What makes history (Hijikata x OC)

Spiders

A spider. A tiny, little spider caused me to have a panic attack.

"Don't laugh," I warned. His brow furrowed as if I had grown two heads.

"Certainly not laughing."

So many words were left unsaid. Such as 'certainly not with the state you were in', or 'you looked so pitiful.' I wasn't proud of myself. PTSD didn't take hold of me so often, and I usually managed to keep functioning. But yesterday ... memories had teamed with that shortness of breath from the cyanide poisoning, and vanquished me without mercy.

So I started explaining how that stupid – not so little – spider had called forth memories of an attack in Lothlórien, the enchanted wood of the elves, where those giant beasts had woken me up and tried to make a meal out of me. I though I saw Hijikata shiver, for a moment, as I explained my story. Absentely, I dragged the cover over his legs to keep him warm.

The previous evening, I had felt how wiry his body was. It was little wonder he hated the cold. Toshizō –the man – feared it when Fukuchō would never complain about the weather. My gesture caused him to address me a shocked look; in this moment, realisation dawned in his eyes. Sanan was no longer alone in seeing through the armour.

Toshizō patted the cover beside him, allowing me to cuddle. I gently laid my head upon his shoulder, exhaling to get rid of the tension that tried, so hard, to claim my body anew.

"You're just cracking under the pressure, Kitsu. You've been attacked more than my men in the the past months, I'm surprised you didn't crumble down earlier."

I welcomed the compliment with fondess. Between my necklace, Itō's attacks, the Seppukku ceremony, Kondō's ambush, the poisoning and the accusation upon Harada ... well, I was only taking the measure of the hardships that had befallen me ... us. Yet, I couldn't say that my life usually was a walk in the park. But the crisis usually didn't last this long, and I found time to recover.

"I'm just starting to realise, yes."

"Life with the Shinsengumi is never dull", was his playful retort.

"Nope. To be honest, life with the fellowship or the knights wasn't either, and I get to sleep in a bed here... The comfort is better, especially by your side."

So why did it take such a toll upon me? Sleep in a bed ... on my own. My past missions had taken us on the road more often that not. Men flanked my side in the wilds, and even though the environment was much more comfortable here, I found myself lonely most of the time. There had been such a tight bound in the fellowship.

Toshizō and I remained still for a moment, basking in the glorious light that filtered through the rice paper of the partitioning, sharing warmth in each other for a moment.

Later, I would remember those moments with fondness. As we trod through mud and landscape, fleeing, fighting for our lives, I would get back to this memory. But our quiet time was coming to an end, as the man beside me bristled and stood.

"I'm afraid I need to make an appearance for breakfast before Chizuru pops in with tea. The sun is up, and so is she. Will you join?"

I gave him a smile; we couldn't afford to be seen exiting his room together. I would probably crawl out later on.

"I... don't know. Can I borrow your desk for a moment?"

Hijikata nodded without even asking what I intended to do. He left the room, closing the partition behind him and I marvelled that he would allow me in his own lair without a warning, or a death threat. I bet he didn't really treat this room as his, for he had already allowed Chizuru and I to settle here after the Rasetsu's attack.