All Too Well || Caswen

IX. I Think I Kinda, You Know

It's just three little words, yeah, it's not a big deal

It's not like I can help feelin' all that I feel

And by now, I'm sure you're thinking it's so obvious

But just in case it's not, what I'm sayin' is this

Ricky was, to be frank, doomed.

Sure, thanks to EJ, his dad never suspected he'd done anything unlawful at the party.

On the other hand, though, drunk-Ricky had taken it upon himself to have a text conversation with Nini that sober-Ricky now had to deal with.

And that was how he found himself sitting cross-legged next to Nini on her bed later that day.

"You ready to talk?" she gently prodded.

Ricky let out a heavy sigh. "Does it matter?"

"Of course it does."

He could still turn back—drop the subject and never bring it up again. It had worked out fine for the past four years, after all.

Then again, maybe it actually hadn't, seeing as he was stuck having this conversation now.

"I'm ready."

Nini smiled. "So..."

"So," Ricky echoed right back. On second thought, maybe this conversation could wait a little longer.

"You texted me."

No turning back now. "Yep."

"While you were drunk." She spoke slowly, seemingly testing the water between them.

"Mhm."

"You said some things."

"I did."

"Ricky." She looked at him in exasperation. "If you aren't ready, we don't have to talk about this, but if you want to have this conversation, I need you to work with me."

He almost wished for some more liquid courage, but reminded himself that that was what got him into this mess in the first place. He took a deep inhale, trying to gather his strength. "It's true, what I said. I—I think I..." he trailed off. Why was it so hard to just say it?

Nini gave his hand a comforting squeeze. "Why don't you start at the beginning? You mentioned the person you sang your song about a few weeks ago. Your first kiss?"

"You remember the summer back in seventh grade? When you went on that trip?"

"Yes."

"I think I fell in love."

"What was he like?" One little word. One word made all the difference.

"Perfect." Ricky thought back to those summer days when everything was good. "He stood up for me when you weren't there. He was like a best friend, and yet so much more. He made me feel more alive than I ever have."

It felt like a weight off his chest to say it out loud. He'd been keeping those days a secret for four years and now they were finally out in the open.

"It didn't end well. I shoved it deep down and tried to forget. When we got to high school, everyone was telling us that you and I would make such a great couple." People had assumed they were dating since they started at East High. At some point, Ricky started to internalize it all himself. "I asked you out because that's what guys do with the girls they love—and I did love you."

He had kicked himself for so long because he couldn't bring himself to say those three words to her. He had no clue as to why until recently. He didn't know until last night.

"But I didn't love you the way that guys love their girlfriends. I've only really loved one person like that. I'm sorry."

Ricky moved over to give her some space. He wouldn't blame her for hating him after that.

"Look at me, Ricky." Nini's voice was stern. He dared to face her once more but found nothing but care in her eyes. "Don't you ever apologize for that, okay? You don't get to control who you love."

He sniffled and felt tears start to well in his eyes. She pulled him in for a tight hug. What did he do to deserve the greatest best friend in the world?

"I think I'm gay." It was so strange to actually say the word.

"Thank you for trusting me with that."

Ricky let out a sigh of relief. "Did I ever tell you you're the greatest friend anyone could ask for?"

Nini chuckled. "Last night, actually. After telling me all about how you 'kissed a boy and liked it.' "

He groaned and buried his face in his hands. "Remind me never to drink again."

"So, you wanna tell me who your lover boy is?" She gave him a playful nudge

"You wouldn't believe me."

"Try me." There was a daring light in her eye and Ricky knew he didn't stand a chance.

"EJ." He prepared himself for the shock and maybe even anger to come.

Then, contrary to every possible response he could have expected, she burst into laughter.

"What—this isn't funny! I'm having a sexuality crisis, Nini. I kissed EJ," he whisper-shouted at her.

She seemed to calm down some, but couldn't bring herself to stop completely. Between laughs, she managed out, "I'm sorry, Ricky. I shouldn't laugh, but—but the love triangle—it's complete!"

He gave her a deadpan expression. "Seriously? I come out as gay and say I was never romantically interested in you and that I've kissed your ex, and that's what you're focused on?"

"Oh, come on. You have to admit it's kinda funny," she said.

Ricky rolled his eyes. "I hate you."

"No, you don't."

"No, I don't," he acknowledged.

"So..." she started, finally done laughing. "Anything else you wanna tell me about? Your middle school boyfriend? Your song? Your possible crush on EJ?"

He knew he should tell her. He had to get the whole truth out there, and Nini was the person to tell.

"I don't think I ever really stopped loving him."

She looked curious. "The first boy?"

Ricky nodded. "He went to East High. I saw him occasionally in passing. I hated him, and I hate that I still loved him."

"That must have been difficult."

"It was. Especially when I started seeing him every day. He had the audacity to show up and ruin my life all over again. I thought I'd never forgive him for it."

"And did you?"

He thought back to their truce a few weeks ago, to their eyes meeting during the performances, to the old feelings bubbling back to the surface.

"It's hard not to forgive someone when they sing you a Taylor Swift song about when you used to be in love. Four years and all it takes is the most beautiful rendition of 'Love Story' I've ever heard to make me fall head over heels all over again."

He saw the puzzle pieces click into place in Nini's mind. She smiled.

Ricky grimaced. "And now I have to pretend we never kissed because he was blackout drunk and I sure as hell ain't gonna be the one to tell him."

Yeah. This was sure to be an interesting summer.