Recovery

Recovery - Ch 26

Recovery -Ch 26

Gail came over as soon as Rick called; he met her at the door, then excused himself and went downstairs to give the two women privacy.

"What did you feel after these episodes? And what do you feel about them now?" Gail asked after Lesley had described what has been happening since the trial.

"Shame......guilt," Lesley answered immediately then shrugged and shook her head.

"Can you tell me why you feel that way? Because I can tell you that everything you described to me is perfectly natural given the trauma you went through with Travis, then the trial which brought up and made you explain, defend even, what you've experienced in your life for the past twenty years."

"I.... I.... don't want.... that life," Lesley whispered and shook her head again.

Gail reached out and took her hand, "tell me what you mean by that."

"I...I..don't want that life," Lesley said again, "I...don't want the life I had with Joel, I certainly don't want the life I had with Cameron, and Brian......I...I...want my son back...so badly I can feel him in my arms, but....I don't want a life with Brian either. I mean.... I wish they were still alive.... I swear I would never wish harm on them!" Lesley said emphatically and squeezed Gail's hand, "but.... but.... if they hadn't died.... would I.... would I.... have the life I do now? With Rick?"

"Lesley," Gail put her free hand on top of their joined hands and leaned forward a little to look into her friend's eyes, "you have no control over their decisions. Joel, Brian, and Cameron made their own decisions about their lives, and you have no reason to feel any responsibility for them."

"Why.... why....am I even thinking about them?" Lesley blurted out. "I feel.... feel like I'm betraying Rick every time I have one of these..." Lesley tore her hands out from under Gail's and gestured with them, "flashbacks."

"Why do you say that?" Gail asked.

Lesley looked at her incredulously, "didn't you hear what I said when I described them? Gail, I ...I.... can feel them touching me......I...I.... could feel the whipped cream hitting my face when Joel sprayed me with it. I could feel the cushions give when we laid on the couch, I could feel his weight on me. I could smell the roses Brian gave me.... I...I.... remember what it was like to make love with him. Cameron.... I felt every single second of it when he raped me. I could feel....it felt like I was being stabbed ...." Lesley finished in a rush and took a deep breath, trying to calm down.

"Okay...okay.... but were you sexually aroused in any way by your memories of Joel and Brian?"

Lesley stood up and wrung her hands together in agitation, "No! Of course not! It ...it.....was like I was one step removed......I could see us making love but ....what I felt in the present was more the ...the.....w..warmth.....the..the......security of ...of...being that close to another person....the...the....w..warmth of...of....knowing that they wanted me as...as....much as I wanted them. Except for Cameron......I felt...literally.... every moment of that night.... Every one."

Gail looked up at Lesley from her chair and watched her as she started to pace, "Lesley...what you're experiencing is normal....it..."

"Normal? How can you say that?!" Lesley stopped and flung her hands out, "how can it be normal to think about the men I've been with in my past, to ...to...think and remember what it was like to make love with them to ...to...feel..."

"The warmth and the closeness of being in love with another person," Gail finished for her. "Lesley, not all your memories of Joel and Brian, even Cameron are bad ones. And you said that the warm feelings disappeared as soon as you came back to the present, while the unpleasant feelings of the relationship stayed with you along with the guilt that you felt in having the flashback to begin with."