Way of understanding myself

Monologue (sometimes almost poem) based on a true story

"You should be less kind to me. You should be treating me like dirt. Because I am. I don't want to feel guilty for using a soul as kind as yours. "
"I don't care. I will do it anyway."

You don't know it yet, but I do.
I will miss you.
You knew what was going on in my life but you were not able to see what you did to me, you were not able to see how attached I'd get to you.
My dear friend, I know you wouldn't call me one of yours.
You don't know it yet, but you fill the void in my heart.
You have the qualities I lack, you have the qualities she has.
You make me fight for your presence, you make me wish I could stay with you for the next year or two until the wounds she caused in my heart will be patched up with bandaids.
You make me wish I could stay with you until the pain is gone.
The flesh underneath the bandaids will slowly connect until it seems like it is one mass with white lines on its surface.
The scars will fade away over time, but the whole construct will always be weaker than before the accident.
You are my painkillers.
You make the damage bearable.
You don't hurt my body as much as alcohol or cigarettes would, but you hurt my mind one-hundred times worse.
The pain gives me something to feel.
The numbness leaves my thoughts and brown noise fills my ears instead of the overwhelming silence.
The emptiness is being replaced by a slightly uncomfortable tingling sensation inside my spine.
I can sit in total darkness and my thoughts won't try to grip what's nonexistent.
They will be directed towards you.

I can't solve the problem right now so I just push the thoughts aside and hope a solution will fly towards me to end the suffering.
I know it won't happen, but I have to stop thinking about it.
I want to stay with you, even if I have to fight for it.
I want to keep using you, but I see the withdrawal symptoms roll towards me like a tsunami.
I want to meet up again as soon as I can.
I want to travel the world with you.
I want to give up on myself, keep you with me and make pain bearable.
I will follow every single words you say.
I will keep the music locked up inside my head.
I will keep my mouth shut to make you keep your calm.
I will let you guide me around, or I will take the lead if you want me to.
God damn, just let me keep using the drug I got addicted to.
I cannot go a single day without you.
There is no rehab for me.
You give me all the dopamine I need.
You replaced my previous addiction.
But now it is you who controls my happiness.
You are unreachable.
I might run around the world to find you, but I will never have you, I will never be able to fully win you over.
I have no way to convince you that staying close to me is good for you.
I also don't have a way to keep you close to me by force.
I want to pretend I love you, want to replace her with you.
I want to fight for the smile to return to your face.
I want to learn how it feels to be let in through the iron wall you built around soul.
But what frustrates me most is that you won't miss me when I'm gone.
My absence will open new doors for you.
The people around you won't think of the 'friend of the strange kid' as you.
You will be free.
You won't miss me and I know it.
You won't suffer.
You won't complain.
You won't care.
There is no decision to make.
You are fine.
You got friends.
You read them.
The people you break.

You keep telling me how inconvenient my presence is to you and yet you choose to spend your time with me. You're close to yelling at me and minutes later you give me sincere advice. You try to convince me to do what is best for me. You try to tell me how living life freely is better for me than to lock myself up in my mind controlled by a school report. You tell me to skip classes in order to live my life and to smoke weed instead of being scared of it. Shortly said. You confuse me.
When I lay down on the bench you sit on you tell me your not uncomfortable but at the same time you tell me to move away when I get to close to you.
I am a mess. I never know how to deal with what you say and what you signalize. You confuse me, you irritate me, you make me fight. That's what makes you special in my eyes. It is enriching and refreshing. You are not the same as everyone else. You question everything and have your logical reasons for it. You know you can bring up any topic with me and I will give you an answer. That's why you like to do it at the most unexpected times.

I hope you understand this the right way.

I call you 'my dear friend' and I hope, one day you do it to.