Somnia | $crim

18. Dream Interpretation

September 15th, 2015

I rarely used the key you gave me to surprise you. You typically came over to mine, so your home was still almost a foreign place to me. It became more alien when I wandered into your room, just wanting to burrow into your bed and absorb the scent you left on the sheets.

Your bed was just as you had left, with the blanket and flat sheet haphazardly thrown to one side. A half-smoked cigarette sat in an ashtray on your nightstand. Next to it, an open orange bottle with a white lid. I picked it up and looked at the label for a prescription of Oxycodone without your name on the label. Another bottle, this time for Xanax, was found nearby.

My world came crashing down around me, with you behind the imbalance in the equilibrium.

You promised...

"Adrienne?" I heard your name call from the kitchen. "Are you here? I saw your car in the driveway."

Your footsteps grew closer to the bedroom, amplified by the tile you had throughout the house. You stopped in your bedroom and just looked at me.

"Did you get the results?" you asked eagerly without absorbing what was going on around you. I told you they were negative. You started to get excited until you saw the pill bottles I had in my hand. "Adrienne?"

"What the fuck, Scott?" I told you, desperately hoping you could conjure up an explanation. You stuttered but couldn't get out anything worthwhile. "How long?"

"What?"

"How long have you been using again?" You opened your mouth, but still couldn't tell me anything. "Scott, please..."

"Yesterday," you mumbled, but I didn't believe you so I asked again. "Since July, when you were in the hospital. I stopped before we went to Michigan but started again over the weekend."

"I want you to get your stuff out of my house," I said, getting up from your bed to leave.

You didn't stop me from leaving, but you followed me. You begged and begged for me to stay.

"What do you want me to do?" I asked. "I let you into my life, around the kids, and now you're going behind my back and lying to me. I can't be with you and I don't want to be anymore."

"You have every right and despise me right now," you replied as I tried to get into my car, the tears welling in your eyes but you didn't let them fall. You stood in front of the open door so I couldn't close it. "But please, can we talk about this?"

"We just did," I spat as I started the car.

"No, we're not. I don't want to lose you."

"You should've thought about that. You know, if you were honest even back in July, I don't know. Maybe things would be different but you chose to lie and keep using."

"I can't change who I am," you said. "I can't just wake up with a new personality and no drug problem. But I know you see all the things you don't like about your mom in me. I can stop, for you. Please, Adrienne. Give me another a chance to show you what you mean to me. I can do better. I already thought I lost you once, please don't...""

"What do I mean to you?"

"Everything.

"No, I don't. I will never be good enough to stop feeling the high and start getting sober. You've already showed me where your priorities are. Now, get out of the way."

You stepped aside, allowing me to shut the door. I put the car in reverse and pulled out of the driveway while you called my name. I could tell by the look on your face that this destroyed you, but, in the moment, I stuck with my boundaries no matter how much I wanted to turn around and forgive you. I'm not going to give you a thousand chances to break my heart like my parents already did.

I called Carmen on the way home to tell her what happened. She met me at my house with some ice cream and my favorite Taco Bell meal, including the Baja Blast freeze.

"Fuck him, you don't need a loser like that," Carmen said while she rubbed my back as I sobbed into my pillow. I wish she was right about needing you.

⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺ ‧ ⨯. ⁺ ✦ ⊹ . * ꙳ ✦ ⊹

A/N: ya'll I just got back from a trip to northern Michigan (I'm from Ohio). We were staying by Silver Lake in the west but we decided to drive up to Torch Lake in the north end of the lower peninsula and OH MY GOD 1) if you ever have a chance to go to Torch Lake, GO it is 100% worth it the lake is so beautiful!!!! 2) I might be insane but it was a long drive home by myself and I could not stop thinking about them driving through Michigan and how cute they are omg