You learn to play the straight man
Your lines become routine
Never really saying what you mean
If EJ knew one thing about his father, it was that Cash Caswell settled for nothing less than perfection.
The constant push to be better brought EJ to the top in most spheres of his life, but sometimes he just wished that something would finally be enough to please the man. Unfortunately, this seemed like a fruitless desire, which EJ was currently lamenting over as his father lectured him for the millionth time about 'seizing the day' and 'not wasting his opportunities.'
EJ nodded along, vaguely listening to his father's words. His mind wandered off to Carlos' party. He had to have been very drunk and very stupid to have let himself kiss Ricky. Sure, they'd been getting closer recently, but that was no excuse for him to throw himself at a straight guy. Especially since EJ himself wasn't planning on coming out any time soon.
His gaze snapped to his father when the man cleared his throat. He was looking at EJ expectantly.
His father shook his head. "This is what I'm talking about, EJ. You can't spend your life inside your head. You need to focus on the real world."
"I know, Dad."
"You're an adult now, EJ. When you come back from summer camp, I expect you to start acting like it."
"I will."
His father's expression softened. "I know you will. A Caswell never disappoints."
EJ used to see that smile on his father's face so often. Now, he hardly saw the man at all.
Sometimes it felt like every part of his life went to shit once he started high school. His parents started spending all their time at work, people started caring more about his reputation than him, and he had to play the perfect straight boy.
He lost Ricky.
EJ shook his head to snap himself out of his thoughts. It wasn't like there was anything he could do to change the past. He just had to learn to live with the hand he was dealt.
His phone dinged and he looked down to see a text from Carlos.
Have you talked to Ricky?
He let out a breathy laugh. Did Carlos really expect him to bring up what happened at the party?
His phone dinged again.
That was a stupid question.
I meant you should talk to Ricky
EJ rolled his eyes and texted back.
I don't think you get what's going on here
That was a one-time thing
Ricky doesn't need to know
Did you really just tell the gay kid he doesn't get it
You can't just pretend you're straight and expect your sexuality to magically change
Trust me
If you won't talk to Ricky at least talk to someone
EJ set his phone down, ignoring the next few notifications. He knew Carlos was probably right, but he'd buried so many of his problems at this point that dredging up one would start an avalanche, so he resolved to avoid dealing with that a little longer.
For now, he could just worry about camp. He had packed everything he needed a week ago, but it couldn't help to look over it all again before he left the next day.
He double-checked his suitcase. He triple-checked his to-do list. He unpacked and repacked every one of his bags to ensure he hadn't missed anything. He hadn't.
He sat down on his bed.
He looked at his phone.
He gave up and called Ashlyn.
"Hey, Eej. What's up?"
"I kissed Ricky." Yeah, he was just bad at the whole 'burying his emotions' thing as he was at the 'dealing with his emotions' part.
There was a moment of silence, then: "You what ?"
He repeated himself, clearer this time. "I kissed Ricky. At the party last week."
"That's great!" she cheered. When he didn't respond, she added, "That's a good thing, right?"
EJ sighed. "It didn't mean anything. He wouldn't have done it if he wasn't drunk. Besides, there's no way he remembers anything about it."
"But it meant something to you." It wasn't a question.
And it did, didn't it? He wanted that kiss to be real. More than anything.
Ashlyn continued, "What makes you so sure he doesn't feel the same?"
"Because he's straight."
There was another pause and EJ could swear he heard muffled noise come from the speaker. Maybe she was talking to someone?
"He's straight?" she said, like it was a joke.
"Obviously," he answered. Why would she even ask that?
"He kissed you in middle school, didn't he? And he kissed you again at the party?"
"Yes."
"So..."
EJ scrunched his eyebrows. "Where exactly are you going with this?"
"It's really not rocket science, EJ."
"Then just tell me." He was starting to regret calling Ashlyn. She was supposed to help him, not give him riddles to solve.
"You'll figure it out eventually. For now, though, maybe we should talk about you. I know for a fact that this isn't the only thing you're worried about right now. How's it going with your dad?"
He let out a humorless laugh. "Yeah, we're not going there. One issue at a time."
"You can't avoid your problems forever, EJ."
"What about camp? Are you excited for your first time at Shallow Lake?" EJ was sure there were definitely smoother ways to change the topic. Unfortunately for him, his brain was far too distracted to think up anything remotely subtle. He just hoped Ashlyn would be nice enough to let it slide.
He heard her sigh in exasperation, but she didn't try to push any more. "Yeah, I'm looking forward to it."
EJ grinned. "I can't believe you're all coming this year. I can't wait to show everyone around and introduce you to my camp friends. There's never been any Wildcats there besides Nini and me."
"Happy to help. Are you sure you can fit everybody in your car, though?"
"Yeah, we'll be fine," he brushed her off. "I mean, how many people are actually coming?"
"Maybe you should have figured that out before offering to drive everyone. Your car is tiny, EJ."
"Shit, you're right." He scolded himself for not thinking that through. He should have planned better. "What do I do?"
"You aren't the only one with a car, you know. I'll text everybody to see who's coming and figure out who can go with who."
What did he do to deserve such a great cousin? "Thanks, Ash. You're the best."
"Now, get some rest. I'm sure you'll need it before camp."
EJ almost laughed. He had a million plans to review again so he didn't leave anything else out. Besides, he was pretty sure his future held no rest until he made some progress in figuring out his life, which wasn't going to happen anytime soon.
At least he still had camp.
YOU ARE READING
All Too Well || Caswen
Fanfiction"It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well" EJ Caswell and Ricky Bowen are far from strangers. Though they like to pretend they are, neither can ever forget that middle school summer when they fell in love. Ricky Bowen x EJ Caswell Crossp...
