Harry Potter Evil AU

The Headmaster who lived under the stairs

It was a foggy, wet paper napkin of a morning. Everyone in the dining hall honored their British ancestry by drinking tea. Despite the magic advancements everyone had piss yellow teeth. No kid ever brushed in the mornings because toothbrushes were too much of a "mudblood" muggle activity. Kids chatted about the upcoming quittich games because why would they ever talk about anything important like how to do intermediate math.

Dumbledore was feeling really depressed that morning. He watched envious as SNAPE walked by, his ass cheeks clapping glamorously. The tight latex cloak made his round rectum shiny like SpongeBob's shoes.
SNAPE was a harem of a man. Every other male headmaster adored his snarky tone. The way he berated children was something to adore. The way he is so good at walking smoothly, ass cheeks clapping rhythmically, hiding the 3 foot long wand he has up his ass. It doubles as a magic butt plug because despite being so hot, SNAPE had IBS. He couldn't let anyone know.
SNAPE loves bad boys. He loved bad BLTs even more. Maybe that's why he had IBS.

Dumbledore was angry and resentful. He had to coach the afternoon's quittich game, and he wanted to wreak some havoc on the kids to take out his frustration.
"KIDS!!!!" Dumbledore bellowed. Everyone spit out their tea.
"Is he gonna call us slurs again?" One kid blurted.
"SILENCE!!!!!!" Dumbledore screamed, and yelled a discipline silencing spell at the kid
"CRUCIO!" Dumbledores vocal chords tore up from the effort, a spit waterfall cascading out of him mouth.
The kid flew, dropped his tea and started writhing on the floor in pain, foaming at the mouth. The teacup landed on his head and the remaining liquid fell into his mouth, causing him to gurgle.
Every other kid stifled winces. This was not the first time Dumbledore committed felonies. Ever since he started listening to Nicki Minaj his personality changed.
"CHILDREN, I ANNOUNCE THE QINOUA GAMES ARE OFFICIALLY CANCELLED!! NOW GET YOUR BROOMS OUT AND FUCK OFF!!!!! 5....4.....3.....2....1."
After he counted only one kid was left. Dumbledore cursed him with Limpdick.

All alone then, dining room to himself, Dumbledore looked glumly around. He was planning on leaving hogwarts and moving to Lesbos later that day. He was feeling anxious. He needed to de-stress with his favorite sex slave: Dobby.
Dobby came in. Dobbys eyes were puffy and red ever since Dumbledore murdered that slut skank Harry Patter for trashing his office during a manic depression meltdown. He was not sent to Azkaban because everyone else ruled it was a humane execution because Harry suffered from severe PTSD, trauma, and depression, because idk some random guy named Celery spinned a little too hard, and his cousin was mean to him. (DONT LAUGH)

Dumbledore looked down menacingly and said "Are you ready for the time of your life?"
Dobby looked up, quivering, terrified, tears streaming down his face.
"Y-yes master?"
"Great. Get the axes. We're chopping wood. I need to feel masculine."
Dobby sighed with relief. He though way worse was gonna happen.
To be continued (probably not)