A phone call (On hold)

3

When I was done changing, I followed down the stairs and met up with Aussie. The nicknames really help. He had his car key in his hand and waited for me to wear my shoes. He got out and said bye to Kiwi.

I sat at the front of the car and Aussie started it. He drove out the parking spot and saw that I was holding something in my arms.

-What's that? He asked and kept his eyes on the road.

-My diary. But not the typical one, I write everything. What happened, what I'm feeling and whatever I was thinking about.

-I didn't see it before.

-That's because it stays hidden, only me and my therapist are allow to look into it.

-What normally do you write? I mean, the details?

-I can give you an entry to my brain, if you want.

-I thought I can't look into it.

-You aren't looking in it, you're listening to me reading it. I'm inviting you in.

When he was fine with it, I opened my diary. My heart was beating quickly since I've never done this before. I flipped a page with a yellow tag on it. That's the page when I write down the thoughts in my head.

-20th May 2022. I started and cleared my throat. I read that cats always land on their feet. I wonder what will happen if humans had that same power. I'm too lazy to research on that.

Aussie chuckled at the brutal ending. I flipped to another page but with a blue tag this time.

-2nd February 2022. They gave me new pills to try out. It is the most effective one out of all. But it only works for 3 hours. I can't take multiple a day if not I'll overdose. During the 3 hours, I was able to stay calm and happy, but my brain wasn't feeling right. After the pills I get so tired. I want them to change it.

There was a silence. I felt as if I made Aussie uncomfortable. I looked down to my diary and there was one more tag, the red one. I'll respect the therapist and keep that one a secret. I turned to Aussie and he had a calm face.

-So, how was it? I asked him and he had a questioned look. My brain, I meant.

-Well, there's nothing weird about it. If it's working out for you, then great! Are there any more special treatment?

-Special treatment?

-Yeah, I mean... When I think of going to the therapist, you just talk and talk and that's it. Do some exercise but not writing in a diary.

-If we're talking about the media version of therapy... I do have another special treatment. I keep audio logs.

-On your phone? He asked and I shook my head.

-On a recorder!

-When do you use it?

-Whenever I have a meltdown, my therapist urgently suggested that I talk to myself, then we listen to it together.

-Do you like it?

-Not the meltdown part, but not listening to myself alone is nice.

He drove and parked right in front of the building. He had to go and get groceries so he had two hours to do it. I waved at him and went ahead to the receptionist. I said the reservation and she told me to go in the room. Normally one of the care nurses at the mental hospital will be next to me, but today for the first time, I was alone. I should've asked Aussie to come with me, but I didn't want to ask more and be greedy.

The therapist came in and had a warm smile like usual. She sat in front of me and grabbed her papers.

-So Canada, you finally moved back to your brother's home. How did you feel?

-Overwhelmed. Yesterday I could barely remember their names, but today, the first part of the morning I was able to recall quite a lot.

-That's good, that means your brain isn't pushing new informations away like it used to. Did you write anything in your diary?

-Yesterday I wrote something in the blue tag.

I handed the opened book to her and she carefully took it out of my possession. Like always, she didn't read it out loud and when she was done, she closed it and gave it back.

-That was a lot... She commented and I nodded in agreement. Did you had a meltdown?

-Surprisingly, no. But just before I left, there were some old books.

-They were already in your room?

-Mhm! They were all gifts from America. When I said his name, the therapist widened her eyes. I guess we exchange the books in between us a lot since there were writings all over it.

-Maybe you should read one before you fall asleep. That might help you regain your memories.

-I thought about it but...

-But?

-But what if the memories I uncover isn't the ones I want?

-Meaning?

-I mean... I'm back home and America hasn't visit me yet. I wanted to catch up with him.

-Where do you think he is?

-I don't know, maybe he lives alone? I was getting irritated but she kept on going.

-You can barely remember anyone, why are you so sure that he has something to do with your memory lost?

-That was the last thing! I got up brutally and dropped the diary.

I glared at her and walked in circles around the room to collect my thoughts. I know why I'm trying to find him, but how do I explain it?

-I saw him! I saw him running next to me when I was being taken away on the bed! I remember him holding onto my hand and giving me my favorite stuff animal!

-... How does he look like?

There was a silence. Her eyes was calm yet firm, making me feel like I had to sit back down, so I did. I swallowed and whispered my answer.

-I don't know.

I turned my hands into fists and looked down away from the therapist. I could hear her moving a bit in the chair and sighed softly. My eyes was prickling and tears formed, falling onto my pants. I sniffled and wiped my face with my sleeve and took deep breath. She placed down a box of tissues in front of me and gestured me to use it.

-Let's talk about something else. She concluded and I obeyed.