Fleur-de-lis

My time has come to burn: Side A

John's p.o.v

I sit up in bed, still awake even though I had work in in a few hours. I was about halfway through the joint I was smoking but not even weed seemed to help much anymore. I look at the lit spliff. It was kind of funny to think about how I was a good Christian boy who'd never touch Marijuana not all that long ago but now the thought seemed ridiculous. Logan introduced me to it, and to a guy who sold it not long after. It helped at first but now it was just another thing that could barely put a dent into the mountain of emptiness I felt inside. I blow out a ring of smoke. I'd gotten a little too good at that. Once upon a time I would've looked down on people who could perform that little trick. I thought it was something only a devoted stoner would learn to do. I was pretty naive back then...but that was before Van. I was a lot of things before Van. It's been over three years now since I've last seen or heard from him. The pain on his face the day we went our separate ways says burned onto my memory.

Both bodies lying in bed with me stir a bit. A man and a woman, a bisexual couple looking to experiment with open relationships and polyamory. I caught their eye during one of my nightly club visits and the idea seemed fun at the time. I wasn't entirely wrong. I was giving them both the ride of their lives not long ago but somehow I couldn't even remember their names. When did it become so difficult for me to connect with other people. The only people I felt any connection with anymore were Luka, Grace and Logan...but Luka and Grace were trying to Starr a suburban nuclear family together an in the process some distance got put between us so soon it might be just be Logan and I.

I slip from between my two guests and get out of bed, not really bothering with clothes in my own home. I go to the kitchen and grab whatever from the alcohol cabinet and fix myself a drink. The weed wasn't enough to dull the pain and I needed sleep. Hopefully throwing alcohol into the mix would be enough to fix that issue. I stare out my glass view at the dark city below. It all seemed so...alive. everyone down there was just living their lives. I wanted to feel alive again too.

My focus shifts and the glare of the apartment lights causes the glass to display a semi-transparent reflection my home and I find myself looking at my reflection. I hated my reflection. It was just a void mirroring a void, making me feel twice as empty. I turn out the lights to avoid having to look at it. I finish my drink and head back to bed.