Don't You Want Me? [Kagehina]

Chapter 5: Undesirable

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SUMMARY:

Over the next few days, during the lucid moments of his heat, Hinata felt despondent.

If Kageyama hadn't wanted him now, in the throes of his heat when he was most desirable, most alluring, most breedable, then he would never, ever want him.

***

The next couple of months were fairly uneventful. Hinata and Kageyama were completely immersed in their studies and their research. They spent their time together outside of class working on assignments and exams and research problems. They were together most of the time, and continued to bicker and challenge each other. It was comfortable, familiar, yet Hinata found himself wanting more.

Kageyama never opened up, never talked about himself, never exposed his inner thoughts.

And Hinata had still not managed to find out why Kageyama was so afraid of losing control.

It wasn't from lack of trying. Hinata was constantly nosey, probing. He asked personal questions more often than was probably polite. But Kageyama either shrugged or told him to shut up and never provided any personal information.

It was supremely frustrating, because the longer Hinata went without knowing what was really going on with his partner, the more his brain couldn't seem to let it go. He had a hunch that Kageyama's reluctance to share was somehow related to his family. Was there some deep, dark secret that Kageyama didn't want anyone to know about his parents? Were they addicted to drugs or alcohol? Did they abuse him? Was it somehow even worse than those things? The questions burned in Hinata's brain.

Hinata's next heat was much like his last. He was gone for several days from class, relying on Kageyama to take notes. Kageyama had given him a t-shirt for his nest, and Hinata had lewd, nasty fantasies about his friend the whole time his heat raged through his body. But when Hinata returned to school this time, it somehow wasn't embarrassing to face his friend. At some point, the thought of Kageyama naked and fucking him had become so frequent and so natural that it didn't warrant any more shame.

At least not most of the time.

But there were times when they were alone, when the scent of dark chocolate seeped past Kageyama's scent blockers, that Hinata found himself lost in his fantasies, so far gone that he stared at his friend and forgot his surroundings. Kageyama would smack him on the back of the head, which should not have been arousing in the least, but Hinata craved Kageyama's touch – any touch he could get. The thought was beyond embarrassing. It was difficult, but Hinata would force his thoughts back to the task at hand, burying his desires and trying to ignore this attraction, which was clearly one sided.

Kageyama had another rut, and as he had promised, he texted Hinata to let him know. Hinata had felt a sense of satisfaction – and maybe a slight warmth in his gut – from the small gesture. While Kageyama was sequestered, Hinata couldn't help but wonder what, or rather who, Kageyama thought about during his rut. Not that he would ever be privy to that information. Kageyama would never open up about something so personal. It was probably for the best, however, since it most certainly wouldn't be Hinata.

One night, the two were up late studying for an upcoming exam. They had moved from the kitchen table to the sofa, sitting close to each other to be able to see what the other was reading or writing. They worked till the early hours of the morning, but they eventually both conked out where they sat.

A few hours later, Hinata woke, realizing his back was killing him. It took him a minute to realize he had collapsed in an awkward position halfway on top of Kageyama but with his feet still hanging off the sofa. He looked over at Kageyama, who was contorted into a similarly uncomfortable posture, partially sitting up and partially lying on the arm of the sofa, his torso twisted at an odd angle. Their papers and textbooks had fallen to the ground during their slumber.