see you later // Pablo Gavi

Chapter 28

𝑯𝒊𝒔 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒆.
𝑯𝒊𝒔 𝒔𝒎𝒊𝒍𝒆.
𝑯𝒊𝒔 𝒆𝒚𝒆𝒔.
𝑯𝒊𝒔 𝒔𝒎𝒆𝒍𝒍.
𝑯𝒊𝒔 𝒗𝒐𝒊𝒄𝒆.

𝐌𝐘 𝐄𝐗𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐌𝐄 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄, 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐌𝐀𝐘𝐁𝐄 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍 𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄, 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐏𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐎 𝐆𝐀𝐕𝐈, 𝐃𝐄𝐄𝐏𝐋𝐘 𝐃𝐈𝐒𝐓𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐄𝐒 𝐌𝐄. I want him to like me because I like him. But really, that is not the thing I want the most. The thing I want the most is to not like him at all. I wish I didn't wish he would like me. Because I wish I didn't care. I wish I didn't like him.

I have never been that kind of girl. Ever. And I have always been careful to not become like this. Completely head-over-heels for a guy, I mean. I've always thought that is stupid. That people like that would never make it far in life. Then he came along, and just like that, with his perfect brown hair, perfectly shaped nose, and beautiful lips, he broke down all my defenses. He enchanted me. And I'm still enchanted. Though I don't want to be.

It scares me how often I think about him. He is always in my thoughts. Always. I'm nearly always thinking about him, in one way or another. And I don't want to be. I hate to be. I'm putting him above everything that is important to me- success, family, friends, classes... It scares me. Why do I care about him this much? Why is he this important to me? I'm scared. I never have wanted to like guys because I never have wanted to rely on boys. Guys are strong. They have it under control, it always seems. They look like refuge. Especially this one. I want to be weak. I want to let all my guards down with him. I want to relax with him. I want to trust him. And I do. I really do. But I have to be my own person. I can't rely on him like this. I have to be successful by myself. I can't let anything get in the way of that. Even if that thing getting in the way is the most perfect boy on earth that I have ever come across. I have to be successful, and get my priorities straight.

It is like my emotions are ruling over my thoughts. I know that this wouldn't be good... Right? I'm so confused. Everything in my is jumbled up. My feelings say that Gavi is the one. They say that all we have to do is get together, and everything else will sort themselves out. My thoughts tell me no, that that wouldn't be good. That I'm just falling into the trap of love. That I'm leaving behind everything that is important.

Gavi is handsome. He's strong. He's rich. He has the sweetest, softest, personality sometimes. And sometimes he's tough, like he should be. He would be protective. I just know he would be. I know him well enough. I know him so well. We get along so well. We are just similar enough. And just different enough. We click. A part of me longs with all my heart that he finally kisses me and asks to date. The other hopes that never happens. Because would that ruin our friendship? What if there is a breakup, and our friendship that I value so much is thrown out the door? That would be awful, and would leave me feeling worse than I feel right now, unable to date him at all. Don't give me something and then take it away. If it is going to be taken away, then don't give it to me in the first place. I hope he doesn't ever ask me, because I couldn't say no. Not because I think he'd be mad. I honestly do think he would understand if he asked me out and I said no. I really do. But it is because of me. I love him too much. I couldn't say no. But I know the best thing to do would say no. Because I can't be weak. I have to be a strong woman. I can not let myself down. I cannot calm down. I cannot be at peace until I reach success. Maybe, someday, after that, I can consider marriage and dating. But right now, I don't think I can. Can I?

But the one I love is Gavi. And this might be my only chance with him. In some years, when I've become rich and successful, what if I don't have a chance with him anymore? Because they only way for me to chase my goals would be to cut off our friendship. Because as long as we're friends, I'm going to like him. Therefore, I will be distracted. Even just a week away from him makes me distracted. I can't stop imagining him, and longing for the next time I know I'll be with him again. He has distracting me from everything. I feel tired and sad and there is a pit in my stomach when we're apart too long. I hate all these emotions. I want him so bad. Every part of him. I hate, hate, to admit it, but I need him. I feel sick without him. He makes me happy. Everything about him. That beautiful bright smile. The smile that makes everything perfect. His perfect body that I long to be against mine. His extremely impressive wonderful talent. He enchants me whenever he plays. He is excellent. Everything about him is amazing. But I don't want to have to need this. I really don't. I do, though, and I have to be done denying it now. I literally need Pablo Gavi. And I wish I didn't.

Working through this is so much for me. But I know if he offered to date today, I would happily take up his offer. No doubt. No questioning. Because I do love him. I love him with all my heart, like he seemed to communicate to me just minutes ago. I feel we belong together. I really do. Two pieces in a puzzle.

But I also feel I can't let myself stoop down so vulnerable and weak like that.

Oh God, what do I do with all this?!