PERIPHERY | NH |

THIRTY EIGHT

Hunter

Deep breath in...

Deep breath out...

That's been my mantra for the last several days... Anything to try and ground myself to keep from having another complete and total meltdown.

I haven't cried this much in years.

Having the most intimate part of my relationship with Niall exposed for the entire world was gut wrenching, it is gut wrenching. Both of us were so private that it felt like the most violating thing, like I'd been stripped bare for everyone to see.

It seemed like I didn't have any option but to crawl back into the shell that took me so long to get out of. Suddenly I didn't want to go anywhere and I didn't want to do anything.

Except cry.

God.

All I wanted to do was fucking cry.

I started wearing oversized shirts to sleep in because all I wanted was to feel like my body was covered. Not only that, I stopped wanting to go out anywhere after the first time someone mentioned the audio in the quick amount of time it took for me to get into the car.

Even being around Niall didn't bring me any comfort like it always had. Instead the last thing I wanted was for him to even touch me — to even look at me.

If it wasn't for me, none of this would have ever happened in the first place.

If Niall had just hired someone else, he wouldn't be dragged down with any of this.

If he had just hired someone else, he would be able to live his life happier than ever.

Not stuck with the girl who pulls away from his warmth at night because she's so disgusted with herself that she can't even think about someone holding her tight, someone protecting her.

Pulling away was pulling us apart.

So fucking far apart.

It's clear in the way we communicate, the way we can't even seem to look each other in the eye, everything just leading to another argument.

Like tonight.

I've never seen Niall look so wasted. So lost.

To hear the person I've fallen so in love with call what we had a mistake, that we should have never even given into what we wanted.

What we needed.

Watching him stumble across the common area of our hotel suite, it took everything in me not to let my tears fall. Hearing both of us say that we ruined each other.

It hurts.

Even though everything is falling apart around me, I miss him.

I miss the man that buys me books.

I miss the man that learned how to make my favorite foods.

I miss the man that never went a day without telling me how much he cared about me.

I'm not stupid though... I know this is just as much my fault as anything else.

As I crawl back into the bed, listening to Niall as he continues to move around the common area, I pull the covers up to my chin and let the tears fall.

Knowing that in the morning, when the sun rises, this room will be empty...

And I'll be gone.

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