All That We Are (shorts)

All Walls Collide

It's always there. No matter where you look, no matter which way you turn. It's always two feet ahead of you. It feels like solid brick, something that you can't break down, despite any effort you could make. Every time you step out of the house it's there, surrounding you at all sides, every corner covered. It's why you can't speak to people, why they can't touch you. They mention it when they speak to you. 'It feels as though there's a wall between us', they always say, 'we can't see you behind it, stop shutting us out.' They can't see it, but then again, neither can you. You just know that it's there, because you've tried to get past it, tried countless times over the span of two years, you've had every form of help possible to break it down but it has all been to no avail.

It wasn't always there. If you think back, sifting through your memories, you can just about remember a time in which it did not exist. When you felt normal. When you were able to hug your friends, when you could sit and laugh without fear. It's vague, but it is there. Flitting bits and pieces in which you laughed the way you cannot do so now, time after time of family gatherings, friend meetups, bus trips and carnival rides you no longer dare to near. That's how you know you weren't born this way. You weren't made a freak, you became one. And it disgusts you. You resent it.

But there are times, yes, that it keeps you safe. Protects you from the demons that haunt you. The wall cages you in and does not let anyone else near. That's why you're grateful for it, why you shy away from breaking it down. Because as much as it hurts you, you need it.

And as much as you need it, it hurts. As though it's closing in on you, trapping you, holding you prisoner to its ministrations, its suffocating movement. There is no space to breathe, no area to look, nowhere to be free. It surrounds you at all corners, rubbing against you, reminding you 'You need me. You are nothing if not for me. I keep you sane.' And it is right. It does. It keeps you from hurting, and shelters you from harm. Keeps you selfishly to itself, and maybe that's how you've always wanted it but now it is overbearing. Overwhelming, all-consuming, it is the stuff of heartbreak and misery, of tears and desperation.

The wall draws closer as the days go by. As you grow older you watch them inch towards you, bit by bit. It is fascinating, yet it puts you on edge, wrecks your nerves. You wonder, and fear, what will happen, when they finally collide.

hi. its been a while. anyways, take this, and tell me how you feel. I have no idea what it is

aria.