Recovery

Recovery - Ch 27

Recovery - Ch 27

Rick's eyes widened and he looked at her in stunned silence. 'Did I hear her right?' he asked himself and then said out loud, "what did you say?"

Lesley swallowed hard and looked straight at him with eyes pleading with him to understand, "I ...I.... feel like a...a... wh... whore," she repeated as her voice cracked again.

Rick stood up slowly and took a couple of steps past her as he fought for calm. He wasn't angry at her, not by any means, but just the thought that she would actually feel.... cheap.... or that she might think that he thought.......

"Say something," Lesley whispered.

Rick held up a hand to her, "give me a second."

He took a deep breath and turned back to her, for the first time in a long time, afraid to touch her, "do I make you feel like that?" he asked.

"No!" Lesley's eyes shot open in shock, and she shook her head, "no...." she said again and reached to touch him but Rick backed up a step so she couldn't. Lesley stopped where she was as all the color drained out of her face, Rick had never pulled back from her.... ever...and Lesley let her hand drop to her side as she waited to see what he was going to say next.

"You.... you.... felt like a ...." he paused, not able to say the word... "like.... that just now when you were with me?"

Lesley shook her head rapidly again, "No...no!"

"Please...." Lesley said as she took a small step towards him and opened her arms. "Please," she said again as she stepped closer still and slowly wrapped her arms around him.

"No!" she repeated then pulled his head down for a long kiss, "no," Lesley said again when they'd parted, and she looked up into his face.

Rick held her to him as he sighed in relief and felt his heart rate returning to normal, "explain," he said gently when he eased away to look at her.

Lesley nodded and they settled back on the bed, "I'm sorry that you thought...." she started but Rick interrupted with a shake of his head.

"Don't be sorry, just tell me what's going on."

"I.... I....," she started and stopped to look down at the comforter before looking back up at him with eyes brimming with tears, "I.... I...f...feel like I'm betraying you. Every time I'm pulled into one of these 'episodes' and I'm remembering how it was when I was with Brian or Joel .... I.... I...feel like I'm betraying you. Like...like.... I'm cheating on you...having an affair," she paused to lean towards him, "I'd never ever ever do that...never," she shook her head emphatically.

"Lesley...sweetheart, I know that," Rick said but Lesley shook her head hard again and would have pulled away, but Rick had a hold of her hands.

"The guilt.... the guilt it's crushing me," Lesley whispered as both eyes overflowed.

"You have nothing to feel guilty about, you can't help what you're feeling and experiencing," Rick said and then tugged her into his arms, "C'mere," he said and wrapped his arms tightly around her.

"It would be so easy," Lesley whispered in his ear, "too easy to lose myself in you...in us when we make love. I can't think about anything besides you when we're together," she paused and leaned back a little to look at him, "I can't use you like that," she said and shook her head, "I can't and won't use us like that," she said firmly.

"Okay," Rick said and used the pad of his thumb to wipe her tears away, "I understand. I get it because I can't think about anything besides you when we're together either," he said and kissed the tip of her nose.