Gonkillu Oneshots!

Poison Apple

Og Posted 12/12/2022 on ao3

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"I was so scared I would lose you, Killua."

He doesn't know... what's going on... it feels like he's still falling into a bottomless abyss, even as he scrunches his fingers up into the hospital sheet.

This wasn't... The plan...

Yet... he's staring at his best friend beside his bedside while squid-octopus talks outside with the owner...?

He isn't sure... his head...

Fuzzy...

But there's a spark of anger at Gon's words. He shouldn't relish in the fact that Gon was scared he was going to die... it's wrong... but... but... time and time... Gon says he's allowed to die, but Killua isn't... and he does reckless things... and Killua is always scared...

He's drowning in it.

"You jerk!"

He balls his hand up, hitting Gon in the chest, ignoring the pain that shoots through it, choking on a sob.

"You were scared? You selfish! Jerk! You only think of yourself!"

The hot rage in his veins is nothing compared to the tidal wave of despair and fear.

"I-I've been nothing but scared! I don't know what to do... I can't do anything to help you!"

Not even with this...

"I'm so scared... you selfish..."

His head hurts. His heart is splitting in two, and his lungs ache, trying to get even a gasp of air between heaves.

"I don't wanna lose you! I-I don't... want you to hate me... but I'm helpless! Useless!"

Pain. Every crashing sob makes his head throb more, pulsating hot pressure.

He leans down, pressing his forehead to the white sheet, gasping.

"Even Palm is more useful than me!"

So if he shatters the delicate balance, Gon will hate him.

But if he doesn't...

"I know I'm not your most important person! I'm not Kite.. I'm not your stupid-ugh! Dad!"

But...

"So what does it matter what I want...?"

When has it ever mattered?

"B-But! Please don't go!" Don't die! "For K-Kite..."

"Killua."

His blood runs cold, his breath leaving his lips in a whimper.

He doesn't want to... he doesn't wanna look! Maybe he wants to be selfish!

He can't... see Gon's eyes so cold...

"I knew something was wrong."

Huh...?

He slowly uncurls his fingers from the sheet, lifting his head carefully, his slight frame racking with tremors.

Killua sits up slowly; he can't swallow it down... the lump in his throat.

Gon's hand is balled up in a fist, and Killua flinches.

He closes his eyes, looking away, waiting for the impact.

Gon's knuckles gently tap his head, and Killua opens his eyes cautiously, tears slipping past.