They Don't See Me

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Through a lot, Caspian held it together.

Being alone. His attempted murder. He was brave.

His first few real battles- war. He never showed fear. He was uncertain, lost it a few times, didn't think, but he managed to push through. He held together, still.

He knew he could be king, but he was terrified. Didn't want to be.

He remained strong. Watched all his friends' leave, didn't break when Susan kissed him, and then disappeared.

Somehow.

It was all too much, too fast.

But, if Caspian could do anything well, it was stay strong, keep going no matter what happened- and so he did.

It was done now. They were gone. He was king. Miraz was dead. Caspian had won. Freed Narnia, rightfully secured his throne and saved most of the Narnians.

Everything was right- and he would fix all the things his people had destroyed in time. That was victory.

But, it was night now.

Everyone in the kingdom was asleep- everyone except Caspian. He'd barely made it up the stairs into the first room he'd come to.

Shutting the door quietly, he collapsed, silent tears furiously falling down his face, though unbidden. He sat on the floor of what had been his uncle's bedroom, now an empty room, all of his emotions seeming to catch up to him all at once.

A suffocating explosion.

None of those things made him feel any better, even though it was all good. None of it brought back his mother.

His father.

His friends.

None of it helped his life, yet he had to keep going for everyone else.

It was as if every awful thing had to happen to him, had to test him. He always survived.

Caspian wasn't sure that he ever necessarily learned anything or ever got stronger, but people said that was the point of bad things; to teach.

He wasn't sure he knew how to do this- be a good leader. Kings were strong, Miraz had said.

Caspian was not strong.

Caspian was fifteen. He was scared, he was angry.

He was still alone.

But he was also a king. He knew the people would look to him now, and he wanted to be there as a good leader.

A good king.

He just wondered when it was his turn to need. To not be okay, to let someone else lead him. To be held instead of holding.

To the world, King Caspian X was victorious; brave. Good and strong. Was perfect.

And so he would be.

But King Caspian was also just Caspian.

An orphan.

A child, still wanting a father.

Still a person with the same feelings as anyone else- though he would always be different.

Loneliness was an empty ache, and it followed him around. Right now, seemed to swallow him.

As the sun finally peeked through the window, Caspian forced himself to stand.

When he shut the door, he left inside the broken pieces of himself.

Shut them away, locked in tight.

He walked away from that room a king.

The only way he would ever be seen.

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