She's Not Cinderella

8: fergie was wrong

Chapter 8 "fergie was wrong"

"I hope you know, I hope you know That this has nothing to do with you" me and screamed at the top of our lungs through the house as ash recorded on their phone,
"Sing it girls" they screamed towards us swaying with the song as i picked up a wooden spoon you would use to cook with
"But I've got to get a move on with my life. It's time to be a big girl now And big girls don't cry. Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry" we sang as I pointed to the camera "don't cry" I said off tune as Ash started to laugh.
"Yall are crazy" they said shoving their phone back in their pocket
"We bring the humor back into the house babe" crystal said grabbing the spoon from my hand to stir the food
"What would you do without us" i smiled sitting down at the island "food almost ready"
"Yeah, oh anna so i was coming home yesterday and i saw that kid you been talking too walking home" crystal said stirring the food
"Oh cool i dont talk to him anymore but cool" i smile
"Wair what happen didn't you have big plans with him at axel party, that's what rose was telling me" she asked giving the spoon to ash so they can stir the food
"Uh well it went south and he kind of said i was too fat to date and left me in a room alone"
"No he fucking didnt" ash scream almost dropping the spoon on the floor
"Why didn't you tell us sooner"
"I don't know cry it's been a while i kind of just let it go"
"Let it go" ash questioned
"Yeah you know i mean i heard worse so like its fine"
"Heard worse from who" crystal said sitting next to me
"Well uh i grew up as a chubby kid in a world made for skinny people i hard a lot of shit from a lot of people, i guess i grew the skin for it"
"I guess i can see what your saying" ash said
"I don't, I didn't know people were bullying you" Crystal said grabbing my thigh to comfort me.

"I mean it all started in middle school cassie and the other girls in my gym class started to poke their skinny little fingers at me when i would get change in the locker room, then it got worse uh remember the day you cause my skipping and i told you it's because i got my period and went home cause i bled through everything"
"Yeah"
"Well i lied, uh well the girls took a photo of me changing and posted it on our school gossip instagram, and it was going around and when i walked back to my locker to grab something for class someone printed out the photo and put in my locker with some mean words  on the back i don't remember what they were but they were harsh, i threw the photo away in the garage and ran home through so red nail polish on the these pants i hated so when you came on i can just say i got my period" i said ash turned off the stove and joined us at the island.
"Anna that's harassment we could've gotten the school involved an those girls would of gotten in trouble for that" crystal said
"And for what a two day suspension then they would of came back angry and probably tried to kill me, i just let it go and started changing in the bathroom or i made rose write me a doctors note so i wouldn't have to go back into gym" i shrug getting up walking to the fridge
"Why are you being so weird and calm about this" crystal asked

"Cause its my life cry" i laughed "growing up chubby you got the stares from other people wondering what happened to her to make her look like that, you are always told by everyone about a good diet you can go on, then the best one is 'your pretty for a chubby girl' that one is always good cause i think i heard this in a fucking tiktok but its was like 'i didnt say i was ugly i said i was chubby' something like that" i smile as they both blankly stare at me "i know i sound crazy and trust me i spent to many nights crying about this but it became apart of my life and im not happy about it and i wish it wasnt true but sadly it is and people are out there with these big platrforms making a difference for other chubby girls around the fucking world and its gonna be great but right now we are living in history just like the rest of us" i smile grabbing a bowl and taking from the pasta from the bowl on the stove "now if you dont mind ill go eat this in my room" i smile going to my room.

We all had our mental illness triggers, my happens to be thinking. And we the talk with crystal and ash ive been thinking, people must think im fucking crazy for thinking it was okau getting bullied.
I pick up a blue book from the dresser
'Anna diary'
Writing across the top, I want to write here forever mostly because I'm always scared to look through too many past memoirs that are too scary to even talk about out loud to a therapist. I open the book and the first day looks back at me february- 3- 2018.
"I was fucking thirteen" i said outloud, i was a sad fucking bitch at thirteen. I laughed to myself as I flipped through the pages. Skimming through the pages as i found
"Apirl twenty fifth twenty eighteen oh this gotta be good, dear diary, cassie is so mean im really dont with her and this fucking school , oh lord she said the f word, cassie and i share a class and she was running her stupid mouth about something and turned me and just fucking said 'shut your fat ass up or leave' like she was going to fight me or something', i was just sitting in class minding my own business, well she got the whole class laughing when she said that and the teacher did nothing to fucking help me and just said she was going to talk to cassie after class. But she didnt whats fucking new. Those teachers never did have my back when it came down the bullying they kind of just looked the other way"
The rest of the night i curled up on my bed reading, reading all the hate i had for people, i was angry with the world i was angry with myself i was said mostly, i did realize i was sad until i felt the heat of my tear roll off my cheek then i realized i was crying, i got up from my bed and took off my shirt started looking at my body. She had her layers, my stomach stuck out more than my friends, more than ash or when Crystal wasnt pregnant. I had a fupa. I had different color stretch marks around my stomach. I touched my stomach. I had rolls that would plunge out when I would sit down. I had back rolls and side rolls and rolls under my armpit. I had curves but not kim kardashian curves, I never thought that badly of myself but I knew my body wasn't what society wants. I was plus size, I had a stomach, I had an ass but not like the kardashians. My arms were big and my thighs were big. I was around five four so I was shortish which made me look a little bit bigger but I never thought of how I looked to be a problem.  I was never going to look like Kim Kardashian or the skinny girls I hung up on my wall.  My thighs were big, my arms were big, I had scratch marks on the inside of my arms by my armpit. I wiped the tears coming from my eyes and sat on my bed.
Picking up my phone. Going to Jackson contact,  hit the phone.
It rang
"Hello" he sounded groggy
"Hey did i wake you"
"No i had to get up soon anyway everything okay you never call me"
"Uh i just wanted to hear your voice" i smiled
"Weird are you dying should i call rose"
"No im sorry im bothering you i'll just call rose"
"No anna its fine im just confused i guess" i can hear cassie voice in the background
"Oh oh it's a bad time i'll go" i hang up before he can even respond and put my phone on dnd so he doesn't try and call again.

" 'i have this reputation to hold and it can't be ruined by being seen with you'" i mimik in my head agin "im still fucking confused on what the fuck that even meant." i grabbing a sweater and my shoes i walkout of my room grabbing my headphones and putting them on a putting my music on shuffle as i walk out of the house.
I don't even know what he means by that, like you ruined your own shit when you get witht he girls who people go around called sluts or some shit like that. People saw me crazy when I told them I was hanging out with you, because you're a bad person. You made the people around you feel like shit, you made me feel like shit. I heard the shit you say about girls in the locker room when we were in school. In fact, I even thought dating you was crazy. I thought you were this good guy and this fun loving man. I thought you were Jackson really, I guess no one can make me feel like how Jackson did, he made me feel like my weight or how I looked or presented myself was a problem.
I mean i always knew i looked different from the other girls and people but when being with jackson he made those go away he made me happy, and i miss him so fucking much.
Before I can even process my feelings I realize I'm in front of my Jackson house and he is sitting on his porch.
"I fucking called you forteen times anna" he said i pushed my headphones off my head
"I'm sorry i-" he cut me off
"No you cant just fucking call me say you needed to hear my voice then hang up" he looked mad "then put yourself on do not disturb so i cant call you back, then show up on my doorstep like its nothing" he screamed
"Im sorry i didnt even mean to end up here i was just going on a mental health walk and ended up here"
"Anna i get it but you haven't talked to me since th party, i don't remember what even happen but i heard you stopped talking to cole and all i remember is that i should be hating the man"
"I- jackson it's hard to explain and i don't wanna do this talk again" i sat next to him on the stairs
"Can i get a summary of it"
"Cole doesn't wanna date me because i'm fat"
"No fucking way"
"Yeah we had this talk already jackson i don't-"
"I know i know i'll try and refresh my memory" he stared into the street
"Think of it yet" i laughed he shook his head making a face like he pushing a poop out "ph gof your gonna shit yourself" i laughed
"Yeah i gotta be careful" he smiled towards me i started laughing "why don't you just say the words you said when i saw you at the spot, maybe that will jot my memory" he smiled i nodded and thought of that night "okay well he said to me that his reputation will be ruined if we started seeing each other"
"That was it" he said
"Yeah"
"No big long speech"
"Well i mean he added that he was a athlete and he had a body of a god and don't"
"Why does that matter thought your beautiful"
"Thank you jackson" i smile
"And if your having your mental health walk because he is bothering you dont let him get to you, your beautiful no matter what" he smiled shoving you "and that fucker wanted to get in your pants since i started dating you, so maybe you scared him or something" he laughed
"Really"
"Yeah your very scary women"
"No fucking idoit he wanted to get in my pants"
"Oh yeah shit ask rose she knows eveything"
"Rose knows that cole wanted to get in my pants"
"Yeah cole walked into our job and was talking about him hanging out with you one night and how it was then night"
"And she didn't tell me, what night was it"
"The night before the party"
"When he kissed me"
"He kissed you" jackson jaw dropped
"Yeah it was alright nothing happen though it was like a quick make out i guess"
"Then yeah that night maybe she didn't tell you because something happened" he shurged "doesn't matter now your done with him right?"
"Yeah fuck that guy"
"Fuck yeah fuck that fucking guy"
"Okay too many fucks in that sentence calm down" i smile patting him back. "So you and cassie"
"No"
"What we can talk about me and cole but when you and cassie get mentioned its a problem"
"Well it's different i feel weird i cheated on you with cassie its weird"
"Jackson our whole friendship is weird just tell me and you and cassie"
"Fine, it's just sex there, nothing crazy. She has her life . She is going around the world for modeling agencies and when she comes home and is lonely she would come over. We would , you know,  do it, and then she would leave. Nothing crazy im not in love or dyiing to be with her, she a escape form the stress of shit but i dont use her as a fucking coping method"
"Just sex"
"Yeah just sex, why you miss me that much you dying to be back with me" he laughed i shook my head
"Oh you wish baby boy" i smile placing my head on his shoulder
"Do you miss me anna"
"All the fucking time, but i also secretly hate your guts"
"Understable"
"Jackson we were our first loves we are going to still care for each other and miss each other and wonder what the other are doing because we cared that much for each other, but should be together no"
He grabbed my chin and made me face him
"I love you" he smiled
"I love you too"
Before I knew it he kissed me.