Cardan and Jude

The Truth (And Losing Trust)

Heather comes round for the first time in months within the same week; it's like nothing has changed as soon as she steps through the door. Vivi is exceedingly happy and it's delightful to see. I'm so glad things are turning better for her. Heather's hair is an even brighter pink than before and she comes bearing gifts for Oak; consisting of chocolate, more stuffed toys and a neon green tractor that makes noises. He spends at least two hours sat in his room, pressing the buttons over and over again. He's also overjoyed when Vivi and Heather go to the diner across town for a date and I let him leave the house to go meet with Thomas at their creek.

'You're being fun!' He exclaims, throwing his arms around my neck. I kiss his cheek and zip his coat up before watching him sprint down the street to hug Thomas hard. It's very sweet. I watch them disappear into the distance before going back inside to make myself lunch. I used Vivi's mobile phone to look up recipes for grilled cheese - I can remember having it in Faerie but usually they used goats cheese and it was never the same as when my mother made it; though that too is just a vague memory. 

It comes out the grill bubbly and piping hot. I blow on it to cool it down and sit at the kitchen island reading a book from the shelf in the hall. It's a romance novel about a lovely young woman working as a maid in a well-off man's manor. Something similar to the books in Faerie I suppose. They were always lustful tales of tragedy and deep betrayal, mirroring the reality of life there. I don't miss it. Life here is simple and pleasurable - I do my work in the evenings, sleep in the mornings and train in the back garden during the afternoons. I finish my grilled cheese swiftly, fold the page of my book and decide to do some cleaning as it's usually Vivi's job; I'll do something nice for her for when she gets back. 

I start with her room first, neatening up the clothes in her chest of drawers. She's managed to find a style that would also not be uncommon to see in Faerie - lots of greens, browns and blacks that complement the shades of her hair and eyes. I admire them whilst folding and putting them back. I pick up the dirty ones off her floor and pop them in the bright red basket we use for washing days - I sort through her bookshelf and order them alphabetically and water the little potted succulents and cacti she has dotted over her room before moving on to her bedsheets. I tackle her mattress cover first and then move onto the pillows, shaking them out of their sleeves. In her second one, a collection of envelopes flutter to the ground. I tut and stoop to pick them up. What a silly place to put them, and what even are they? Bills? I think nothing of it initially and then I notice their intended recipient. 

Dearest Jude

Written in the swoops and curves of my husband. 

My heartbeat picks up immediately as I tear off their wax seals, looking for the writing that would confirm my fears. Cardan's been trying to contact me for months.

'My darling,'

'Your absence is like a constant ache,'

'With deepest devotion'

'I need you,'

'I miss the way you hold me,'

'forever yours, sweet Jude,'

'I love you deeply,' 

I slump to the floor, the letters spewing from my hands and falling in neat arcs around me. Slow tears drip down my cheeks, falling into my lap and wetting my skirt. I don't even know how to feel. All that hurt and pain I've been blocking for months, discouraged by my vain attempts to move on and accept that this is my home, break through my psychological dam like a hot knife through butter. My shoulders begin to shudder with tears I have not wept for the longest time, heavy with the knowledge that what's worst of all is that my sister kept these from me. My selfish, selfish sister stopped me from saving Faerie, from saving the stupid manipulative man I love. The last letter is not dated; I don't know how long it's been, whether there's still time for me to jump in and rescue whoever needs rescuing. To think Cardan was so close for so long, home was so close for so long. And I missed my chance. Fury wells up inside me, so red and enflamed that I feel as though a dagger to the stomach couldn't phase me. Fury at my sister, at Cardan for his trick within a trick (though I know not what it could be), at Queen Orlagh and Balekin, at Faerie as a country.