Harry Potter Evil AU

The Journey from the stairs to the hall y=mx+b

DUMBLEFORE just finished having wet sex with snape. Snape was a great bottom but we will spare the details. That's gross.
Dumbledore had to take the journey from his room down the stairs to the common room to make his announcement, but it was a difficult walk because he already fed the janitor elves to Hermine. So there were banana peels inexplicably everywhere. That's when SNAPE had the idea. Snape was a bottom in bed but also in life. He let DUMBLEFORE use him as a sled. They slipped and slid and it was very exhilarating, but it was too much force and they accidentally knocked down multiple paintings and murdered the paintings. They killed Jerry the math guy but that was fine because jerry wouldn't shut up about graphs.
They were gonna open the door to the dining room where kids were impatiently waiting but SNAPE was too worried about his attire that was covered in bananas. DUMBLEFORE said, "don't worry daddy" and licked off every piece of rotten banana and ate the peels too. Then they opened the door.
"SILENCE!!!!" They screamed in unison. The kids were startled; a few even dropping from the chandeliers they were swinging from. Some broke their necks, but DUMBLEFORE said to put an ice pack on it. They died.
One kid raised his hand. "Mr. Dumbledore can I please eat them?"
Dumbledore nodded. Snape moaned in the excitement of a student dying. He moaned a little too hard and some shit came out of his white spandex tights. DUMBLEdore pulled down his pants, said "don't worry about it babe" and licked the shit off of his asshole.
While SNAPE was getting his ass licked out, saliva dripping off his thighs and into his socks, he stood like a drill Sargent delivering a speech.
"Kids, we have come to announce that we are permitting the Quittich games again. However, due to the incident last year relating to bombs, only white kids are allowed to play-"
"That's racist!" One kid shouted out.
Snape simply replied, "Racism is sexy." In his monotone voice.
"Thanks for clearing that up, really helps!" Another kid shouted.
"NOW! He screamed. "If you do not stop interrupting me, I will pull a 9/11 on this school, just like HIM." He said, and pointed to a brown skinned kid.
The kid made a disgusted face, scoffed, and held his arms out, confused; but didn't talk back.
"Babe, please knock it off; your saliva is drenching my Weezer socks."
DUMBLEFORE ceased the licking and moaning and got up, pouting. "But your shit tastes so good!"
"Could you please just pull my pants up?" SNAPE asked.
DUMBLEFORE did so; and some kids started giggling and whispering. Then DUMBLEFORE heard and screamed, "I WILL LICK EVERYONES ASS INSIDE OUT TOO IF THEY DONT SHUT UP!"
Multiple kids startled and jumped out of the window. They really did not want an ass licking.
Dumbledore cleared his throat. Snape edged away because it smelled like rotten bananas and human feces.
"As you all know we mentioned, Quittich games are back up, and they will be hosted by a former student. Just do not let him go at all costs, as he is a prisoner in askaban. Any questions? The game is tommorow."
One kid raised her hand.
"Will you let us smoke weed if we have good marks?"
"Ask mcGonnagle, if she hasn't overdosed on crack yet. Anyone else?" DUMBLEFORE was in a really good mood today. He didn't feel like cursing any kids.
"Very well," he concluded. "NOW GET THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW OR ELSE!!!!"
"No! A kid shouted. "Please I don't want Limpdick again!!" He was the first to leave. Everyone else jumped out of the window since all the brooms were being cleaned.

To be continued.