ENDLESS TEARS

WHERE IS MY SON 🤧

🌻🌻🌻
                        

🍭🍭🍭🍭🍭.
Pain was the only word I knew. Pain! That throbbing feeling
that spreads through the body, soul and spirit until you can‟t think
about anything other than pain. I squirmed, screamed, pushed and
pushed until my lower body felt like it was on fire. The word „Push‟
was repeated over and over again until the word became permanently stamped in my head. I screamed in extreme pain and tears rolled down from my eyes as I gripped the sheets on the bed. I
bit down on my lips to stop myself from screaming helplessly in pain but it was not enough to prevent my unconscious exclamations.
Then, the pain subsided and vanished altogether. Complete silence reigned. Even the ticking of my heartbeat was silenced and I could hear nothing at all. It was a complete contrast to the noise and screams that reigned barely seconds ago. Surprisingly, the silence was more scary than the noise. I wanted that noise again. It was like everyone had vanished from the earth and I was left all alone. I don‟t want to be alone! I don‟t want to be left all by myself! But then, I remembered. I have always been alone! The people who wanted me did not belong to me, yet, the people I belonged to did not want me.
What a dilemma. How could a person want to return to that? How can I even want to return to that?
But I am a fighter, I don‟t give up. I have things to prove to myself and the people who rejected and abused me. That alone is a reason to live.

I felt a hand brush shakily against my cheeks. The soft caress almost made me sigh but then, as I slipped back to a conscious state, I felt that overwhelming pain again. It was not as worse as I last remembered, but it was there nonetheless. I opened my eyes slowly and felt a form looming over me. I raised my eyes and caught
      Kelvin‟s extremely worried look. As our eyes held, relief washed over him but his worried look was still there. “Hey” he whispered
with a soft smile. He bent over and kissed my forehead, lingering longer than he ought. He sat carefully at the edge of the bed and I
noticed his heavy eyes which showed that he hadn‟t slept for a while.
My hand felt weak but I raised it to his face.
“You shouldn‟t be so worried about me” I croaked out weakly.
He smiled and kissed the inside of my palm. “I can‟t help myself honey” he said softly. “How are you feeling?”
Truthfully, I wasn‟t feeling anything but pain, but how could I tell him that when he was so worried about me. “I am fine” I said.
His eyes flashed with something I could not recognize and he bent to kiss my cheeks. “I really want you to be fine sweetheart” he
whispered. “Be fine for me” he scent enveloped my senses. That scent that was always clinging to him.

I noticed something different about me, and then stiffened.
“Kel, where is my baby?” I asked and he froze.
“Fine. Your baby is fine” he answered hurriedly.
I stiffened. “You are a poor liar Kelvin, where is my baby?”
Fear gripped me as I saw Kelvin struggle. Raising my voice was causing incredible pains but I endured it. “Where is my son Kelvin? I know he is a boy. Where is he?” I cried, trying to sit up, to look
around.
“Calm down Ara. Please…” he forced me on my back. “Lie still Ara, please. You are not strong enough”. He pressed a bell closed to my bed, using one hand to keep me glued to the bed.
I tried to relax. “I am calm now Kelvin, tell me where my child is. I need to see him” I begged.
“You need to get better first, then I would take you honey, please” he begged.
“Something is wrong, right? Something is wrong with him?” I asked with pale face.
The doctor and two nurses entered then and Kelvin moved away. I was held down firmly by the nurses and I saw the doctor holding an injection. I turned my eyes to the nurses. “Please tell me
where my baby is… my baby boy… please tell me…”
“He is fine ma. Please calm down” one nurse said and then, I felt the piercing pain of the injection. My eyes became fuzzy and I blinked as my eye lids closed of their own volition. Before I passed
into the state of unconsciousness, I caught Kelvin‟s pained expression and got my answer.

Kelvin held onto my hand tightly and I gazed up at him. “I told you I can walk on my own” I murmured. I was already discharged and free to go home but how can I feel happy about going home when I wasn‟t carrying a child with me. Stillbirth!!! The word rang over and over and I steeled myself against crying. I have cried enough tears to last a lifetime. Tina and Tola had visited, trying to
encourage me by making me see the positive side of the situation but I still felt shattered. Even though my child was a product of an abominable act, I still wanted him, because, at least, I would know that I have something or someone who was truly mine. I would know that I have my child to encourage me, but then, I have to face
the harsh realities of knowing that I am always alone. Kelvin‟s hand tightened and I smiled. At least, there is someone who would not leave me; or some people, I thought, thinking of Tola and Tina.

T.B.C