TW: SA
He pushes my head down into the mattress.
My words get caught in my throat and
No tumbles from my parted lips,
Like a last resort.
But no doesn't always make things stop.
No is a maybe.
No is a yes.
No is a keep going.
No is a nervous giggle.
No is never no,
When the person hearing it is blind to way your body contorts away from them and flinches like acid is on your skin when they touch you.
This is an invasion.
I cry into the pillow.
Counting in my head,
These minutes feel like hours.
My body shakes like my soul is trying to escape.
I feel trapped.
So I start to think about things that will distract me,
I start to think about dinner
I start to think about,
When will this will be over...
I stay quiet.
My no may be ignored but i know if I'm quiet he will finish faster.
Do I want steak or chicken?
Will I ever be able to sleep again in this bed?
On this pillow?
Where my autonomy was taken from me.
Where my trust was laid to rest.
Will my body ever be my body again?
Will my soul ever be cleansed?
I feel his life inside of me while mines is ending.
I say to myself, was it worth it?
To take something that was meant to be beautiful,
And turn into a weapon.
Into something ugly.
Because you coveted something that was never yours to begin with.
To take away my consent and Turn it into baggage I will carry around,
Like a purse,
For the rest of my life.
That therapy will be my on and off again friend.
The one I try to revisit year after year,
because I am afraid to be touched.
I am repulsed by sincerity because it feels like false security,
And I won't be fooled again.
I start to wear my happiness like armor,
So no one will see the damaged girl inside.
I let my mouth be a river of positivity,
So it will drown out what you have put inside it.
I won't be a victim.
I don't know what else to be,
But I won't be a victim.
My pleas went unanswered but I will use my voice and my words,
As a beacon for hope.
My words will heal me.
I will not be silenced again.
-Zuhle
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• Tacenda • >> Poetry
Poesía"Tacenda-things better left unsaid; Matters to be passed over in silence." My Poetry ✨ And all the things I've left unsaid put into a collection of poetry and thoughts.
