PERIPHERY | NH |

FORTY ONE

Niall

Four Months Later

"Next week?"

I nod, my fingers tracing across the woodwork of the table in my hotel room. "Next week."

"Alright, Niall." Dr. Bradford looks at me though the screen before giving me a smile. "Enjoy your time in Scotland!"

Smiling back, I let out a long breath as my screen goes black, taking me back to the login screen of the online portal provided by my therapist.

My therapist.

Those are words I never expected to come from wmy own mouth.

I've never been against therapy — I just never thought it was something I needed.

Until it was something I needed.

Watching my entire life get turned upside down was the biggest eye opening experience.

I lost my sense of trust.

I lost my sense of privacy.

I lost the love of my life.

It felt like in the blink of an eye everything that I held close to me was dead, gone, and buried.

Months have passed since I've seen Hunter or even heard from her, the texts I've sent have gone unanswered. They aren't anything more than two pictures and a quick little sentence or two every time. Always the same.

The front of a book and the back... Followed by why I think she would like it.

That's it.

We've played shows around the world and none of them have felt the same as they did when she was here. With me. Loving me.

I hope that she still does, even though it's a selfish thought.

One thing that was perfectly clear the longer time went by, was that my life could be split into two different things.

Life before Hunter.

Which, don't get me wrong, was fucking incredible. Yet, even with that... Something was always missing.

Hunter.

Now, life after Hunter?

Fuck.

Never in my entire life has the existence of one single person ever grounded me, shown me what it means to actually love, and learn to be exactly who I am all at the same time.

Getting into therapy made me realize all of the things I hadn't ever let myself go through or process. Every single session I was learning how to voice my deepest thoughts and the deepest parts of me were scary — so damn scary.

But you know what?

Even the scary parts are worth looking at.

Those parts that you feel like nobody wants to find? Someone wants to care and nurture them with you because they fucking care.

Do I still dream about Hunter? Yes.

Am I still in love with her? Yes.

All of these are things that I've learned are okay. I've just learned how to process the way that I feel into something healthy and not letting myself fall by the wayside by going out and drinking until I couldn't think anymore or sitting in my hotel room by myself in the dark, ignoring every text and phone call that came my way.

Really... The last straw was when Will came into rehearsal one day with paper in his hands. One look at those papers made me so sick to my stomach that I canceled a show because I was throwing up in the bathroom.