy looked to his brother in confusion, a smile tugging at his lips. "You telling me you believe that the stars tell you who you are or whatever?" Joel shook his head. "No. That's just fuckin' stupid." They sat in silence for a couple seconds before he continued. "But I like to think they mean something. Maybe...I dunno." He trailed off, waving his hand in front of him and shaking his head.

"No, no! Say what you were gon' say." There was a shine in Joel's eyes. "You just wanna laugh at me." Tommy grinned. "Okay, then I promise not to laugh, how's that?" Joel sighed in a show of fake annoyance. "Alright, fine." Silence embraced them yet again as they both looked up at the sky. Tommy could wait until his brother wanted to speak again. He liked nights like these, no jobs to worry about, no infected to kill, no fights to break. Just sitting in silence with someone he cared about.

"Sarah used to talk about the stars." Tommy didn't look over. "She thought they were pretty. Used to...used to say they were people we loved watching down on us." Joel laughed. It sounded pained. "I like to think that's what she's doing. Watching down on us. Making sure we're okay." Tommy felt himself holding back tears. "Yeah. Yeah I think she is." Both brothers settled once more into silence, looking up at the sky as they both felt their gaze drawn to Apollo. "Maybe she never even left." Joel smiled, tears in his eyes. "Maybe."

Back in the present, Tommy had found himself at his destination. The graveyard Jackson had built was, thankfully, relatively small considering the world they lived in. He came here quite often, even before everything happened. Good people were buried here, and Tommy was never going to let himself forget that. The life he lived now he owed to the people who died for it. He owed to it to the newly added headstone in amongst them.

It still felt unreal to Tommy as he sat down in front of the grave marked 'Joel Miller'. His hand reached out, trailing across the stone as he felt his eyes brim with tears. "Hey, big brother." He whispered, smiling as he pulled his hand back. "Sorry about not visiting you much. I've been worried about Ellie. She's..." Tommy trailed off, frowning as he shook his head. "She misses you."

I miss you.

Those words go unsaid as he clears his throat. "She forgives you. You know that, right? She loves you, Joel. More than anything. You raised her right. You were always a great father." Tommy wishes his brother was really sat in front of him right now. He wishes Joel got to hear it one last time. "I'm sorry." He didn't really know what he was saying. "I'm sorry about Sarah. I'm sorry about Ellie. I'm sorry about pushing you away. I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry I never tried to contact you when I found Jackson. I'm sorry I couldn't help you more. I'm sorry I did this to you."

I'm sorry I wasn't a better brother.

The first light of dawn began to show, the sun rising as a new day officially began. Tommy remembers the last time he watched a sunrise with his brother. They had laughed, talked, hugged. They had been happy. "I love you, Joel." Tommy whispered, tears falling freely down his face as he watched the sun slowly make its way into the sky.

His heart ached as he felt himself begin to break. He had been trying so hard for the past few days to look strong, to be tough, to not let any weakness shine through. But he was tired. He was in pain, his mind wouldn't leave him alone, and he missed his older brother more than anything in the world. Tommy could still see that girls face, could still feel his world come to a halt as the girl fired her gun.

His sadness soon turned to anger as he stood up from beside Joel's grave, looking down at it before shaking his head. "I promise you, brother." He whispered quietly, closing his eyes. "I won't let them get away with this."