Consistent, Inconsistent Mind

- icy rain -

Trigger Warning:

Hi everyone! Hope you are doing well :)

This is a poem I wrote for my grandmother who has been going through a difficult period in her life, emotionally, mentally and physically. I hope that it can maybe reach someone else too. That is to say, this poem acknowledges certain elements of depression, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, prescriptions, and fear. If you find that any of these subjects could be potentially triggering, I encourage you not to continue reading. Wherever you are along your journey, you are not alone, you are strong, you're courageous and you can get through this.

Lots of love,
// Theo

- 𝕚𝕔𝕪 𝕣𝕒𝕚𝕟 -

fear of what you can't control

fear of the uncertainty that comes with the unknown.

cortisol, the venom so potent as it spreads through veins.

immobility,

The feeling of no matter how many prescriptions exist within the rims of the bathroom cabinet.

no t-cells, no hormones can fight the pathogens that stand in their way.

where the world feels like an unstable bridge, one more step could mean heaven or the pits of pitch blackness.

but...

if you never take that step,

you will never know if you could have made it to the other side.

"But if you never do the bold stroke... you'll never know if you could've had a great painting".

Maybe it's simpler than just crossing it.

no formula, no math equation, no recipe.

no instruction manual, guide, tutorial, referee.

Those epiphanies which crush any hope that was left.

but...

just like the bridge, there is no one single way to cross it.

Maybe no right or wrong way.

Maybe just YOUR way.

Maybe that's what makes it beautiful and powerful.

Fear. Anxiety. Panic.

instincts, voices, telling you that if you take that chance, if you make that shot, if you cross that border, that you will know nothing more than black holes.

You know what

thank you voice :)

thank you.

thank you for looking out for me,

checking in with me about the possibilities that can occur.

I know that you care.

I know that you want what's best for me.

But just like certain decisions, and certain pieces of advice, they are not always right.

I know that right now I feel down and out, worthless and lout,

I know that I will fall sometimes.

And I know that I will be wrong sometimes.

But I know that I'm not those things I say to myself that I am. Not those things you tell me that I am.

You know what else I know.

I am going to try my best.

I'm going to do what I can.

And I know that I won't be there to do it alone.

That is my hope.

I don't know much, but this much I do.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read :) It truly means a lot to me :)

I would love to hear your thoughts, feelings and feedback :)