Imperfect Love

20 (closure)

                       PREESHA

After a long and hectic day, I finally got some free time during lunch break to contemplate all the things that have happened to me. I couldn't avoid everything and live in my bubble. I thought I loved Dev but then Rudra came in my life and BANG, my sorted life just got so difficult. Whenever I think about Dev, I feel like a horrible person. I technically cheated on him, and went on to spend a night with Rudraksh. I know what I did has no justification, but I get tired sometimes of being the good person. I was naive when I met Dev, thinking you could actually spend your whole life with one person. I got so obsessed with having someone, that being without Dev made me feel alone. And I got the same feeling when I met Rudra. I don't even know how fucked up this sounds, and I sure as hell know that my actions are not justified and never will be. But I'll do the best thing I can, give Dev the closure he deserves. I take out my phone and dial Dev's number. I wonder if I should call or just text, and if he will even pick up my call? Well, he does.

DEV: Hello? Preesha?

The familiarity in that voice, the voice that used to be my favourite, the voice I longed to hear...and what I did to him...the feeling of self hatred comes back, but I continue the conversation without overthinking further.

PREESHA: Hey, Dev!

DEV: Are you ok?

PREESHA: Yep, thanks for asking. Dev...umm...I was just wondering...

DEV: Hey Preesha! Calm down and tell me what it is.

Tears fill in my eyes hearing the concern in his voice. The flashbacks from that night when I told him I hated him..all the memories of me and rudraksh come back and I feel so bad. I can't control, so I let go of a sob.

DEV: Preesha? Are you crying?

PREESHA: Dev.. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for whatever happened between us. Dev, I feel like the worst person. I'm sorry for doing that to you. You deserved so much more than this. Can we...can we meet today? I totally get it if you don't want to, but I want a closure. In fact, you deserve a closure, you deserve to get rid of me. Hello?

DEV: Preesha, please stop speaking about yourself like that. I always believed we had a thing...but all relationships aren't supposed to last a lifetime. And we both are young, we both have to explore life. If not together, then maybe with someone else. Cafe Redwood at six, that'll be okay with you?

PREESHA: Sure, I'll be there. Thank you

DEV: It's ok, Preesha. Hope you have a good day!

As he cuts the call, I can't control myself any longer. I let the tears out of my eyes and break down. But this time I'm smiling through the tears. I'm glad Dev understood, and even if he didn't, he offered me a chance to explain. I'm surprised he even wants to see me after all that.

I did not think that a closure would be easy, but did not think it would be this hard either. I thought the phone call was all, but sitting in front of him is awkward with an A. It's been more than minutes, all he's done is stare at the coffee. We didn't even exchange any words than a hello. I had a whole speech rehearsed on how I was a shit person, how he deserved better and all sorts of things, but now I can't form words, it's like I forgot all the alphabets.

I take my time to look at my surroundings. This cafe is not very expensive, but it has a very cosy feeling to it. The pendant lights perfectly complement the wooden furniture. The barista was so sweet, he drew cute hearts around all the coffee cups. There were cute frames, one saying "coffee hotter than your ex" caught my attention. Given my situation, I want to laugh loudly, at myself. The universe has a cruel sense of humour.

I finally decide to break the silence.

"Dev, now that we're here, let's get this over with. Thank you for giving me a chance to speak to you, if it were anyone else, they would even refuse to accept my call, let alone an apology. I'm not here to defend myself, because I know nothing that I say could possibly justify what I did. I'm really sorry it happened. A person like you, so great, so loving did not deserve it. I realised that all this time I thought I loved you, in reality it was the idea of love that I fell in love with. Sounds fucked up, right? I don't know how to explain myself, but I just let out my thoughts without a second thought. I don't know if I love Rudra, or it's just infatuation or whatever. But, I want to tell you that I did love being with you, I'm grateful for the moments, the memories. I'm just clearing things up, but break-ups are hard. I know that. I just want you to move on, and I hope you get someone who will love you and not the idea of love. And, I hope I get what I deserve. Sounds about right to me..". I'm not saying I'm proud of my deeds, but I loved my speech. I don't know where this confidence came from but I needed it more than some caffeine right now. I reach for my coffee and try to decipher Dev's emotions, but he gives off absolutely nothing.

Ugh...dealing with closed-off Dev is not very easy.

"Thank you for letting me know how you feel Preesha." He speaks.

He speaks!

"That's all?"

"Mmm-hmmm"

"No, no no! You are supposed to say something. Anything. Like how much I hurt you, or how much you hate me. You can't go without a word."

"You called me here for an apology, I came. You apologised. Done. What else do you want me to speak?"

I saw that in his eyes, the same as that night. Hate? I atleast deserve to know the level of damage I've done. He can't just get up and leave.

"No no, Dev, no! Tell me how you feel? You want me to live with guilt forever?"

"I'd like that.."

"What?"

"I said I'd like that." The calmness of his voice sent chills down my spine. It was not because we were in a public place, it was the more than obvious hatred for me.

"I'd like that you'll live with a guilt of breaking my heart and crushing my feelings all your life. Even when you are with Rudra, even when he leaves you. You left me with nothing Preesha, and you'll just go on and be with that rockstar. Atleast the reminder that the guilt of cheating on me haunts your dreams will remind you of me. And... I'd...like...that. I felt like something was off since a long time, like we were loosing our spark. Whn I got back, the first thing I wanted to do was to see you, be with you. But, the  I discovered you were cheating on me. That feeling sucks, Preesha. Your apology means nothing to me right now, so please stop. I hope you're done because I won't stay here any longer."

My tears threaten to appear again, and I am shocked how I controlled this long. If my own self-loathing wasn't enough, now I surely feel like the worst person on the earth. No words come out of my mouth. I watch his retreating figure as my vision blurred.

double update because i have nothing to do. vote and comment. bye 🫶😭