Way of understanding myself

Monologue 2

When I left you I felt how the air in my chest doubled in size and the Pression had to find it's way out of my eyes. You could have taken notice of it. I'm not sure if you did. You might have, but you might also finally have used the little bit of social ability you have. Have your friends told you to check on me? Why have you been so much nicer to them than you have been to me? Then why in the bloody hell did you spend your time with me instead of them?!
You wouldn't have cared any way. You would have looked at me with empty eyes and shifted uncomfortably. No matter how hard I might have wished for it, you wouldn't have taken me into your arms if no one would have been watching. Is this your way of expressing affection? Hurting people? Your rudeness and stubbornness is what attracted me to you and at the same time it is what was pushing me away. It was the alpha and the omega.
You would spend all your time with me, just to be rude. I told you not to be nice to me but you still did in your own twisted way. In the end you got me wrapped around your finger. What was the use of it? Nothing? You might deny it but you clearly longed for something you found in me. I wonder what it was.
You kept judging me and tried to make your answer to every question the right conclusion. You decided to put yourself first. Was that what you really needed? Someone who is interested in you and listens to your mansplaining all day? Sadly I have to tell you that this was not the case with me. I was someone who listend to your complaints and wishes because they wanted to see how long you would take until you'd follow their lead and be done with the childish talk.
Even if I approached you with those Ideas, you won the fight. I let myself be swayed and wanted to get past the iron wall that is keeping you to far away from me. I decided to try to solve the riddle with your name since I couldn't solve the one I really wanted. I replaced her with you and let you become someone who's calm presence gave me comfort. I allowed myself to let my guard down around you, let the troubles get to me, let exhaustion get to me, allowed myself to lay down next to you in order to satisfy the needs I had. I made you my chamber of escape.
I feel this pulling sensation in my head when I think about the fact that I'll probably never meet you again.
At the same time this is also what gives me the chance to recover from the damage you caused.
If I ever meet you again I might tell you about everything. Hopefully I'll have the guts to.

'Don't bite your lip or grit your the teeth, just count to ten and try to breath, you stupid bitch, can't you see, the perfect one for you is me?'
This sentence sounds nice but it will always be a lie.
I wish it wasn't.
At the same time I feel like it is partially true. You might not want to realize it, but there must have been something about me that attracted you to me. Our competences and character differences balanced each other out. I wonder if I will function well without a second brain that solves my problems in cooperation with mine.
At the same time I realized this would happen sooner or later. I would miss you like hell and wish you'd do the same. I knew you wouldn't, I always did.
But since I'm not fully stupid, I found my way into your life by accompanying you during your daily tasks. Every few times you'll look at the things you bought with me, or those I gave you as a gift, there is a chance you think of me. You might think about how much of a twisted person I am and how much I need someone like you, and you might also think about the fact that you were better off with me or that you're glad I'm gone.
And even if logic speaks for a 'yes', my fears say something else. They keep shouting 'NO!'. The sound they make echoes in my skull and keeps multiplying until the bit of light at the end of the tunnel is gone.
The 'NO!'s keep running through my nerval system and make my body shake as if it was in a hailstorm without any clothing covering it's skin.
The 'NO!'s keep sending alarm signals through my thoughts. There is no way to distinguish reality and imagination. I have no choice but to trust what my analyzing-system spits out on the other end. I cannot verify if every step inside the blackbox was realized correctly.
The 'friend of the strange kid' tag will be lifted from your shoulders. The idea of you and me being package of two will no longer exist. You will be free. You will no longer have a parasite eat out of your system and you will have less to think or worry about.
The day I left was the first time you asked if I was OK. You told me it was nice meeting me even if you always said I was a nuisance. Did you finally realize you were to brutal with me? Did you finally understand that I was more sensitive than you thought. Did you understand how considerate I had to be with you? Where you finally able to detect the truth by yourself? Did it scare you? Is it the reason why you don't answer my messages?
I wonder if I will ever find out.
Am I wasting my youth by overthinking? Why would I, a young successful person, need to make sense out of my life? I honestly don't know, but I know that I can't stop overanalyzing whatever messes me up.
I hope you make the small effort of downloading the app in order to read what I have to say. I hope it helps you to understand me and my actions. I wonder if reading this will make you want to never be in contact with me again. Maybe it is better this way, but at the same time I know it is not. The ideal way for me would be to settle this together and being given a provisional key to open the lock that closes the door in your iron wall.