The Wizard's Guide to Timelords and Other Demons Book 1: The Forgotten War

Lee Jordan

It was a particularly cold this afternoon, but Lee Jordan didn't care about that in the least as he made his way down the icy slopes of the hill to the Herbology greenhouse. He had been bored out of his mind since his good friends Fred and George Weasley had left suddenly just before Christmas under secretive circumstances. He had done the best he could to carry on their tradition of playing pranks and practical jokes on whatever worthy victim he could find.

To Lee, the term worthy generally referred to students who lacked the magical skills and experience to mount an effective reprisal against him should his part in their humiliation be discovered. Such had been the case two days ago when he unleashed the Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes' newest invention, Pastel Poppers, upon an unsuspecting second-year named Jean...something or other. He couldn't remember her last name, but that experience had been the highlight of his week. Following that little bit of fun, he had, once again, returned to being miserably bored.

But then, not more than thirty minutes ago, Lee had received a mysterious message delivered by an owl he didn't recognize. The message had instructed him to be at the greenhouse within the hour and to bring his remaining case of Pastel Poppers with him. It had also told him to be prepared for a special mission and to tell no one. The letter had been signed, Fred and George Weasley.

They're back! Lee had cheered to himself, and then wasted no time retrieving the merchandise from its hiding place in his Gryffindor dorm and hefting the heavy case down to the herbology classroom. He had considered using a levitation charm but decided against it. The overuse of magic during the performance of mischief made the perpetrator more likely to get caught. Lee didn't know why, but it always seemed to work out that way. Better to just carry it down myself, just to be safe, he thought.

By the time Lee had reached the doors to the greenhouse, he was completely out of breath. His arms and legs ached but his spirits were still high. Still carrying the bulky, leather case in his arms, Lee managed to pull the door open just enough to back his body through it. With a loud grunt, Lee gently lowered the case to the ground and reached over to close the door. Then he turned about to face the classroom. His surprise of what he saw caused him to step backwards and trip on the case behind him. Lee landed hard on his rear end, causing his tailbone much discomfort.

"Ouch, Lee, that must've hurt." said Kendra Nott, who stood in the center of the classroom pointing her wand at the fallen seventh year."

Standing at Kendra's side were her two friends Jean and Bathilda, both of whom had their wands trained on Lee as well.

"What's up girls?" he asked innocently. "I'm just here to meet up with some friends..."

"Fred and George Weasley?", Kendra interrupted. "They're not coming."

"Yeah, well I got this..."

"Message?" she interrupted again. "I'm afraid Fred and George weren't the ones who sent you that message, Lee. You see, Jean here is very good with a forgery charm she picked up... somewhere."

"A forgery charm?" Lee said, now terribly disappointed that his afternoon of mischief was not going to go as he had hoped.

"Yes," Kendra replied, "And you are here because we want you here."

Wand still drawn, Kendra stepped forward, kneeled in front of Lee, and glared into his eyes.

"Jean would really like to express her appreciation for the little prank you pulled on her a couple of days ago."

Lee glanced up at Jean, who was still pointing her wand at his head. She did not look at all happy. Nor did she appear to be very appreciative.

Jean had spent the last few days trying to wash Pastel Popper powder out of her hair and clothes, but to no avail. Her hair still shined bright orange and green in the sunlight that poured through the greenhouse windows. Her clothes were also a light shade of purple, which was particularly vexing to her because they were not the clothes she had been wearing on the day of the prank.

"Uh...ok, about that..." Lee stammered. "Yes, the powder is charmed, and yes, it should all wear off in another day or so...I hope."

"I see," Kendra said. A wicked grin formed across her face. "Well girls, what shall it be then? Boils? Pimples? A very runny nose?"

"No, please!" Lee pled as he pushed himself backwards with his feet against the floor until his back ran into the door. "Look, I was only having a bit of fun, that's all!"

"I know!" said Kendra triumphantly as she stood up and stepped back to join her friends. "How about a nice slug-vomiting charm? A little Slugulus Eructo to make your day really special perhaps? What do you think, Lee?"

Kendra raised her arm as though she were about to cast a spell.

"No, don't! Please!" Lee whimpered as he shut his eyes tightly and rolled up into a fetal position, covering his face with his arms.

What a worthless weasel, Kendra thought.

Suddenly, the greenhouse door swung open, and Lee fell backwards onto the cold ground just outside. He looked up to see the smiling face of Professor Sprout looking straight down at him.

"Ah, Mr. Jordan!" the plump herbology teacher exclaimed in delight. "I'm so happy you have come down to join us."

Lee quickly leapt to his feet, keenly aware of his throbbing tail bone. Professor Sprout stepped past him and into the classroom, where she noticed the large case sitting on the floor.

"And I see you've brought them with you...your Pimple Poppers, is that what you call them?"

"Pastel Poppers, Ma'am." Lee corrected.

"But of course," Sprout replied cheerily. "Kendra has told me all about them, including your offer to assist us by donating some of your...Pasty Poppers for a little experiment we're conducting."

"She did?"

"But of course, she did," said Sprout, "don't' be so modest young man. It is a noble gesture to be sure."

Lee Jordan was speechless. Jean and Bathilda stifled small giggles. Kendra just scowled and glared at him with a you're not out of this yet mister! look.

"Now, Miss Nott," Professor Sprout continued, "how many did you say we would have need of?"

"All of them," Kendra replied frostily without dropping her glare or breaking her scowl.

Lee was mortified. When Fred and George discovered that he had used up their complete inventory in one day...

With a wave of Professor Sprout's wand, Lee Jordan's last case of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes' Pastel Poppers was levitated onto a nearby table, where it popped open instantly. The tattered old witch examined its contents and smiled.

"Very well then, let's get to it, shall we?"