Way of understanding myself

Monologue 1

You lie on the hard mattress. Your body looks pale and lifeless. I know you are asleep but something makes me want to believe you have left this earth a long time ago.
Almost never have I seen a bright smile on your face.
You are not kind to me and I can't stand it. You won't let me get past the limit you defend. At the same time this is exactly what I need. I am not sure what would happen if you'd let me in on this part of yourself. I am a spoilt child that hurts and uses people, fully aware of what it's doing. I feel guilty for never being hurt, unless you do it for me. I never have to fight for attention. It comes towards me. 'You have a bubbly personality' is what they tell me. They like to be around me. They are not aware of the choices I make.
If  I ask you to make a choice I always know what you will do.
Mostly I am right with my assumption. You make me solve your problems but in the end it is always you who dictates my rhythm. I don't like to be bossed around but if it's you, and I didn't learn this by choice, I will gladly accept the choices you make for me.
I will never know you enough and I will never get as close to you as I'd want to, but I will fight as long as you'll let me. The thing I'm most scared of is you pushing me off the safe space you provide for me. I would fall into the dark nothingness and the free fall would not slow  down. I couldn't deal with it. I'm not able to stop it myself. I am dependent on you and yet I provoke the unbearable by not respecting your wishes. Whenever you accidentally let me get close to you, you back out of the situation as if it would scare you. You seem to forget how free you seemed when you didn't notice what was happening.
I'm scared. Scared for me and you. Because you won't let me save you. Because you won't let me get what I desire most. I am so scared of losing you. I would collapse with no means to make it happen where the human gaze won't reach me. I would be exposed. Everyone would see the ugliness that hides behind my even mask. The character, the competence, the intellect, all I built over the years to hide what is not sufficient to be appreciated and loved, would break down and expose my helplessness, the helplessness that is not allowed to ever see light.
I walk up to you. I touch your hair that always was out of my reach, smell the warmth of your skin. My fingertips caress the closed eyelids of yours, wander over to your temples and cheeks to your slightly parted lips.
Like a rhinestone something drops from my eye. My muscles contract. I sink to my knees.
Finally, I am able to expose my weakness to you.
What was strictly prohibited is now allowed. I want to find warmth in myself when I lie in your arms.
You used to tell me that was to close.
My nails sink into the Fabrik of your clothes. I want to keep myself where I am, want to stop the ground from crumbling away underneath my feet. Want to grab the safety you kept away from me.