Bear Naked 4: The Sons of Garm

Chapter 20

"I don't get it," Jay groused. He was still sitting in his stone boat, this latest vision just another fragment of Ehva's life, whoever she was.

Johann watched him but didn't speak. They were alone today, Johann drumming while Jay vision quested. Courtney and Sofia were doing "women's work;" building a new chicken coop up by the house.

"You guys really don't get out much," Jay had giggled at Courtney. It was an old, inside joke but Jay appreciated it all the same. Courtney would frequently declared the most outrageous chore "women's work."

He knew gender stereotypes were dumb, misguided things. That was a big part of the problem. If he actually believed in the stereotypes he could just decide that he fit the female stereotype, come out as transgender and be done with it.

But he knew women could be masculine, fierce and strong. He knew men could be caring, nurturing and gentle. None of that answered what he should be be.

"Ehva," Jay said to Johann. "Lottha. Who are they? Past lives? Spirit guides? Parts of myself? Just some story I made up in my head?" He looked up at his mentor.

Johann drew a breath.

Jay pointed his finger. "Don't you dare just say yes and stop there."

"Yes," Johann said, smiling.

"Damn it, I want an answer," Jay protested. "What does it all mean?"

Johann shrugged. "It's just a story."

"It's not a past life?"

"That's one story."

"Spirit guides?"

"Another story."

"I see where this is going. It's all just stories. I just need to figure out which one to believe."

"No."

"No?" Jay froze staring at Johann.

Johann had wild intense eyes suddenly, staring back at him. "Who is Jay Toumi?"

Jay was shaking all over. "I don't know," he whined.

"Another story."

"Then who am I?" Jay protested.

"The one who tells the story." With that Johann turned and started walking away.

"Wait!" Jay protested. "What does that mean? What am I supposed to do with my life?"

Johan turned and grin. "Wrong question." He turned and kept walking.

He was nearly out of sight when Jay yelled out again. "Hey, hey. What story am I supposed to tell?"

He could see Johann's grin even at this distance. "Better question."

Johann disappeared. Jay turned and sat on the ground. Thinking about the storyteller and the story was making his head hurt. He longed to shed his clothes and slide into the stream in otter form. Maybe he'd swim away, go join Ghost in his lonely travels. He wasn't plagued by these doubts in otter form. Why not? He was the same person in otter form. But I am telling a different story.

He found Johan on the porch, whittling. He looked up as Jay appeared.

"There are MRI studies," Jay said. "Did you know that? Studies of the brains of transgender people, showing they are different."

"Another story," Johann said.

"You don't believe? You don't think its a real thing?"

"I didn't say that," Johann replied. "Science has discovered some amazing things. It's a path to the truth. Others are fools not to see that. But there are things science can't tell you. Let me ask you this, if there was no science, no MRI studies, would you still feel this way?"

"Yes," Jay muttered.

"And there you have it. Your life is a story. You are telling it. Only you get to dictate what story you want to tell. And when you find the right story, everything else will fall in place."

Jay turned away, grasping one of the beams of the porch for support. He stared at the pool, something breaking loose inside his chest. He thought of Ehva. "I think there was a young girl once who thought she had to be a boy, or the world would do terrible things to her." Tears threatened and Jay felt disconnected as if outside of himself.

He felt Johann's hand on his shoulder. "Sounds like you've found a powerful story. Will she stay a boy forever?"

Jay's lips trembled. "No," Jay answered in a whisper. "I won't."